hard things?

Bald Mountain is in the Uinta Mountains.  I hiked it yesterday with my family.  There were just 5 of us and it sounded like fun.  It started as a good climb with lots of rocks.

 It continued as such but the edge got closer and steeper. I have inherited a fear of heights.  My imagination takes over and I see worst possible scenarios.  I don't like being near edges or watching others near edges.

 This hike was challenging physically but it was very hard emotionally.  So much we are hearing about doing hard things and I know it is good to accept challenges and do hard things but I wonder about the need for some of the orchestrated hard things.  Is it really necessary to go all the way to the top of a mountain, or keep going in pain, is the goal to say you did it a good enough reason?

 Maybe I'm weak.  Maybe I'm a quitter.  I don't like to do hard things.  I don't like to do more than is necessary.  I believe in keeping things simple.  I reasoned so many things in my mind as we hiked and it got harder.  Finally at one particularly steep drop I sat down.  I said no more.  I was done.  Sim said he would stay with me.  He is supportive and loving.  He is also afraid of heights and he gladly inched back down with me.  As I sat wondering if it was okay to go half way I had time to notice the beautiful flowers growing out of the rocks.  This view was beautiful.  This view was important too.  This view was worthy of appreciation.  This view was much more comfortable to gaze at than the steep drop in front of me.

 Surely there is value in sitting here and  pondering the tenacity of these little plants, the wonder of their short life among the rocks on this desert mountain top.  So many miss this view as they hurry to the top.  Sim and I walked back down to the flat to look for the others.  We couldn't see them.  I worried that I was teaching a quitting attitude so we started again.  As we got to the same spot we struggled again.  What was ahead? Was it worth it?  As we asked returning hikers, they encouraged these fearful strangers and we determined to go on.  It did get easier.  We got away from the edge and felt better.  We had accomplished overcoming our fear.  Did we really need to go all the way?  Sim said Yes.

We continued on, higher and higher until we reached the top.  There was something pretty great about having gotten there but we still clung to our fears, didn't want to wander around and take in the view.  It was pretty but we still had to figure out how to get down.  Sometimes down is harder.  I wanted to get it over with.

I missed enjoying the goal.

We made it safely down.  We enjoyed the camaraderie of other hikers.  We finished with sore muscles and very thirsty.  We had done it.  We completed the hike, faced our fears, did the hard thing.  Now what?  I feel like I'm missing the purpose.

Maybe it was the little lessons along the way.  Maybe the idea that you often need to focus on the little steps along the way with an occasional glimpse of the goal ahead and looking back to appreciate the progress that has been made.  Maybe finding the beauty and surprises that nature shares.  Maybe it was simply the success of mind over body.  If its faith not fear then what is it I am learning faith in?  Is it myself?  Is it my ability to push further than I want to?  Does Heavenly Father really care if I go to the very top or am content with part way?  Shouldn't hard things have a purpose or are they simply a practice for when the hard things we are asked to face really matter?

Maybe it is the internal battle that only I will ever truly know that somehow creates inner strength.  There were monuments of rock along the way.  I don't know who built them.  There is nothing left on that mountain top that will tell anyone else what it cost for me to be there. Or that I was ever there.  Maybe it is something that is teaching me line upon line (stone upon stone) that creates a stronger me (from the inside out).

I am reminded of a book Charlie's Monument.  Maybe reading that book again will help me understand how or why these little challenges matter.  How I and the choices I make truly do matter and make a difference, even when no one else is looking or knows the cost.

I experienced a beautiful weekend with my family and we had a lot of fun together.

I have come home to unexpected changes.  Opportunities are lost and new direction is necessary.  I'm wondering if I am guilty of quitting early in many parts of my life.  I believe I like to play it safe, avoid pain, embarrassment and the unknown.  I have missed again relationships, friendships and situations that maybe should have been better. I wish I knew if my efforts were good enough.  If I truly did some good. I feel the need to repent, to turn away from the safe and accept the unknown but I still desire the assurance that as I turn towards the new I am not alone.  I want my Savior by my side and the faith that I am facing the right direction as I put my foot on the path before me.  It feels like a step into the dark.  I need the light of the world as I figure out this life journey.

I KNOW WHO I AM.  I KNOW GOD'S PLAN.  I FOLLOW HIM IN FAITH!


grateful:
499 family reunions
500 high school reunions
501 that I'm not in high school
502 the world is full of good people doing their best and learning along the way.
503 that my weight does not influence my value as a person
504 I am healthy, active, and learning to be more cheerful

505 family game time on Sunday afternoon

506 afternoon naps with a good book
507 mountains that we climb, just because they are there
508 changes that make me evaluate my commitment to the Lord and my trust in his plan for me
509 Peter is home again! and has learned so much
510 father's blessings to begin another school year
511 Dane made it home too and is becoming so independent.
512 my parents share their blessings
512 my parents influenced for good so many more people than they ever realize.
513 good examples
514 President Benson's talk here on my night was just what I needed.

The great test of life is obedience to God. The great task of life is to learn the will of the Lord and then do it. The great commandment of life is to love the Lord.