My prayers are being answered, and may I say it is a little uncomfortable. I knew I was not happy ( I have been quite frustrated and negative and angry for months) but when my leader called me (who happens to be my sil also) and lovingly shared what she thought I needed to be reminded about, I heard "You are angry and it is obvious". I knew I was fighting for peace, seeking for understanding, hoping for strength and charity. It was this conversation that so many other experiences prepared me for. Something inside me switched. There was some embarrassment, regret. But there is also a new found reliance on the Spirit.
I have returned to my fervent prayers and am recognizing the steps that have led me to have a change of heart. I am a new person. I had been journaling, listening to uplifting podcasts, started a prayer journal and using my closet as my war room/prayer space. For some reason it needed to be a process. I need to go through a journey so that I can recognize the change in me.
The change feels like light and hope and peace. I feel joy again and gratitude. My thought process is more of how can this be changed for good or seen as good rather than why is this so dumb. I want to figure out solutions rather than complain about the problem. It is so amazing and I want to hang on to this change of heart. I feel like I have experienced a personal miracle. I feel loved. I have a great desire to repent, to be close to God and to love others.
Yesterday I apologized to some people I would love to call dear friends. I get to work with them in my calling and I have been so frustrated at the lack of unity I feel. It had been more a sense of duty and just do what we have to and no more. I now understand the problem was me. It is a bit humbling. I have a desire to be good, to show up in a righteous way, but for a while there I apparently just couldn't get there. I needed divine help. When the time was right, that is what I received - divine help and a change of heart. Maybe the journey was also a part of the divine help I needed because there have been prayers, fasting, blessings along the way.
So now I am trying to do all I can to nurture this beautiful seed that has been planted. I am trying to repent more often, pray for more people by name that I get to be with or am concerned about. Ask forgiveness from heaven and earth. I am recognizing when good and happy thoughts come to my mind and I am cherishing them. Because I spent so much time with the negative, I can now more clearly feel and see the positive and I want to compare and choose this new way, to choose charity.
As light enters my heart and mind I feel hope. I feel a hope I have been missing for a while. I don't have all the answers to many of my questions but I am finding hope and that brings me peace. I am learning to trust God and the good he plants in my heart. After all, charity never fails and charity is what I really want.
