A New Baby

Ella Grace was born on August 9. We are so grateful to be apart of Brian and Emily's happy event in welcoming Ella to this earth experience. They are an independent and intimate little family that just take care of themselves very well.  Though I was invited to be at the birth, this little girl came at the very beginning of our family trip to Lake Powell. There was no way to get a message that she was in labor and I didn't even find out about the birth until Ella was 12+ hours old.

Debbie and I were a team. she is the best aunt I know

 I was so disappointed and started to recognize little hints that I could have read as signs that the baby would come soon.  I fought feelings of being left out, feelings of jealous, even doubting my worth.  I cried.  I wanted to yell and scream and throw a fit and blame someone, anyone. I had missed what I wanted to be a part of and there was nothing I could do about it and no way to reasonable get there.

 I had to put on a happy face and CHOOSE to be okay with the situation. There was nothing I could to do change it.  We finished our vacation. Ella had some oxygen and jaundice issues that had to be resolved which required a longer stay for her in the hospital. There was really nothing for me to do to help or be a part of.  Being the third wheel, the outsider, the grandparent is not always easy and so I tried to jump in and run errands, bring food and savor the big hug my sweet daughter (that brand new momma) gave me when I first saw her at the hospital.

 Several more days of waiting and hoping and praying and finally Ella was able to come home.  Brian and Emily were so excited and grateful to get her home and be their own little family. They are sweet and tender and content to run everything around that little angel. I am so grateful to see their joy and love bubble right up and over flowing. I got to share that time with the other grandma and make a meal for them.

 Then they excused us all, claimed their time and sent me off.  I started the regrets again. I should have seized more of the moments. Not shared so much of the holding time. Counted little fingers and toes and noticed the details. I did get to take some fun pictures for which I am so grateful.

 Being a mom has got to be the hardest, most wonderful job in the world.  There are some incredible joys, vistas on the journey as well as some storms and just plan dreary times.  This whole parenting thing is so worth it but it just does not get any easier. In fact in many ways it gets harder.

Family home evening and singing "I Have a Family Here on Earth"

 Parenting adults is so tricky. I want to honor the independence of my children. I celebrate the good choices there are making. I am so proud of them and grateful for them.  I just don't know where and if I fit in.  I don't know what I can and cannot say. I feel like I have to be so careful sometimes in sharing my opinions. I make big mistakes. I get too involved. I leave them alone too much. I am over sensitive and let my feelings get hurt even when no one meant to hurt me.

A quick visit from Elise and her kids. They have been so excited to meet Ella.

I wish there were a few more instructions that we could all read.  How to communicate with adult family members. How to be a friend and family at the same time. How to teach others that moms have feelings too. How to create traditions and family memories without expectations that might hurt feelings or cause regret. How to make sure those traditions are blessing the family and not wearing any of us out. How to read signals that say I need you more and please back off (I'll let you know when I want you back).  How to have hard conversations. How to forgive completely and move forward. How to get real forgiveness. How to not let others negative opinions or issues get stuck in your brain and heart.

Sometimes I think it is just too hard to figure out and then I remember that I am a daughter of God. I have worth. I have gifts and talents that bless others. I learn from others. Family is God's plan of happiness and with His help I can regularly feel his love and enjoy happiness now! - in the journey, in the moment. Maybe be happy in every moment with the help of grace.

Yesterday was a red letter day. Dane reported on his mission to Orlando, Florida.  He served valiantly, shared the gospel of Jesus Christ and has grown into a fine man who is confident, capable and moving on to his next chapter of life.  He is my fifth child to move on to adulthood. I don't think it is getting any easier but it is all part of the plan.  I will trust my Heavenly Father. I will seek the help of my Savior. I will strengthen my communication with the Holy Ghost and I will enjoy this thing called parenthood.  I will continue to learn by trying, making mistakes, counting them as lessons, recognizing the little miracles along the way and simply trust that God has a plan for me and that I am making progress every day.

I forgot to take any pictures at all of that beautiful day. We had support of family and friends. We had a nice dinner in the back yard with lots of visiting. We even had a family here that knew Dane in Florida.  I hope I can learn from this mistake of no photos and get back to taking pictures. They are an amazing and beautiful way to remember the people and feelings of the day.  I love Dane and am so proud of him and all that he is and is becoming.  I pray that I will just keep getting better at this parenting thing and maybe someday my children will rise up and call me blessed.  I want to be a blessing in their lives.

Thank you to Lauri for this picture. What a great group of men!

Mike, Matt, Garrett, Cameron, Kenneth, Dane, Mark

Alma 17:1-3
 1 And now it came to pass that as Alma was journeying from the land of Gideon southward, away to the land of Manti, behold, to his astonishment, he met with the sons of Mosiah journeying towards the land of Zarahemla.

 2 Now these sons of Mosiah were with Alma at the time the angel first appeared unto him; therefore Alma did rejoice exceedingly to see his brethren; and what added more to his joy, they were still his brethren in the Lord; yea, and they had waxed strong in the knowledge of the truth; for they were men of a sound understanding and they had searched the scriptures diligently, that they might know the word of God.

 3 But this is not all; they had given themselves to much prayer, and fasting; therefore they had the spirit of prophecy, and the spirit of revelation, and when they taught, they taught with power and authority of God