feeling overwhelmed, less than

Yes it happened again.  When I get a big calling I really try to do my best. I read the handbook. I reach out and surround myself with amazing and strong women. Then I start to doubt myself.  Am I doing enough? What am I missing?  Can I just back off for a while? Can't we simplify? do less?

I am the young women's president. I have been for 1 year now.  We just finished a successful week of girls camp and everyone seemed to feel loved and had a good time. The leadership was so good and the young women themselves were cheerful, helpful, participating and fun. We did some fun activities that really brought the girls to think about others.  My favorite was the secret sisters.  We finally decided that secret sisters could be simply drawing a different person each day and writing them a nice note.  It taught all of us to look for the good in others and it was so powerful to receive a nice note each day.

I came home grateful for the experience but I felt that I had distanced myself from the others.  Maybe I was a little "wowed" by their greatness.  I don't know but once home I jumped into family business and had to miss YW's on Sunday as well as the activity on Wednesday.  I felt even more the outsider.  I really don't want to have to micromanage everything. I have complete trust that things went just fine.  The problem was the nightmares I started to have.  I try to sleep and feel that I have forgotten events and people, especially young women and their activities and responsibilities.  Night after night I wake up in the middle of the night wanting to cry, not knowing what to do to fix things, feeling overwhelmed.  By morning I can't remember what was so important.  It seems we are fine and then nights are hard.

Well finally this Saturday I was feeling teary and desperate for help.  I finally took off to the temple to do initiatory work.  I cried in the dressing room hoping I wouldn't be heard. I cried during the ordinances. I cried when I was changing again but then it was a grateful cry.  Some beautiful things began to happen and I listened to the words and promises that were shared.  I went home determined to fast and pray for help.  That night I still had the same nightmare. I continued praying and fasting.  I shared my confusion with my presidency. They were sweet and want to lighten my load but really they already do so much.

I continued to prepare my lesson, attend ward council, gather my family for church with my husband out of town again.  Ike got called to the teachers quorum presidency. We walk into church and I say hello to the people in the foyer, one of which is a member of the stake presidency.  He pulls me into a room and asks me to speak in stake conference in 2 weeks.  I did not fall apart. I said I would speak and went to sacrament meeting. I continued to feel calm but surprised.  I definitely do not understand the Lords way of answering my prayers.  What I thought would be best was to release me from my calling or something that would lighten the load.  Instead Heavenly Father said you are doing fine and to show you I think I'll give you another assignment.  His ways are not my ways but I definitely would like my ways to become more in line with his ways.  I want to trust him more, lean on him more, do everything I can knowing that he will make up the difference.  Now I am studying the gospel and learning more areas that I can improve. I am preparing to speak for just 5-7 minutes but the blessings I receive as I prepare will be wonderful.  I am being tutored by my Savior in the way His church works and how we can all help one another.  We each have our own gifts and ability and he is willing to work with us to further His work.  I would love time to do my own things but I will trust that for now a busy calling, a busy family, a talk to prepare are important and what I need.

Sunday night = no nightmare

Grateful:
691 Heavenly Father hears and answers my prayers
692 I don't always understand the how or the why but I can learn what I need to do for my next step
693 Its zucchini season and smoothie season
694 I picked fresh raspberries for breakfast
695 visiting teaching 2/3s done