self

Self. That's what I have been thinking about. Mostly myself.  I had a very full week with  a busy month and a busy summer.  I have had some great successes along the way but I often remind myself of the regrets. It seems to be one thing after another and although I do sometimes take time for myself by taking a nap or listening to a good book, I have felt overwhelm, exhaustion.  I have been disappointed as I am easily worn out physically.  I try to improve my eating, exercise and it all wears me out and I continue to gain weight.  I try to be okay with whatever. I try to not have my value be dependent on my size.  I have talked with God, asked for help, asked to find a healthy size and be content, asked if there is something I need to learn from this size journey, told him I am willing to do whatever, complained that nothing fits, energy is low, emotions are all over the place and I have a hard time seeing the good. 

I finally fell apart last Monday.  I was ready to sell the house, ignore everyone, quit trying and just be alone.  I have since realized that there may have been some brain chemistry off that added quickly to the overwhelm and sadness (i.e.Yelling and sobbing) that I felt.  I am trying to be better about taking my Q science vitamins because they do seem to help. Then I get frustrated that I need the help and rely on pills.  Then I take enough and the world is a better place and I am grateful. 

So while I have been busy trying to recover, enjoy life and figure stuff out I have realized that my negative attitude is affecting the ones I love.  I have been blind to the needs of family members (when there are 27 of us its easy to miss something). I have been more worried about myself and trying to find the balance of accepting assignments, opportunities, learning experiences and  protecting my sanity.  There doesn't seem to be a simple answer.  What does 'lose yourself in the service of others' really look like?

I am trying to figure out what is real. What is really my fault or under my control?  What should I be doing with my time? Am I being a wise steward of myself mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually? Will that all take care of itself if I focus more on others?

I really want to understand. I feel like I am in this journey for a reason but it is an uphill climb.  I try to watch out for and help my kids but there are always little conversations that cause a red flag and I wonder if I did something wrong or am not doing enough or need to do more. 

I am very grateful for the hope I have that I am not alone.  That I matter to my Heavenly Father.  I am listening to Little Women for a book club I want to join (one more thing that I think I want and is good but do I have time and is it selfish?).  There are so many wise lessons in the pages of that book that help me want to be a better woman, a better mom. I feel inspired. I highlight. And then I doubt if I can do it. 

I am not perfect. I know that and I know that I am not required to be perfect. I just need to keep trying. Even trying feels really hard some days, some moments.  There is so much good in my life.  When I stop and count blessings including good people in my life I am overwhelmed with the abundance of my life.  Even this sometimes leads me to feeling guilty.  I think why? Why when I am so blessed am I still struggling to be happy?  Why when I am so blessed do I feel anything but gratitude? Why can't I be the cheerful one? the one who sees good in everything? the one who never complains or speaks ill of others? the one who knows how best to help and has the courage to act? Who give abundantly and receives graciously? who can stick to a schedule and always be learning and becoming better physically, spiritually, emotionally, and mentally? And I come through the circle again wondering how do I really make progress.  What does it look like? Am I doing anything right?

And there you have it.  Self. I seem to be thinking again of myself. 
"God, please continue to be patient with me. I will continue to turn to you. You are my strength and my song. You have said I can ask and receive, seek and find. That the Holy Ghost can tell me all things what I should do.  I need that.  Please help me live worthy of thy Spirit, making choices that help me to hear the still small voice. Please give me courage to move forward, act on promptings, trust thee and enjoy this journey, this pilgrimage. Please forgive me my doubts, my despair. I will have hope and faith."