Parade sisters

 We have a community dance group. We meet at the church three times a week for an hour, do yoga, ballet, tap, aerobics, clogging, pilates, and belly dancing.  It is all for free, with members teaching when and what they can.  

Our belly dance teacher is a sweet woman from Ukraine. She shares her love for dance and patiently teaches us to do the best we can. It is a great core workout and challenges my brain to remember routines.  She wanted to do a float in the county fair parade.  Not very many of the women were 'available' to participate. I had not attended class since May, but I wanted to support Anna and the talent she had shared with us.

I was embarrassed and agreed to just throw candy, but when we were all there, just the five of us, I ended up dancing on a moving platform with everyone else.  I grabbed sunglasses, hoping that would make me less recognizable. It did not work.  I remembered the dance quite well.  Did my best. Threw candy often and did not fall. We actually had fun. But then came the kind people who recognized me.  I joked and did not want to admit my choice to be in the parade.  

Then I took time to think about why I had said yes. Here I was again, afraid to say no.  My experience at the first of the week was fresh in my mind.  Why did I say ok? Because I wanted to support these good, kind women.  How do I know they are good and kind? Because they have always welcomed me, even when my attendance is only occasional. I have seen the way they rally around each other, cheer each other on, try new things together, and always love each other for just being themselves.  That is what attracts me to this group. That is why I claim them.  They claimed me first, and second, and each time I show up.  They are a variety of ages, backgrounds, life stages, religions, and even countries, but exercise and sisterhood have beautifully united us.

I have acquaintances that I trust and love because of our shared experience in a dark church cultural hall. We have become friends.  That is why I risked my reputation and said yes.  That is why I tried something scary and found peace, deepening friendship, and a chance to consider the joy of being included.

People told me I was brave.  A granny belly dancing on a float is novel. I hope I can make choices considering all the angles and benefits and then choose to do my best to support and love.

She was joyful

The quote originally said she was joyful on the last line but I wanted something current, a present choice.

Sometimes I feel lonely, even in a crowd. Sometimes I think I want to just hide in my room until a party is over. Sometimes I am so easily embarrassed and afraid of what others might or are thinking.  I reach out, volunteer, plan things and then I get so very nervous.  I want to serve others and add value and, at other times, I want to move to a remote mountain cabin and live an isolated life.

Do others feel this way?
Am I an introvert?
Maybe.
Or is that just an excuse not to push my boundaries, boundaries that are not real. Are they simply thoughts that are not serving me?

Life can be confusing and it can be hard. There is also so much to life - so much beauty, opportunity, joy, love, adventure.  I don't want fear of the unknown to hold me back or keep me stuck. I don't want to fear failure. I don't want to live a boring life just to feel safe.  After all even boring is not safe.

I get anxious but I push through and find out I can survive.
I get scared but I can put one foot forward at a time, face the dragons, and I become braver.
I feel lonely. I fear people. I find a way to connect with a small group or even better one on one and we are both edified. I end up having fun. I end up creating memories that I cherish. I end up learning to laugh at myself, empathize with others, serve something greater than myself.  I learn to think of someone other than myself.  I learn to feel the discomfort and then move forward.

I got my first issue of Magnolia Journal inspiration for life and home and I am so pleased with the solid content I found.  So here I am trying to figure out feelings and discomfort and direction when I start reading this issue that happens to be "In Pursuit of Happiness Wholeness" and so many things start to bring a new view of life.  Just like the Japanese art of kintsugi where they repair broken pottery with gold. "Kintsugi refocuses our attention from what should have been toward creating something infinitely more beautiful with what remains, and perhaps far more honoring of who we were made to be all along." As with anything Chip and Johanna Gains do, there are beautiful ideas for the home, amazing and delicious food with recipes but there are also deep ideas, struggles, solutions and people.  They spotlighted several ordinary people that are finding wholeness.  Here are a few quotes from their articles.

Clint helps me understand that comparing never helps but accepting our own journey and what it makes us.

And the more I've learned about the brain the more I've realized that stress--no matter the circumstance--is stress, and our minds can't tell the difference.

I realized that we're all becoming something. We're in process always, and that's better than acceptable--it's how we were meant to be. 

 Maybe wholeness is the acceptance of brokenness. Once I'm OK with imperfection, that's when things totally change because I'm not trying to look different or feel different.

 There's peace that I have now after doing the work and then just learning how to sit and be comfortable in the uncomfortable, believing that, day by day, I am being made whole.

Latasha taught me about being brave

...you never know what you don't know, so I went.

And I've found that when you get offended by something it's because you probably need to dig into it. 

This is when you face it. This is when you know God is set ion getting your attention and no matter how much you want to put a few blinders up and move forward, there's work to do. 

You never know what fears have crept into our hearts or what doubts have taken root. So we refuse to ignore the past or avoid potential pain. We step bravely into it. Because we have set ourselves in a new trajectory; to look the hard stuff in the face, to apologize with every bit of our hearts, and to let a covenant take its place. 

Michelle taught me about disappointment, honesty and vulnerability

Even though it's been two decades, I still need to be OK with grieving. I still need to admit the hole in my heart. But that's not the end of my story.

I've learned to embrace and not withdraw, unless I need to set a boundary

I think this honest posture is why I'm in a good place. 

All of us have broken parts, fragile parts but that is what adds beauty to life and a richness in our ability to connect with others.  Finding a way to embrace who we have been, who we are and who we want to be is part of that being perfect.  Being perfect to me is coming to mean being whole.  Accepting all of me, not just the confident or beautiful or ready to be seen parts but loving all of me and loving all of others too.

I loved this podcast by Terri Sevelle Foy .  She has been a recent find of mine and I love her attitude, love of God and confidence in hope.

Jody Moore has become a regular part of my listening habits so much so that the ideas she teaches are finally sinking in and I am learning to run models for my own situations.  As I have heard more and more about anxiety I have wondered if I have a problem.  I don't like being uncomfortable and there are too many times I wanted to use anxiety as an excuse to stay where I am.  This podcast rang true for me.  We do things even through the discomfort. It's part of living life and growing. Its part of being human and having a human experience.

So here I am with all these good sources, ideas and hopes. Now what?  Since our new 2 hour church schedule I have been missing connection.  I miss the sisterhood of Relief Society that we weren't even that good at.  I have every confidence that this change was inspired and I want to embrace it fully but I feel so disconnected, so alone.  I am trying to figure out a new way of connecting, of doing things. To find God's way for me. I know I need people. I know I am needed. I know that for things to change, I must change.  I want to be okay with the awkward beginnings of friendship, the need to be forgiven and to forgive along that path, the embarrassment of mistakes or letting someone else see a little bit more of who I am on the inside. I know it all could be painful. But with pain comes joy too.  The more I focus on seeing the good in others and in myself, the more I count blessings along the way, the painful things can take their proper place in my history adding depth to who I am. Maybe even adding gold.

I have kept these quotes from Ann Voskamp.  She has such a beautiful way with words, rephrasing in a way that creates an opportunity to think a little differently.

Hard things just keep calling you because you're meant to answer to higher and better things

You're meant to do hard and holy things because they are the next thing--to get to the best thing. 

And perfect love says you don't have to show anyone up--you just have to show up. 

Perfect love says you don't have to impress anyone--you just have to press on. 

Perfect love says when you mess up--he'll carry you

Fire your perfectionism and your procrastination will quit too. 

We may be growing older but our hearts are growing larger, and we may be limping along but we can help welcome a family into our family that longs to belong, we may be hurting in all kinds of ways, but we can be kind and help others hurting in their own way.

Getting to love makes you the luckiest of all, because love always wins.

And a few more random notes I want to remember

• Review your patriarchal blessing
• Different but better
• I had to imagine myself not as the person I thought I was, and not as the person I believed others pictured me to be, but as the person that I wanted to be.
•  Our views of others are a direct result of how we feel about ourselves. Once we fill our minds with positive thoughts about ourselves, we will be able to more clearly see the good in those around us. Give others the benefit of the doubt and allow them to shine. Be slow to judge. Give others a chance to excel. We never know what greatness is hidden behind our short-sighted views. 
• H.W.L.F. He would love first.

As I learn from all these amazing people and resources my goal is to truly be joyful in any circumstance, having a perspective that is filled with love and trust of God and my earthly experience.

Terri Sevelle Foy How do you start dreaming again?
Jody Moore on Anxiety
All In podcast with Brooke Romney and craving connection
A Holy Experience Ann Voskamp

Alaskan friends

I had the privilege of meeting my new friend Cindy this summer.  She was visiting  our children's' hospital for her daughter who has a very difficult disease.  It has been a hard time for their family with being separated, not getting the results they wished for and having challenges at home.

Being in pageant was a wonderful distraction from their daily worries.  Her son enjoyed being a warrior every night, She and her daughter were able to perform several times as angels.  She managed to remain cheerful and friendly.  It seems one of the ways she managed to endure, stay cheerful,  and lift others was her gratitude. I learned from her that there is great power in being grateful and expressing that gratitude to others.  Every time I saw her she smiled, gave me a hug, and said how grateful she was to be able to be participants in the pageant.  She didn't sugarcoat her troubles and she willingly shared the challenges she face of extra hospital stays and challenges at work for her husband but she seems to be going on faith. Faith that the Lord is in charge. Faith that they can get through anything with His help. Faith that there are daily miracles that are recognized as we look for them and appreciate the source from whence they come.  I am sorry for their troubles but I appreciate their example and their friendship.

Another friend I am grateful to be able to pray for.

Elyssa

I got an interesting phone call a couple of weeks ago.  A young lady asking to talk to my husband, hoping to be able to help with pageant while she was in town. Actually while she was in the country. Turns out she was visiting from Germany, had served her mission here and was visiting people and wanted to help with the pageant.  Well I invited her to come stay at our home.  We met her one night for just a  few minutes. She was traveling with a friend who would be serving a mission here in November.  A couple of days later she was here to stay.

Elyssa was so easy and a delight.  Her English was very good. Her personality was fun and she was hard working.  She was a delight with the kids and made fast friends.  She is the oldest with 4 younger brothers so she was just fine with all the commotion our house brings as well as a few bodily function noises.

One of the many miracles was that she was able to gather several other German speaking friends she knew in the area and they were able to record a German translation of the pageant.  The day after she left a couple came through town on their way to the canyon lands and asked what was going on. They were invited to stay for pageant.  This couple said they would stay if we had it in German. Yep, we have it in German as of this week. They stayed, enjoyed the pageant and asked for a Book of Mormon.

Elyssa served in the temple, helped set up chairs, fences, scenery, went swimming, horseback riding, puppy cuddling and truly and cheerfully made the most out of every moment.  She recognized opportunities, blessings and miracles.  She shared of herself and had genuine interest in others. She made so many friends.  I feel so lucky to have had her come to my house so I could get to know her too.  We are friends on Facebook now and when one of my young woman got her mission call to Frankfurt, Germany I connected the 2 of them.  It is amazing to me how her one little light brightened our corner of the world and continues to shine.  I want to some day visit her in Germany but in the mean time I hope her friend gets put in our area and we continue to make good friends with our new German acquaintances.

Laurie

A friend in need is a friend in deed. When I needed a friend and didn't even realize it, Heavenly Father blessed me with Laurie. Laurie Bishop is a very good friend of mine.  She snuck this picture on an early morning walk and then posted it on facebook.

Though we don't look beautiful and put together, we are real and genuine.  That is how our friendship is.  There is no need to put up a front or pretend in any way.  Its a safe place for which I am so grateful.

Laurie is one of those people who loves others and gives everything.  I think she was guided to know that I needed a friend.  She initiated things together, like walking every morning at 5:45 which got me up and moving and provided a platform for sharing hopes, dreams, and insights.  She always acted like I was doing her a favor and yet I know that she has pulled me out of my cave, out of my comfort zone, out of my pity party where I thought I had no friends and welcomed me into her family, her friends and her life.  We have had so much fun over the years.  Our children have become best of friends too.  It is so good to have friends with common interests, goals, and especially standards. 

When I had my accident in August, Laurie did not forget me nor did she let me hide or sit home.  She called or came by daily.  We went on walks together where she would push a wheelchair so that when I had done as much as I could, she would push me.  We advanced to a cane and then to just holding her arm when necessary.  Each small and slow step of the way she treated me like I was someone special.  She treated me with a value and worth that I didn't always feel and it was a huge and happy part of each day.

I am so grateful for her. Glad she has taught me what a true friend is and has always been there for me. She has taught me patience. She has taught me unconditional love. She has taught me that it is fun to share insights and "ah ha's" as well as fears and concerns.  We share our journey from large family mother to grandmother and mother in law with all of its new challenges and joys.  We have shared our callings and attitudes as we accept the challenge of new callings and new wards. I know when she is around I have a good friend nearby who truly would do anything for me. I hope and pray that she realizes her worth and that I, too, would do anything for her.  I look up to her and would love to be more like her in so many ways.  She is my friend, my teacher, my hero and my sister.  

Visiting learning

I got to do some visiting today. Visiting is such a great chance to visit.  Ok, well it is a good chance to share thoughts, feelings, ideas. I get to learn from the things shared and not shared but taught me anyway. It is really a cool thing that happens and I come home still thinking about amazing women who share with me.

A couple of days ago I got to visit with a dear friend at Walmart.  Sometimes in a small town Walmart becomes the social event and where we get to meet up, bump into people, and catch up.  With the music in the back ground a quiet aisle is a great place to share laughter and even tears.  There is something to be said about putting your best foot forward and remaining cheerful, sharing the good but sometimes it means a lot when we delve a little deeper to the honest. The moments that are hard knowing that they are just moments but they help define us giving depth and dimension to a relationship.  Sharing the things of our heart, the quiet messages that come in times of need or pondering. Being vulnerable opens a place for real growth.  I learned from her the importance of bringing all my loaves and all my fishes, knowing that they are not nearly enough but then trusting God to make up the difference, to let me be an instrument in his hands.  I can't do enough but I am enough for him to use if I am simply willing to submit, to act, to try.

So today I did some more visiting.  I have dear friends whose lives are sometimes difficult.  I like to hope that a listening ear and a shared word help to carry them through.  I have noticed that sometimes we want things different but are unwilling to make the necessary changes.  We need to be willing to go out of our comfort zone in order to experience something new.  As I watched one friend struggle with what it might take to make things better I am reminded of the Israelites in the wilderness as they learned a new way and had to make adjustments.  I thought specifically of the manna. It was given daily from God but they were required to gather the manna.  It was essential to their survival but God would not do everything for them.  He made it possible for them to succeed but he didn't put it on their plates.  They had to go out and gather. They had to act in faith.  How often do I want to stay where I am comfortable? How often do I fear the unknown and possibly miss the gifts that are right there for the taking.  I am convinced that we are surrounded by good and bad, light and darkness.  We have the ability to seek and what we seek for is what we will find.  If we want good then it is right there but we have to reach out for it.  We have to act. Maybe it creates a sense of ownership, of accomplishment.  Satan is much more willing to just hand us the bad, the negative, the doubts and fears and false sense of security. It really takes actively rejecting the negative and seeking the positive. It takes effort daily to gather the manna (the bread of life) to sustain us.  It is essential to our salvation.

I just found this article and it speaks to me again.  God only asks a little but we need to choose him.
  An Hour to Watch with Him He does understand that we are week and being tested and learning and growing but he is so there to help us if we will just try and give what we have.

fun friends

To my Dear Bishop friends:

You always plan such fun parties.  You provide the ideas, the food, the friends, and the toys.  I didn't know cattails could be so fun and expand so much.

 I didn't know they could be so fun as weapons - swords and spears.

Then came the rock climbing. 

 The children make it look so easy

 You helped me face my fear of heights and get on top. (where I could properly supervise and worry over all the little ones up there.)

 I didn't know such sweet ordinary looking ladies could have so much fun talking and wandering around a closed campground.

 Or that a simple looking rope swing could be so much fun and such a challenge.  My dear friends help me discover my weaknesses . . .

 I almost made it but they

 show me how to do it in style,

 and then so I don't feel bad, you show me how not to do it.

 As well as a bit of compassion from your sweet daughter.

 with Melody finishing it all off with ease.

 then as we are walking out we discover another fun, beautiful place to get wet with two would-be mermaids with sassy attitude :)

Thank you for a wonderful picnic with lots of good memories made with great friends.  We are glad to be adopted into the Bishop family.  I hate to think what might happen when Mr. O is released and we can no longer claim the status of bishop's family.

All's grace,
Rebecca

I have a dear friend whose son got married this week. I was able to go to the reception last night. This friend is an inspiration to me. She has had more than her share of troubles and challenges yet she is cheerful and always reaching out to others.

One of the most important things I am learning from her is to look for and recognize blessings. She is feeling very blessed and loved as she has been carried through this wedding with love and so many little miracles coming together to make everything just right. What I really appreciate is that she is quick to share the stories, the miracles, the joy that they bring, with me and everyone who might be interested. She is in her own sweet way bearing testimony of the love of her Savior in her life.

Last night she was just glowing with beauty inside and out. I was seeing His reflection in her countenance. I know she will downplay her beauty but she is truly becoming the graceful, beautiful woman that she wants to be and she is a lot closer than she thinks.

PS 359 days until Christmas! Although I think with loving family, great friends, and recognizing the Savior in our life each day, it is Christmas everyday.