1 year

The days surrounding today and today have been surprisingly challenging.  It was one year ago today that I almost got to go Home to my Father above. I have been super emotional.  I sob and cry and have to fight for positive thoughts.  My thought go to wondering about my value, if I still need to be on this earth, if I am doing anything right. A big part of it has to do with the consistent weight gain.  I have always been at least 10 pounds lighter. I have gained 35 pounds in less than a year. When I went to the doctor concerned, she simply said its part of getting older and tons (pun possibly intended) of women come in every week with weight concerns.  They did tests and said I am healthy - no low iron or unhappy thyroid.  She told me I need to exercise more and count calories and learn to be content. I am sure there is some truth in that but what I hear is 'your are lazy and glutinous'.  I have been eating well and exercising nearly daily. I have participated this year in several "clean up your health" programs that everyone else lost weight in.  I exercise enough to sweat and be sore and yet I am consistently gaining weight.  To me it feels like my body is betraying me and out of control.  I imagine gaining 35 pounds every year and think that 3 years and 100 lbs more surely can't be the right thing for anyone.  They did say that my Vitamin D is low.  I am researching and making plans to help that but I am discouraged.

It is sad to say I don't really want to be here. I look around and I have a beautiful family and a good life. I feel ungrateful allowing these feelings feelings to become my thoughts.  I try to justify but saying I love my life but I am tired and don't see a lot of reason to sit around and get old and fat.  I look at people my age and older and I admire those that are enjoying life and finding meaning.

I have seen some struggles in my family. Yes I was here this year for two new babies and a wedding for which I am grateful.  I am also here for some major challenges with extended family, friends and one of my children.  I think about if I was asked to be here just with the hope that I can help him through this then I probably said, "Of course I'll do everything I can".

I also have those other reminders that say those negative thoughts are the adversary.  Don't let him win.  I feel like my challenges are nothing compared to what others endure, survive and win.  The fact is my pain is real and it hurts and the lessons are university level for me.  And I only did junior college.

So today I went to the temple.  Its something I usually do on Tuesdays.  I didn't really want to be there and almost backed out.  As I went past the main desk the nice man there said, "It will be okay". I had said a quick prayer as I entered the foyer that I might in this sacred place be protected from the negative thoughts.  When he volunteered these words.  I cried.  I made it to the coat room and the tears came.  I dried them off and entered the dressing room, bee lined for a locker and tried to keep my sobs sounding more like I was out of breath.  It is ridiculous how we feel the need to hide our feelings and deceive others but I was trying hard.  I fought for composure, loaded up my pockets with tissues and determined to keep moving forward. One foot in front of another. I felt like they were rushing me so I ended up having time in the chapel which I did not want.  I was grateful not to see anyone I knew.  I grabbed the Bible and it opened to Psalms 138

1 I will praise thee with my whole heart: before the gods will I sing praise unto thee.

2 I will worship toward thy holy temple, and praise thy name for thy lovingkindness and for thy truth: for thou hast magnified thy word above all thy name.

3 In the day when I cried thou answeredst me, and strengthenedst me with strength in my soul.

(and here he was, answering me with words I could read!)

 6 Though the Lord be high, yet hath he respect unto the lowly: but the proud he knoweth afar off.

(and I prayed asking my Father to help me not be prideful. Maybe pride is where my body issues begin. . . and selfishness, and judging)

7 Though I walk in the midst of trouble, thou wilt revive me: thou shalt stretch forth thine hand against the wrath of mine enemies, and thy right hand shall save me.

8 The Lord will perfect that which concerneth me: thy mercy, O Lord, endureth for ever: forsake not the works of thine own hands.

These words brought tears and comfort.  I want to praise Him. I want to see the good in life - my life and others.  I want to truly worship in his holy temple and I want to see the loving kindness.  He will help revive me from this awful place I keep falling back to and somehow with his grace he will perfect me.

Of course I took comfort and then the other thoughts kept surfacing.  I have been repeating some positive statements, affirmations, in hopes they would overpower the negative but my loving Father sent to my mind a whole song.

I Know the Savior Loves Me

1. A long time ago in a beautiful place,

Children were gathered ’round Jesus.

He blessed and taught as they felt of His love.

Each saw the tears on His face.

The love that He felt for His little ones

I know He feels for me.

I did not touch Him or sit on His knee,

Yet, Jesus is real to me.

2. Now I am here in a beautiful place,

Learning the teachings of Jesus.

Parents and teachers will help guide the way,

Lighting my path ev’ry day.

Wrapped in the arms of my Savior’s love,

I feel His gentle touch.

Living each day, I will follow His way,

Home to my Father above.

I know He lives!

I will follow faithfully.

My heart I give to Him.

I know that my Savior loves me.

I know that my Savior loves me.

I thoroughly enjoyed having these words and this tune fill my head taking all the space for thinking and bringing me joy again. I am trying to make these moments last longer because really it is up to me to let things change for the better. Once I was home I wanted to just stay in my room and escape with a movie, a nap, whatever.  My sweet Elise remembered what happened a year ago today and has wanted to celebrate my "life day".  She came over for lunch and stayed and visited.  I don't think she knows how hard and yet how good it was to have a reason to get up and be with someone.

This evening I got to have some time of my own once dinner was over and I remembered that great song so I headed to the piano to play it, read the words and seek to understand the special message my Savior sent to me.  I could hardly see the notes for the tears.  My sweet Simeon came in, saw me crying as I played and he sang the words for me.  It was another tender mercy to have him not judge or question but simply support and love me.  I am so very blessed and I refuse to forget the many ways my Savior shows me he loves me. I love him!  I know who I am. I know God's plan. I follow him in faith! And sometimes it takes a bit of exercising that faith to get it strong enough to keep me going but I really am never alone.  There are angels seen and unseen helping me, teaching me, bearing me up when I feel so weak.

My dear friend Shelly posted this on Facebook.  I have to admit when you are able to friend great people, even Facebook can be inspiring.  I will continue to fight the good fight, do my part and count on being on the winning team.  I sure appreciate the analogy that it is in our darkness that Christ's light is so bright and welcome.  If I didn't sometimes have to go through the dark I may not recognize the real light. My source to truth. My powerful partner. My friend.