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| The quote originally said she was joyful on the last line but I wanted something current, a present choice. |
Sometimes I feel lonely, even in a crowd. Sometimes I think I want to just hide in my room until a party is over. Sometimes I am so easily embarrassed and afraid of what others might or are thinking. I reach out, volunteer, plan things and then I get so very nervous. I want to serve others and add value and, at other times, I want to move to a remote mountain cabin and live an isolated life.
Do others feel this way?
Am I an introvert?
Maybe.
Or is that just an excuse not to push my boundaries, boundaries that are not real. Are they simply thoughts that are not serving me?
Life can be confusing and it can be hard. There is also so much to life - so much beauty, opportunity, joy, love, adventure. I don't want fear of the unknown to hold me back or keep me stuck. I don't want to fear failure. I don't want to live a boring life just to feel safe. After all even boring is not safe.
I get anxious but I push through and find out I can survive.
I get scared but I can put one foot forward at a time, face the dragons, and I become braver.
I feel lonely. I fear people. I find a way to connect with a small group or even better one on one and we are both edified. I end up having fun. I end up creating memories that I cherish. I end up learning to laugh at myself, empathize with others, serve something greater than myself. I learn to think of someone other than myself. I learn to feel the discomfort and then move forward.
I got my first issue of
Magnolia Journal inspiration for life and home and I am so pleased with the solid content I found. So here I am trying to figure out feelings and discomfort and direction when I start reading this issue that happens to be "In Pursuit of H
appiness Wholeness" and so many things start to bring a new view of life. Just like the Japanese art of kintsugi where they repair broken pottery with gold. "Kintsugi refocuses our attention from what
should have been toward creating something infinitely more beautiful with what remains, and perhaps far more honoring of who we were made to be all along." As with anything Chip and Johanna Gains do, there are beautiful ideas for the home, amazing and delicious food with recipes but there are also deep ideas, struggles, solutions and people. They spotlighted several ordinary people that are finding wholeness. Here are a few quotes from their articles.
Clint helps me understand that comparing never helps but accepting our own journey and what it makes us.
And the more I've learned about the brain the more I've realized that stress--no matter the circumstance--is stress, and our minds can't tell the difference.
I realized that we're all becoming something. We're in process always, and that's better than acceptable--it's how we were meant to be.
Maybe wholeness is the acceptance of brokenness. Once I'm OK with imperfection, that's when things totally change because I'm not trying to look different or feel different.
There's peace that I have now after doing the work and then just learning how to sit and be comfortable in the uncomfortable, believing that, day by day, I am being made whole.
Latasha taught me about being brave
...you never know what you don't know, so I went.
And I've found that when you get offended by something it's because you probably need to dig into it.
This is when you face it. This is when you know God is set ion getting your attention and no matter how much you want to put a few blinders up and move forward, there's work to do.
You never know what fears have crept into our hearts or what doubts have taken root. So we refuse to ignore the past or avoid potential pain. We step bravely into it. Because we have set ourselves in a new trajectory; to look the hard stuff in the face, to apologize with every bit of our hearts, and to let a covenant take its place.
Michelle taught me about disappointment, honesty and vulnerability
Even though it's been two decades, I still need to be OK with grieving. I still need to admit the hole in my heart. But that's not the end of my story.
I've learned to embrace and not withdraw, unless I need to set a boundary
I think this honest posture is why I'm in a good place.
All of us have broken parts, fragile parts but that is what adds beauty to life and a richness in our ability to connect with others. Finding a way to embrace who we have been, who we are and who we want to be is part of that being perfect. Being perfect to me is coming to mean being whole. Accepting all of me, not just the confident or beautiful or ready to be seen parts but loving all of me and loving all of others too.
I loved this
podcast by Terri Sevelle Foy . She has been a recent find of mine and I love her attitude, love of God and confidence in hope.
Jody Moore has become a regular part of my listening habits so much so that the ideas she teaches are finally sinking in and I am learning to run models for my own situations. As I have heard more and more about anxiety I have wondered if I have a problem. I don't like being uncomfortable and there are too many times I wanted to use anxiety as an excuse to stay where I am.
This podcast rang true for me. We do things even through the discomfort. It's part of living life and growing. Its part of being human and having a human experience.
So here I am with all these good sources, ideas and hopes. Now what? Since our new 2 hour church schedule I have been missing connection. I miss the sisterhood of Relief Society that we weren't even that good at. I have every confidence that this change was inspired and I want to embrace it fully but I feel so disconnected, so alone. I am trying to figure out a new way of connecting, of doing things. To find God's way for me. I know I need people. I know I am needed. I know that for things to change, I must change. I want to be okay with the awkward beginnings of friendship, the need to be forgiven and to forgive along that path, the embarrassment of mistakes or letting someone else see a little bit more of who I am on the inside. I know it all could be painful. But with pain comes joy too. The more I focus on seeing the good in others and in myself, the more I count blessings along the way, the painful things can take their proper place in my history adding depth to who I am. Maybe even adding gold.
I have kept these quotes from
Ann Voskamp. She has such a beautiful way with words, rephrasing in a way that creates an opportunity to think a little differently.
Hard things just keep calling you because you're meant to answer to higher and better things
You're meant to do hard and holy things because they are the next thing--to get to the best thing.
And perfect love says you don't have to show anyone up--you just have to show up.
Perfect love says you don't have to impress anyone--you just have to press on.
Perfect love says when you mess up--he'll carry you
Fire your perfectionism and your procrastination will quit too.
We may be growing older but our hearts are growing larger, and we may be limping along but we can help welcome a family into our family that longs to belong, we may be hurting in all kinds of ways, but we can be kind and help others hurting in their own way.
Getting to love makes you the luckiest of all, because love always wins.
And a few more random notes I want to remember
- Review your patriarchal blessing
- Different but better
- I had to imagine myself not as the person I thought I was, and not as the person I believed others pictured me to be, but as the person that I wanted to be.
- Our views of others are a direct result of how we feel about ourselves. Once we fill our minds with positive thoughts about ourselves, we will be able to more clearly see the good in those around us. Give others the benefit of the doubt and allow them to shine. Be slow to judge. Give others a chance to excel. We never know what greatness is hidden behind our short-sighted views.
- H.W.L.F. He would love first.
As I learn from all these amazing people and resources my goal is to truly be joyful in any circumstance, having a perspective that is filled with love and trust of God and my earthly experience.
Terri Sevelle Foy How do you start dreaming again?
Jody Moore on Anxiety
All In podcast with Brooke Romney and craving connection
A Holy Experience Ann Voskamp
