Bike Race. General Conference and finally being still

 We enjoyed a fantastic day in Richfield at the regional bike race. Simeon and Debbie are both high school racers this year. Debbie had her best race going from 43 to 23.  Simeon did great placing at 21.  They sure love racing but also they love the atmosphere and comradery of the team and the races.  

It was also General Conference.  We got to the course early and decided to fill some empty volunteer spots.  Milt and I both volunteered as course marshals. That is where we get to your assigned spot and just sit with a radio and cheer on the riders.  It seemed like an ideal place to put my earphones in and listen to conference.  But it did not work.  The cell service was way too week and I could not listen. I pleaded with Heavenly Father to make it work. I would see 3 bars then 1.  I eventually got maybe 1-2 minutes and it was gone.  I realized that I would just have to wait.  I was a little sad but it was a beautiful day and I learned how to be a course marshal.  

By the time the kids finally realized we needed to go, I had listen a little to the afternoon session of conference.  It is crazy but I just got angry. I was disappointed with them. I felt like the over-the-mark social distancing and masks that was shown, talked about, demonstrated at conference was surely not sincere.  From everything I have heard this pandemic Covid 19 is not as dangerous or deadly as first supposed.  It is also not as quick to spread.  Are the church leaders just trying to be super politically correct? or is the information that I receive not true?  Is there something more to this than anyone is telling? or is it just a way to isolate people, weaken relationships, desensitize humans to one another and make us all feel like we ourselves are a major danger to everyone else?  I was angry and questioning if there is any revelation in this overreaching government mandates, kowtowing to any government whim in the name of 'good global citizens' and not encouraging people to seek answers and act accordingly.  The example set does not match anything in the world I live in.  Why?

There were tears as I questioned my beliefs, my obedience.  I know my Father lives and love me. I know I have a savior, Jesus Christ. I have felt the Holy Ghost teach and comfort me.  I will never turn on them so why so angry? Have I been doing it all wrong? Am I suppose to hunker down at home and ignore people, responsibilities, callings? Should we cancel all ministering assignments? Is it wrong to think we should continue watch care? Are there some real lessons I have missed because I chose to take the risk of living and loving?  Ultimately should I be staying home, avoiding ward council, sacrament meeting, visiting people, welcoming my family into my home, greeting people even if I am in a mask?

Now on Sunday morning I got up early.  I started making cinnamon rolls and cheesy eggs and listening to Saturday morning session of General Conference.  Finally I am feeling the love of God again. I am being reminded that he is award of me. In fact so much so that I am receiving witness after witness that I am still being guided.  I cleaned out my food room yesterday and I am in good shape. I had my stake relief society very kindly call me out on my less than Christlike attitude. I have wondered if we are alone, how things can ever work out and I was reminded that there are more with us than against us.  After just one hour, I needed to just feel the truths of what had been shared. I got to be still with my thoughts and my tears and trade feelings of anger for feelings of gratitude and hope.  

I am feeling very grateful for living prophets and apostles, leaders who are having similar experiences and especially for the Holy Ghost.  He teaches me, is patient with my learn curve and gets me the answers I need when I need them.  I don't think I would have got nearly as much out of the first hour of conference if I had been able to access it during the race.  Instead, my loving Father in Heaven orchestrated it so I could have the best experience for me.  I am truly grateful and looking forward to cinnamon rolls and conference all day today.

Copper

 Copper is a copper colored standard poodle. A treasured and loved member of the Van O family. He was just reaching adulthood. He was hit and killed by a car tonight.  My heart is sad as I had a front row seat to the mourning of this dear little family.  

Elise is heart broken.  She was so proud of this sweet, well behaved, kindhearted dog. She called after being told that someone thought it was her dog on the highway.  He was already gone. Another hit and run. Her husband out of town and her children home waiting, she called her dad.  It was after he left that I felt the need to be there too.  I pray that a mother's hug can still bring comfort to adult children because she is still my little girl and oh how I want to relieve the pain for her and her sweet family.  

I took her home to deliver the news.  I watched as she hugged her 11 yo son and they both cried together. He had been out walking Copper when he took off.  They were pals. He is taking it hard.

We went inside to the other 3 kids to explain that Copper was gone.  Hugs and tears. Having to be so specific so the 3 year old could understand.  Lucy sobbing in her mom's arms without understand why she was so sad.  Nellie thoughtfully pulled out a photo book and shared a favorite picture of Copper. Josh laying sick on the couch with a fever tried to do what he could.

They said goodbye to Copper and then circled in family prayer.  Nellie said the prayer. I was so amazed and grateful for her gratitude and faith.  She thanked Heavenly Father for all the fun they had with Copper and that he got to be their dog.

Grandpa gave both Jack and Josh blessings, one of comfort and one of healing.  They have plans to bury him tomorrow up the mountain at a place they can visit again.  The healing process may take a while, especially for my Elise. I pray they may all find comfort and peace, forgiveness and patience as they seek answers and more forward. 

He and Grandpa found a sweet spot up the mountain as Copper's final resting place.

Easter 2020

I received this invitation Saturday evening.  When I suggested it, my family went into action and made beautiful happen!  It was so fun to bear testimony.

We gathered up our plastic eggs. We didn't have candy for the eggs and no plans for an Easter egg hunt.  We still had fun but writing notes for each egg (He is not here, He is risen, Jesus loves you...) and then hid them around the yards of our kids homes in town.  It was sneaky and fun.

Easter morning we were out the door in time to enjoy the sunrise. We went to Pioneer Heritage Park, enjoyed the view of the sun, temple, clouds, color and beauty. We sang songs, read John 20 and just enjoyed the quiet time here.

These two kiddos are such great sports. They are fun to be with and bring such joy to every day.  After we read about the resurrection, we had them race down to this spot for another picture.  The winner was these two that Jesus loves. 

Sweet rolls for breakfast. (no cinnamon)

We shared one Easter basket and also were surprised by an Easter lily from our neighbors.  It smells wonderful. It is my first ever and I like it.

Easter bunny offerings and an Easter lily with card from Arnoldsons

This is our second year of the tradition with a red egg.  It is dyed with yellow onion skins, turns this beautiful red and represents a story from when it was illegal to be a believer. The believers used a red egg to share their testimony that He is risen. The matriarch of the family shares their testimony and the egg is kept all year as a reminder of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. This year we read Grandma Marilyn Peterson's testimony. Sure wish we could have had her here too.

We enjoyed a meal of ham, potatoes, asparagus, jello, rolls and strawberry shortcake.  Since we all live and work together, it made sense to celebrate together. So very grateful for family both close by and those we get to talk to wherever they are.

It is also Maddie's third birthday. She is a sweetie.

Samuel, Natalie, Gideon, William

Natalie, Jared, William, Thomas

Simeon and Debbie

Corona Virus

It has been such a unique and interesting month of discomfort and adjustments.  It seemed to come on so suddenly--all these restrictions and closing down of so much of 'normal' life.  We watched as church was canceled, school, restaurants, all gathering places for sports or entertainment, temples, parks, public restrooms. Fear of even pumping gas. Rationing at the grocery stores. Limits to how many can come into the store, how close you can be. Plastic sheets installed between costumer and cashier.

Through it all we have stayed safe and sane.  I am so grateful that we have always kept a well stocked pantry. We are use to being home and spending time together.  School on line is not completely new.  We have been blessed with all the resources to have church at home.  We have family close by that we share games, movies, and conversation.  We have been able to reach out to friends and those we minister to in new ways.  We have felt the joy of uniting together as a global community to fight against the spread of COVID19.  We are united in fasting tomorrow that we may find relief, that the virus will be controlled, that those care taking will be protected, that our economy will recover, and that life will become normal again. 

People are scared,  worried, some sick, some dying, some paralyzed with all the what if's, or how will it ever be normal again questions.  I feel again the joy in having chosen the word PEACE for my focus this year.  I never dreamed that so much unrest could surround the whole world with a global pandemic.  I am happy to be able to see that I have found the source of peace. The Prince of Peace is available to all. As I look for peace, study peace, listen for peace, I am grateful to feel peace in the storm, to feel the calm in the midst, to feel the strength of God in all of this.  I know God lives. He is in his heaven and he is with me here. He is glorious.  I have no need to fear.

I heard from a dear friend in Switzerland that she has had the virus. Though she had a milder case, her husband was hospitalized for 17 days and reached critical condition before things finally turned.  I got to hear her sweet experience as she testified of the power of prayer and a loving Heavenly Father.  Faith and prayers of people from all walks of faith uniting together to ask for help and protection.  And He hears and answers our pleas.  

We are enjoying a campaign from the church #hearhim and amazing General Conference this last weekend where we received a Proclamation on the Restoration, were able to participate in a worldwide Hosanna shout, receive God's word through His servants, the prophets and many other inspired speakers with the peace that comes when we prepare questions and listen for the answers.  

I love my Savior Jesus Christ. I love being a member of His church.  I love my life, my family.  

She was joyful

The quote originally said she was joyful on the last line but I wanted something current, a present choice.

Sometimes I feel lonely, even in a crowd. Sometimes I think I want to just hide in my room until a party is over. Sometimes I am so easily embarrassed and afraid of what others might or are thinking.  I reach out, volunteer, plan things and then I get so very nervous.  I want to serve others and add value and, at other times, I want to move to a remote mountain cabin and live an isolated life.

Do others feel this way?
Am I an introvert?
Maybe.
Or is that just an excuse not to push my boundaries, boundaries that are not real. Are they simply thoughts that are not serving me?

Life can be confusing and it can be hard. There is also so much to life - so much beauty, opportunity, joy, love, adventure.  I don't want fear of the unknown to hold me back or keep me stuck. I don't want to fear failure. I don't want to live a boring life just to feel safe.  After all even boring is not safe.

I get anxious but I push through and find out I can survive.
I get scared but I can put one foot forward at a time, face the dragons, and I become braver.
I feel lonely. I fear people. I find a way to connect with a small group or even better one on one and we are both edified. I end up having fun. I end up creating memories that I cherish. I end up learning to laugh at myself, empathize with others, serve something greater than myself.  I learn to think of someone other than myself.  I learn to feel the discomfort and then move forward.

I got my first issue of Magnolia Journal inspiration for life and home and I am so pleased with the solid content I found.  So here I am trying to figure out feelings and discomfort and direction when I start reading this issue that happens to be "In Pursuit of Happiness Wholeness" and so many things start to bring a new view of life.  Just like the Japanese art of kintsugi where they repair broken pottery with gold. "Kintsugi refocuses our attention from what should have been toward creating something infinitely more beautiful with what remains, and perhaps far more honoring of who we were made to be all along." As with anything Chip and Johanna Gains do, there are beautiful ideas for the home, amazing and delicious food with recipes but there are also deep ideas, struggles, solutions and people.  They spotlighted several ordinary people that are finding wholeness.  Here are a few quotes from their articles.

Clint helps me understand that comparing never helps but accepting our own journey and what it makes us.

And the more I've learned about the brain the more I've realized that stress--no matter the circumstance--is stress, and our minds can't tell the difference.

I realized that we're all becoming something. We're in process always, and that's better than acceptable--it's how we were meant to be. 

 Maybe wholeness is the acceptance of brokenness. Once I'm OK with imperfection, that's when things totally change because I'm not trying to look different or feel different.

 There's peace that I have now after doing the work and then just learning how to sit and be comfortable in the uncomfortable, believing that, day by day, I am being made whole.

Latasha taught me about being brave

...you never know what you don't know, so I went.

And I've found that when you get offended by something it's because you probably need to dig into it. 

This is when you face it. This is when you know God is set ion getting your attention and no matter how much you want to put a few blinders up and move forward, there's work to do. 

You never know what fears have crept into our hearts or what doubts have taken root. So we refuse to ignore the past or avoid potential pain. We step bravely into it. Because we have set ourselves in a new trajectory; to look the hard stuff in the face, to apologize with every bit of our hearts, and to let a covenant take its place. 

Michelle taught me about disappointment, honesty and vulnerability

Even though it's been two decades, I still need to be OK with grieving. I still need to admit the hole in my heart. But that's not the end of my story.

I've learned to embrace and not withdraw, unless I need to set a boundary

I think this honest posture is why I'm in a good place. 

All of us have broken parts, fragile parts but that is what adds beauty to life and a richness in our ability to connect with others.  Finding a way to embrace who we have been, who we are and who we want to be is part of that being perfect.  Being perfect to me is coming to mean being whole.  Accepting all of me, not just the confident or beautiful or ready to be seen parts but loving all of me and loving all of others too.

I loved this podcast by Terri Sevelle Foy .  She has been a recent find of mine and I love her attitude, love of God and confidence in hope.

Jody Moore has become a regular part of my listening habits so much so that the ideas she teaches are finally sinking in and I am learning to run models for my own situations.  As I have heard more and more about anxiety I have wondered if I have a problem.  I don't like being uncomfortable and there are too many times I wanted to use anxiety as an excuse to stay where I am.  This podcast rang true for me.  We do things even through the discomfort. It's part of living life and growing. Its part of being human and having a human experience.

So here I am with all these good sources, ideas and hopes. Now what?  Since our new 2 hour church schedule I have been missing connection.  I miss the sisterhood of Relief Society that we weren't even that good at.  I have every confidence that this change was inspired and I want to embrace it fully but I feel so disconnected, so alone.  I am trying to figure out a new way of connecting, of doing things. To find God's way for me. I know I need people. I know I am needed. I know that for things to change, I must change.  I want to be okay with the awkward beginnings of friendship, the need to be forgiven and to forgive along that path, the embarrassment of mistakes or letting someone else see a little bit more of who I am on the inside. I know it all could be painful. But with pain comes joy too.  The more I focus on seeing the good in others and in myself, the more I count blessings along the way, the painful things can take their proper place in my history adding depth to who I am. Maybe even adding gold.

I have kept these quotes from Ann Voskamp.  She has such a beautiful way with words, rephrasing in a way that creates an opportunity to think a little differently.

Hard things just keep calling you because you're meant to answer to higher and better things

You're meant to do hard and holy things because they are the next thing--to get to the best thing. 

And perfect love says you don't have to show anyone up--you just have to show up. 

Perfect love says you don't have to impress anyone--you just have to press on. 

Perfect love says when you mess up--he'll carry you

Fire your perfectionism and your procrastination will quit too. 

We may be growing older but our hearts are growing larger, and we may be limping along but we can help welcome a family into our family that longs to belong, we may be hurting in all kinds of ways, but we can be kind and help others hurting in their own way.

Getting to love makes you the luckiest of all, because love always wins.

And a few more random notes I want to remember

• Review your patriarchal blessing
• Different but better
• I had to imagine myself not as the person I thought I was, and not as the person I believed others pictured me to be, but as the person that I wanted to be.
•  Our views of others are a direct result of how we feel about ourselves. Once we fill our minds with positive thoughts about ourselves, we will be able to more clearly see the good in those around us. Give others the benefit of the doubt and allow them to shine. Be slow to judge. Give others a chance to excel. We never know what greatness is hidden behind our short-sighted views. 
• H.W.L.F. He would love first.

As I learn from all these amazing people and resources my goal is to truly be joyful in any circumstance, having a perspective that is filled with love and trust of God and my earthly experience.

Terri Sevelle Foy How do you start dreaming again?
Jody Moore on Anxiety
All In podcast with Brooke Romney and craving connection
A Holy Experience Ann Voskamp

Easter 2019

We began our Easter with an early morning walk. It is so fun to sit at the pioneer heritage park and watch the sunrise behind the temple.  Thinking about the Son of God who rose from the grave giving us the best gift ever. The gift of eternal life.

Daisy

 That afternoon we enjoyed an Easter egg hunt.  Unfortunately the weather had not cooperated so we just moved the hunt indoors.

 Our Easter feast shared with family reminds me that family is another gift from God for which I am so grateful.

Nauvoo and British pageant experience

Red Cast of the pageant began on July1 with getting our costumes and our first meeting/intro to the core cast and a chance to start off running from the beginning,

Day 1

our cabin for our Nauvoo experience

The view from our cabin and my family out standing in the lake

 We celebrated Debbie's birthday, and she got to go to the Nauvoo temple to do baptisms.

Our red cast experience included all these good people that we worked with, played with, and grew to love.  So very grateful for our pageant experience and to share it with these people at this time.

British pageant costumes and set

From this picture on the photos are in random order but still a fun reminder of the good times.

Drive home in our Buick enclave