Am I fat?

You may have noticed I have been a bit obsessed with weight lately.  I have gained 35 or so pounds in the last year and it has sent me for a loop.  I have never gained weight this easily or tried to hard to lose weight. I have tried programs, plans, foods...  I have exercised daily and tried lots of different forms and measured their worth by making sure I sweat and I had sour muscles.  The results have been a continual weight increase.  I noticed the way body parts rubbed more or couldn't come together like they use to. I couldn't even put boots on the same way because there was this belly in the way.  I felt discouraged, betrayed, confused.  I asked God for help to fix my body. I asked for understanding to know if there was some purpose in what was happening.  I tried to notice everything I could about what was different and also to see others in a more positive light realizing that it was not their size that I admired or loved about them but who they are in the inside.  I hoped I was learning the lessons quickly so I could heal and go back to the size I was year ago.

Halloween costumes.  I was dressed as my husband and did not feel feminine or the size I thought I should be.

Well I am getting answers.  Not the ones I thought I would.  Am I fat? a bit, but so what?  Maybe I am bigger than I have ever been.  Maybe things don't fit the way they used to. Maybe that pile of clothes in my closet that doesn't fit just keeps getting taller.  So what?  I have been able to get new clothes that do fit.  I am still functioning and living a full life.  I am still taking care of my family, serving in my calling, making and keeping friends, having fun, celebrating life.

I am learning a new way of thinking.  I am finding out that my thoughts determine my actions and my results. I am learning that those results don't always look the same as I thought they would, but so what?

I am participating in a bootcamp with Stephanie Webb of Eat Happy Nutrition and I am learning about trusting my body, listening to my intuition, forgiving myself and trusting that it will all work out.  It is so freeing to me to give myself permission to learn through trial and error.  To eat what I want when I want and then make a decision on if I like how I feel afterwards.  My body can teach me what it needs and likes to feel good and serve me!

I am learning to appreciate where I have been, how well my body has served me for 52 years and the amazing things that it has allowed me to do.  It is miraculous.  Sister Marjorie Hinckley is quoted as saying.  The 50s are my favorite years. I am past the comparing and can just enjoy life.  I want to be 50 in the eternities!  I realize that our modern world keeps trying to avoiding aging like it is somehow wrong and something we have to battle daily.  I don't want to battle with myself.  I don't want to work on my abs... I want to work with them.  Each and every part of me is a part of ME that makes me who I am.  I am so grateful to be me.  May God forgive me for the bad things I have said to and about myself.  May he please know that I am so grateful for this body, this life, and the many experiences he allows me to have with lessons all along the way.

So now I am letting go of guilt, expectations, judgments and just seeking to enjoy the journey of life and to love myself and others right where we are.  The rest can take care of itself. Worrying won't help.  Love is where their is real power and joy.

Here I share some of the resources that are helping me with my new view :)
 - Healing = Courage + Action + Grace
 - Line Upon Line, Uncovering our True Selves
 - Body Positivity or Body Obsession