I watched a movie. It was about a soldier's widow and her finding love again. It has me thinking about death and change.  I remember thinking of someone who has lost a loved one that at a year they really ought to move on.  I don't know why we think we understand what others are going through and what they should do. I am learning time and again that my efforts to understand actually do fall short.  I don't get what someone else is feeling but I do have feelings. My feelings are real and so are theirs.  I think feeling and emotion are blessings that help us relate and connect with others.  It is probably the adversary that says "no one understands what I am going through".  I guess that lie is good because it is laced with truths that we feel too.  I don't think we have to know exactly what someone is feeling to be able to be of help to them or to "bear one another's burdens".  I know that just knowing that someone cares lifts me a lot.  Just having a chance to think out loud or share a hug or feel like you are helping them in some way can really help that need to belong.

So my thoughts and feelings don't even make sense to me but they are still there and still real.  This month will be one year since my accident.  I am almost sad that a year has past already and so quickly. I don't know why but I think I had hopes of something different by now.  I recognize that I have been richly blessed.  I am doing well.  But I'm different in very subtle ways that I don't know how to explain.  I think as I get further away from those changes I have less excuse, less reason to hold on to these feelings.  Feelings that are illusive and confusing and maybe not grounded in anything. Maybe I thought things would be better, that I would be better.  Has my small taste of the refiners fire refined me?  Do I have to be all better now?  If I'm not, does this have to be the new normal? For some crazy reason I felt safer being fragile.  I felt like less was expected of me.  I could be kinder in my expectations.  Now I should be strong. Now I should be ready to move forward, have big goals, finish my projects, have my body figured out. I don't feel like I should go to my room in the middle of the afternoon and spend a few hours alone, reading, watching a movie, taking a nap.  I should be productive. I have been getting by, doing just enough. I should want to do more and as I reach the one year mark I lose my good reason.  My weakness has become comfortable.  Now I need to move on and I don't know how or if I want to.   I like having an excuse to be tired, forgetful, simple.

Its not my body or my injury telling me what I can or can not do.  I need to take responsibility for my choices and what I do each day.  Its a big grown up step for me and I'm a little worried about my ability to do it right. Sometimes I wonder why I'm still here.  There have been challenges come up with my family and a thought whispers to me that even though heaven would be nice and here is really hard that I would, and maybe did, choose to stay in the hope that I could be of help to those I love.

On my mouse pad I have this thought "Your value is not defined by your achievements. Your value is defined by the one who said, "It is finished!" and who achieved it all."  Apparently Jesus is okay with my still being here and my efforts to bring value to other peoples lives.  He tells me I have value. I am enough.  With his help I will keep on trying. With Him as my partner he can fill in the gaps, make the difference, use this small and simple me.  Here's to the next year of this old new me.  May my thoughts always include "His grace is sufficient".