Thanksgiving weekend

We start our weekend making pies.  This year we made cherry, pumpkin, carmel, pecan, lemon cheesecake, and banana cream.  

Debbie's carmel cream pie

Erica's first pie (cherry)  We knew she would love the creative, artistic part.

 We enjoyed our pie morning at Jay and Lauri's house.  Still lots of fun after all these years.

 Debbie, Simeon, and I had fun decorating the dinner table.  With only 5 of us we had time a room to do things a little bit extra nice.  We even got to enjoy a roast turkey this year. We will be back to BBQ turkey next year and a whole house full of love and people.

 We got to spend some time at Grandma and Grandpa's home.  It was a treat to find the boys with Grandpa showing them cars on his phone while sitting on the counter.  We enjoyed dinner together, played Jokers and Pegs, taught them about When Calls the Heart on Netflix.

 Then we headed downtown to see Savior of the World.  Once again I just love the experience I have every time we go.  Dane and Erica met us there and enjoyed it too.

 Temple square lights!  It was super crowded. We didn't realize it was the night the turn on the lights for the first time of the season.  It was beautiful

Saturday we headed up the mountain for Christmas trees.  It was warm and dry and so easy to wander around the mountain side.

 Emily, Ella and Brian joined us and found a perfect tree.

 my might men hunting and dragging out the Christmas tree.

 and Isaac with Simeon's help caught this fish with their bare hands.  Quite the accomplishment.

 Now the real fun begins as it all comes together in a festive frenzy of decorating and watching Christmas movies like the Santa Clause 2 and Elf.

Inside

So I have been learning more about beauty and want to remember.  On Friday night we got to see The Masque of Beauty and the Beast.  I am wishing I could find the script to get the exact words.  It was a play at a children's theater. When Beauty was getting to know the beast she explains how she is no longer afraid of him. That she doesn't mind the way he looks because she has seen him on the inside.  She has come to know him in a deeper level and the beauty from the inside overshadows the outer looks.

We also listened to the Wide Awake Princess.  It was a fun story mixed with lots of fairy tale characters.  The main character is Sleeping Beauty's sister.  To protect her from a curse the fairies blessed her that no magic would affect her.  She is not blessed with beauty, poise, grace, talent... anything. She is just normal and average.  But being normal and average actually opens up new doors and makes it possible for her to do things others could never do.  It was a fun way to learn to be happy with what you have in your own physical abilities.

I remember advice once given that talked about taking care of yourself, looking your best each morning and then move forward with your day, forgetting yourself at that point and serving others.  Its an important element of living.  Our world is way to concerned about the outside.  How we look, present ourselves to others, impress. . . My goal is to take good care of myself, the best I know how, but then trust that I've done my part and move on to listening to that inner voice.  I want to be more sensitive to what the spirit would have me do and be.

My sister just had her colon taken out last week.  She is in incredible pain.  She has been fighting this difficult situation for years but this last year has been an epic battle just to survive.  She is amazing.  She is hoping for relief but it still may take a few months before she starts to feel somewhat normal.  She showed me her stoma bag and the inside of her small intestine.  It was not pretty but what it is doing and enabling is beautiful.  It was created for a purpose and it is blessing her life.  It is not about how things LOOK. Its about doing what we are created to do.  Fulfilling the measure of our creation and finding the joy in it.

This little body part has taught her so much.  This system of digestion has come to the lime light and received many thanks for years of functioning properly.  But the influence of this inner part has also taught her patience. she has learned that it is okay to be home, take it easy, let others serve you. There are a lot of things we learn as we care for the outside looks but it seems so much more when we focus on the inside physically but also emotionally.  We can build character traits, ask for spiritual gifts. Find purpose in living.  Be more than a decoration. The bonus is as we work on the inside then the outside takes care of itself and a new and real beauty can shine through.

When we forget ourselves and let the Lord take over we can become so much more than we ever dreamed.  I am letting go of this need to control my size (it never worked anyway) and I will trust God to teach me, guide me and walk beside me as his daughter.  Be it unto me according to His word.

Am I fat?

You may have noticed I have been a bit obsessed with weight lately.  I have gained 35 or so pounds in the last year and it has sent me for a loop.  I have never gained weight this easily or tried to hard to lose weight. I have tried programs, plans, foods...  I have exercised daily and tried lots of different forms and measured their worth by making sure I sweat and I had sour muscles.  The results have been a continual weight increase.  I noticed the way body parts rubbed more or couldn't come together like they use to. I couldn't even put boots on the same way because there was this belly in the way.  I felt discouraged, betrayed, confused.  I asked God for help to fix my body. I asked for understanding to know if there was some purpose in what was happening.  I tried to notice everything I could about what was different and also to see others in a more positive light realizing that it was not their size that I admired or loved about them but who they are in the inside.  I hoped I was learning the lessons quickly so I could heal and go back to the size I was year ago.

Halloween costumes.  I was dressed as my husband and did not feel feminine or the size I thought I should be.

Well I am getting answers.  Not the ones I thought I would.  Am I fat? a bit, but so what?  Maybe I am bigger than I have ever been.  Maybe things don't fit the way they used to. Maybe that pile of clothes in my closet that doesn't fit just keeps getting taller.  So what?  I have been able to get new clothes that do fit.  I am still functioning and living a full life.  I am still taking care of my family, serving in my calling, making and keeping friends, having fun, celebrating life.

I am learning a new way of thinking.  I am finding out that my thoughts determine my actions and my results. I am learning that those results don't always look the same as I thought they would, but so what?

I am participating in a bootcamp with Stephanie Webb of Eat Happy Nutrition and I am learning about trusting my body, listening to my intuition, forgiving myself and trusting that it will all work out.  It is so freeing to me to give myself permission to learn through trial and error.  To eat what I want when I want and then make a decision on if I like how I feel afterwards.  My body can teach me what it needs and likes to feel good and serve me!

I am learning to appreciate where I have been, how well my body has served me for 52 years and the amazing things that it has allowed me to do.  It is miraculous.  Sister Marjorie Hinckley is quoted as saying.  The 50s are my favorite years. I am past the comparing and can just enjoy life.  I want to be 50 in the eternities!  I realize that our modern world keeps trying to avoiding aging like it is somehow wrong and something we have to battle daily.  I don't want to battle with myself.  I don't want to work on my abs... I want to work with them.  Each and every part of me is a part of ME that makes me who I am.  I am so grateful to be me.  May God forgive me for the bad things I have said to and about myself.  May he please know that I am so grateful for this body, this life, and the many experiences he allows me to have with lessons all along the way.

So now I am letting go of guilt, expectations, judgments and just seeking to enjoy the journey of life and to love myself and others right where we are.  The rest can take care of itself. Worrying won't help.  Love is where their is real power and joy.

Here I share some of the resources that are helping me with my new view :)
 - Healing = Courage + Action + Grace
 - Line Upon Line, Uncovering our True Selves
 - Body Positivity or Body Obsession