accused

Yestesday was rough.  I am learning that it is about perspective.

I received a phone call from a friend who was very angry. She lit into me telling me what a horrible son I had, how dumb and mean all the boys in our town are, how her son was hard working, decent and treated unfairly.

I just listened. She cried. I said I was sorry. I couldn't hold back tears either.  I am super uncomfortable with conflict.  This felt like a direct attack and I didn't know what to do about it.  I have learned to be quiet. Let them have their say and then just give it time.

Unfortunately, though I had serious doubts about her accusations I was hurt and cried a lot.  That tends to upset my family.  By the time this sweet son got home he could tell I was very sad.  As I told him about the call I had received his eyes teared up and with them rolling down his cheek he said I wish I knew what I did wrong.

So here is the story.

The mom tells me that her son, who never gets invited anywhere and just earn money to buy a nice bike so he could be "in", saw my son and his friends.  He headed over to join them, crashed. My son came to him and said, "wow, that was cool" and then started to make fun of him.  All those other boys also came over and made fun of him. Teased him for wearing boots and jeans and a knife on his belt.  Left him to limp home hurt and alone, again.  She was now putting him back together physically and emotionally. She told me my son and my daughter were not nice people. (my daughter was not there).

As I talked to Simeon, his understanding was very different.  They were out biking. They saw this friend and they all headed towards each other.  When the friend crashed they did go over to him. They did say cool. (That is what they do. They compliment the wipe out, they laugh with the boy, it is much more comfortable than coddling and often if they can laugh through the pain they all feel better about mistakes and trying again.).  Sim invited the boy to come riding with them.  He just left the other direction and went home.  None of the boys had any idea that this friend was offended or hurt or sad.

Now what?

We prayed. We gathered up all the other boys and headed to this friend's house.  He welcomed us in.  I could see no visible injuries (which might be why the boys just asked him to join them rather than escorting him home).  We asked the friend to speak first and share what he experienced.  It was nothing as bad as the mom had described.  They boys talked, laughed, shared some of their embarrassing wipe outs. Admitted that they had all ridden in boots and jeans and the danger of having a knife on your belt from first hand experience.

The fact of the matter is that this mom is feeling lonely. The boys are not leaving her son out on purpose. They don't even get together very often. He is free to call them as well. Unfortunately she wouldn't see that the way the boys handled his wreck was actually a very inclusive 'you're one of us' way of dealing with it.  It was a way to help a guy save face.

It occurred to me last night as we were headed to bed that this poor mom is like an injured animal that is hurting and is quick to lash out, to assume that others are out to get her and her family.  It hurt me a lot but I can't really be mad at her.  I got to be her landing spot, her safe place to vent.  Hopefully it helped.

One day she will be ready to learn that these are all good boys.  She will learn that they are not given special privilege because of their name. They had to earn their own bikes too. They work and study and struggle. Someday when she learns some of the very real and difficult challenges these boys are working through with other friends, she might be very grateful that her boy is just lonely and not cutting himself or suicidal.

Someday.

We all have so much we are dealing with.  It is not a competition to see whose life is hardest. We each have our own tailor made life education. It is part of building relationships, building character, practicing courage and kindness. It is especially a chance to repent and to forgive.  We get to learn to love and trust by trial and error. We get hurt. We learn to see the good in every situation (or we just learn that God can find the good, create the good, use it all for our good and his glory)  It would be well to remember that we are all hurting and to just be patient when someone needs to let off some steam.  Somehow I will learn not to take it personally.  Already I am forgiving. I realize that truth wins.  Even if my son had done something wrong, we could learn from it.  This time he did right, very right.  I am so very proud of his tender heart and his courage to move forward in the face of wrongful accusations and try to make things better.

We just don't know what is going on with anyone else.  We don't know what silent battles they are fighting.  Just the other day as I found myself loosing patience with my daughter I found this little reminder that she is a sweet, kind, little girl who is just figuring out the growing up thing. She leaves evidence everywhere of her desire to be happy and bring joy to others. Seek and ye shall find.

What matters in life is not what happens to you but what you remember and how you remember it. I choose to remember that a friend was hurting and we became more aware and were able to be there to help them when they were falling, a safe place to land those punches. Then we can all heal and move forward. This is me. This is us. We are doing the best we know how and we will trust that you are too.

Today I added names to the prayer roll at the temple and added my own additional prayer.  Then I found this article very comforting.  May I Pray for You?