Look up. Wednesday.

In a recent conference talk we were told it is better to look up.  That has become really hard for me. When I look up, I get dizzy.  I almost feel nauseous. I tend to glance up and then just reach without looking and hope for the best.  It is not ideal but as I thought about this I realize that I still need to find my way of looking up.

The best way for me to safely look up is to first lie down.  If I lie on my back I can look up and enjoy it.

We each need to find a way to look up.  For me looking up includes simplifying.  Getting rid of other distractions. Giving my whole self to the effort of looking up and connecting with my creator is the best way for me at this time.  I must admit that looking for inspiration doesn't just happen when I am looking up but the idea that I might need to clear my space of the noise and distractions so that I might better be in tune with the spirit makes sense to me.

The view from my bedroom window.  I love Fall.

 I sure love when the little things or people around me remind me of our need to create beauty.  Sweet Debbie (10yo) started decorating for Fall.  She has done a beautiful job creating beauty and celebrating the new season.  I do love the colored leaves, the harvest, and the many signs of God's love in hope for plenty to see us through the winter and on to a beautiful spring.  Life is good.

Update on me - I am learning patience.  I get so tired of days that seem to be just endured. Time passing and not being able to do the things I want to do.  I do try and do at least something every day but it wears me out.  I went to the chiropractor yesterday and he reminded me that I am doing well and that he is just glad that I am still alive.  He helped me put things in perspective.  I don't want to take for granted this gift of life and of seeing my family grow and of being here to receive the love and goodness of so many people.  I had several fun visitors who also helped me see that there are small steps of progression. I especially enjoy visits with Laurie.  We talk about things of substance and strengthen on another with our path of growth.  I am getting stronger and better.  I might try reading more. I am hoping my eyes are learning to focus though when in the car I often see double in the oncoming traffic.  We will celebrate as my eye site improves.

Grateful:

• kind friends
• kind words
• others helping me see the good and the progress
• clean counters
• texts and phone calls
• shared insights

Sunday

I enjoyed a lazy morning listening to the Sounds of Sunday, speakers, an old talk by President Monson and a good soak in my tub.  The high light of my morning was rediscovering Stephanie Nielsen.  She has learned to see past the challenges and celebrate the joys of family life and of creation.  I love her attitude in celebrating the simple things each day.  I have a family. They are beautiful, fun, kind, and I get to be home with them and watch them learn and grow.  I am so grateful that my Milt has supported me in staying home all these years.  He values the work I do and the effort I make to raise up righteous children and to give them a happy childhood.

I made it again to sacrament meeting and was so grateful to renew my covenants and think about my Savior and his atonement.  I was super weepy and cried at each song.  Music speaks to me and opens my eyes to new ways of understand and brings me comfort.  I am so grateful for the hymns of Zion.

Grateful:

• good music
• kind people that came up to me and talked to me in church
• VT companion who is taking care of our sisters
• cub master who is taking care of my Webelos troop.

Saturday

I am doing well.  I spent a lot of time alone today and so I am the one that had to do things.  I made my own tomato pie and it turned out great.  I went up and down the stairs to get things and even used a cane and headed across the back yard to pick fresh basil.

This sign hangs in the bedroom I'm staying in. My daughter made it for me and it has been very inspiring to me to learn first hand the truth of this statement.  The people around me affect me in so many ways - my moods, my healing, my worth, my hope.  I know I am giving them a lot of power but we really do have a lot of power in the way we treat others - our words and our actions.  We can pretend that things don't affect us but they do.  When we surround ourselves with good people and then also don't judge, celebrate their successes and welcome them into your life.  It helps those people around you to become a blessing and positive influence.

I have been listening to September Ensign on lds.org and loved this article Can We Live "after the Manner of Happiness?"  As you know I suffered a epidural hematoma.  When I read this paragraph I could relate in a new way.

When I was young, President Spencer W. Kimball (1895–1985) was the prophet. During his ministry as an Apostle and then as Church President, he had many health challenges. He suffered from heart problems. He had cancer of the larynx and had to learn to speak again. He suffered three subdural hematomas (a collection of fluid outside the brain). After all of his trials and difficulties, and just days after an operation to treat his first subdural hematoma, do you know what he taught at general conference? He said, “‘Give me this mountain,’ give me these challenges.”1

He went through so much more than I have.  I listened to his talk "Give me this Mountain." with his gravelly voice and a new understanding.  Then I got it in print.  The part that spoke to me was this

I will “wholly follow the Lord my God” to the fullest extent of my energy and my ability.

Earnestly and fervently I urge that each of you make this same pledge and effort—every priesthood leader, every woman in Israel, each young man, each young woman, every boy and girl.

This I can do. This is what I desire. I can give MY energy, MY ability. I will wholly follow the Lord my God.  That is what I can do with the gift of life I have been given.  I'm still here and I want to do all I can to live my covenants, love others and serve my God.

Grateful:

• pizza ordered
• Milt did the grocery shopping.
• Women's Conference which was wonderful.  Again I want to have charity, to love others and to increase in faith.
• the sun came out today

Friday

Your mess is your message.  That is something I was told years ago.  We learn from our experiences and then we share them in hope of inspiring or teaching others.  Well, I feel like I am in my mess. I don't have inspiration to share any great insights.  For now, I am just surviving the mess with hope of thriving at some time.  There is something to be said about surviving, about keeping on.  Right now I will just keep keepin' on.

Today has been better. I finally got some help for my UTI.  I am so thrilled to have one less problem to worry about.  When you can't walk straight and have to make bathroom trips almost constantly it gets old fast. I am constantly being told I am too skinny so I am working on that and I feel so very full a lot of the time. There is not much that tastes good so it is an effort to eat but I am trying to choose foods that are good for me and dense in nutrition.  My sweet husband likes to make very green smoothies every morning and when they are not too nasty I do get some down.  I sure have lots of great people taking care of me.

I had a discussion with my sweet husband the other day.  I feel like I have become somewhat of a burden.  He loves me. He wants me here and he is not sorry that I take extra work.  I told him it is his fault I am still here between priesthood blessings and prayers, he kept me here so he better be glad and not blame me ;)

Grateful:

• My husband loves me
• I'm still here
• There is a good chance I am learning lots
• We have heat in our house

Thursday

It has been a couple of days and they have been interesting.  I try to stay active but I get tired so fast. I did go to the ward party for a bit and some people actually talked to me. I don't know if I am scary but very few people will talk with me.

I ended up with a headache and stomach ache last night.  The Tylenol did not seem to help but finally throwing up this morning has although I have not felt up to much.  Tears have been very close to the surface and my sweet girls seeing me cry, brightened my room.  I love having them care and showing it. They are so sweet.

Grateful

• I can speak
• my family is patient
• I am walking better
• we got rain last night.

Monday

Today was my daughter Emily's 27 birthday. She is such a joy and sweetheart. A loving wife and wonderful new mother. A woman with a servant heart and a love of God and her Savior Jesus Christ.

It was a good full day for me.  My visiting teachers came.  It turns out one of them has had a brain injury, was in a coma for a month during which her husband died. I am again content with my own challenges and blessings and very grateful she is doing well now.

I went to lunch with Emily and Elise to Los Amigos and then for ice cream. It was sure fun to be out with my girls.

Emily took me around the high school that afternoon and helped me do parent teacher conference. We got it all done and it felt like quite an accomplishment.

The kids went out to pick the garden as it has already frozen.  Isaac's finger got cut pretty good.I wasn't able to deal with it so I got Dane to take him to the doctors. Luckily we found an office still open and didn't have to to an ER visit. He did not end up with stitches and everyone is fine.

We ready a couple of stories from the friend magazine for fhe and go to bed early.

Grateful

• I'm getting steadier on my feet.
• I slept through a lot of the night
• I showered.

a bump to the head

I was up at my parents home trying to help with some dejunking.  I was grateful to to useful. It didn't last. I was going downstairs and there was a pull-up bar in the door jam at the bottom of the stairs. I tried to do something and it fell. Dropping me on my head.  I remember nothing more for the next several days.  Apparently the fall resulted in an epidermal hematoma. A very serious thing between the skull and the brain that required immediate brain surgery. They went in and removed the clot and repaired the artery that had the problem.  People had been known to die from this injury when not treated quickly and properly. I scared my family pretty well but through prayers and priesthood blessing I am still here and actually doing well.

I received several priesthood blessings and many prayers to help me heal

 There have been so many thoughts in this journey so far.  I woke up confused and feeling insulted by the questions they kept asking and finding myself tied down. I was lucky to always have a familiar face in the room.  My family had organized and stayed with me at all times.  Milton, Amber, Julie, Natalie, Elise, and Emily all took turns.

the scar from my surgery

the drain

Once I was conscious I was able to progress getting out of the ICU and then the hospital.  I am learning a lot and have a lot of time to think. I want to remember some of the thoughts I am having as well as the  little blessings of each day, each step.

Me and my mom

 I can think. I passed all their tests and can think things through.

• I can hear with both ears. For quite a while my right ear felt plugged and I could not hear well and often felt echoing in my own head.
• I can walk. I may be wobbly but I have the motions and with practice I am getting better every day.
• I am aiming better at my mouth.  It was taking a bit of effort and concentration to aim food at my mouth and I did sometimes miss a bit.  I'm not missing any more
• Food is starting to taste good.  For quite a while everything tasted of cheap tin can.  Nothing was good. It was hard to enjoy food and I was trying lots of different things hoping that something would taste good.
• My appetite is increasing.  I was getting full on a bit of each item and feeling like I was pushing it.  I have released over 10 lb since the accident and am feeling rather bony. Yesterday morning I was at 118. I don't remember that weight before.  In May I was a lot closer to 150 and have been working to shed the extra pounds but these last 10 are not really extra.
• My thoughts are improving. I am looking for things in life that are good and finding good things all around me.
• I can smile with both sides of my mouth.
• I'm not drooling as much.
• 
  

September 15

Yesterday at church the line from a hymn said "teach me tolerance and love". The Spirit taught me that tolerance isn't just for others with differing ideas. I need to learn tolerance for me, for the journey I am on, for the trials that are given me and for the mistakes I will make along the way. I need to learn to love my life but even more important I need to learn to love me.

That has been one of the big ideas I have had to work through.  Why am I still here? Is there a reason? a purpose? Wouldn't it have been easier to just be done with this earth experience? My mother in law died at this age. Lots of good people die in there 50s. Am I not good?

I am learning that the trite answers aren't enough for me.  I like to think things through and understand.  I really wondered if I was glad to still be here. I want to be grateful that prayers were answered and that priesthood power was exercised in my behalf. I hadn't asked for it though.  Interesting to be on the other side of things and wonder.  I don't feel like I have some great work to complete. I am feeling grateful that I get to continue to love and raise my young children. I like seeing my grown children continue to grow. I am confident that they would take great care of one another but I am glad to be here to witness their good choices and celebrate life and family.  I think I am here because I still have important things to learn and figure out.  I am needed to stand for truth and righteousness.  I may be limited for a time in the way I can serve and help and teach but there are lessons in the journey too. I am learning new priorities and such a gratitude for simple things.  I love laughter and family visits, the sound of happy children, good night hugs and "I love you"s.  I love being cared about and cared for. I find tears near the surface quite easily and I want to figure out and honor my emotions and how they can bless all of us. I also realize there would be feelings (unfounded) of guilt and regret if I had not made it.  I don't want to add to anyone's burdens. I want to be a source of love.  I want to accept love and give love and just let the rest take care of itself.