a bump to the head

I was up at my parents home trying to help with some dejunking.  I was grateful to to useful. It didn't last. I was going downstairs and there was a pull-up bar in the door jam at the bottom of the stairs. I tried to do something and it fell. Dropping me on my head.  I remember nothing more for the next several days.  Apparently the fall resulted in an epidermal hematoma. A very serious thing between the skull and the brain that required immediate brain surgery. They went in and removed the clot and repaired the artery that had the problem.  People had been known to die from this injury when not treated quickly and properly. I scared my family pretty well but through prayers and priesthood blessing I am still here and actually doing well.

I received several priesthood blessings and many prayers to help me heal

 There have been so many thoughts in this journey so far.  I woke up confused and feeling insulted by the questions they kept asking and finding myself tied down. I was lucky to always have a familiar face in the room.  My family had organized and stayed with me at all times.  Milton, Amber, Julie, Natalie, Elise, and Emily all took turns.

the scar from my surgery

the drain

Once I was conscious I was able to progress getting out of the ICU and then the hospital.  I am learning a lot and have a lot of time to think. I want to remember some of the thoughts I am having as well as the  little blessings of each day, each step.

Me and my mom

 I can think. I passed all their tests and can think things through.

• I can hear with both ears. For quite a while my right ear felt plugged and I could not hear well and often felt echoing in my own head.
• I can walk. I may be wobbly but I have the motions and with practice I am getting better every day.
• I am aiming better at my mouth.  It was taking a bit of effort and concentration to aim food at my mouth and I did sometimes miss a bit.  I'm not missing any more
• Food is starting to taste good.  For quite a while everything tasted of cheap tin can.  Nothing was good. It was hard to enjoy food and I was trying lots of different things hoping that something would taste good.
• My appetite is increasing.  I was getting full on a bit of each item and feeling like I was pushing it.  I have released over 10 lb since the accident and am feeling rather bony. Yesterday morning I was at 118. I don't remember that weight before.  In May I was a lot closer to 150 and have been working to shed the extra pounds but these last 10 are not really extra.
• My thoughts are improving. I am looking for things in life that are good and finding good things all around me.
• I can smile with both sides of my mouth.
• I'm not drooling as much.
• 
  

September 15

Yesterday at church the line from a hymn said "teach me tolerance and love". The Spirit taught me that tolerance isn't just for others with differing ideas. I need to learn tolerance for me, for the journey I am on, for the trials that are given me and for the mistakes I will make along the way. I need to learn to love my life but even more important I need to learn to love me.

That has been one of the big ideas I have had to work through.  Why am I still here? Is there a reason? a purpose? Wouldn't it have been easier to just be done with this earth experience? My mother in law died at this age. Lots of good people die in there 50s. Am I not good?

I am learning that the trite answers aren't enough for me.  I like to think things through and understand.  I really wondered if I was glad to still be here. I want to be grateful that prayers were answered and that priesthood power was exercised in my behalf. I hadn't asked for it though.  Interesting to be on the other side of things and wonder.  I don't feel like I have some great work to complete. I am feeling grateful that I get to continue to love and raise my young children. I like seeing my grown children continue to grow. I am confident that they would take great care of one another but I am glad to be here to witness their good choices and celebrate life and family.  I think I am here because I still have important things to learn and figure out.  I am needed to stand for truth and righteousness.  I may be limited for a time in the way I can serve and help and teach but there are lessons in the journey too. I am learning new priorities and such a gratitude for simple things.  I love laughter and family visits, the sound of happy children, good night hugs and "I love you"s.  I love being cared about and cared for. I find tears near the surface quite easily and I want to figure out and honor my emotions and how they can bless all of us. I also realize there would be feelings (unfounded) of guilt and regret if I had not made it.  I don't want to add to anyone's burdens. I want to be a source of love.  I want to accept love and give love and just let the rest take care of itself.