not quite right

Sometimes struggling with seeing the good leads to excuses.  Perfectionism gets in the way.  I'm going to find a notebook and just start writing.  I'm not going to worry about some great fhe lesson to inspire the rest of the family to join me.  I'm through worrying about a cute numbered list to put it on.  For now I need to work on me.

When the count down is on.  When there are too many events all together, one after another.  When the little things like a hose left running set me off.  That is when I know that I need to look for some good.  I'm going to start with real

I am thankful -
1.  the sun is shining (and we can keep praying for rain)
2.  not all the balloons popped
3.  the cupcakes that spilled over in the oven and then had lumpy frosting are still sprinkled and making my birthday girl happy
4.  I didn't have to blow up all the balloons myself.
5.  6 yo's don't care how clean my house is.
6.  When I threw a fit and threw the foot stool with a grunt of frustration out the garage door only to find I had been witnessed by a neighbor bringing her mother's tithing - I smiled and acted like it was normal.
7.  We are hosting a birthday party today and celebrating the sweetest little daughter.
8.  You don't need eyelashes to smile.
9. onery moments don't last
10.  tears always bring hugs from my little ones.

I am hopeful that the lecturing tone of "Count Your Many Blessings" that is repeating in my head still has a message I need to humbly accept.

live fully! or empty?

I am excited to take this a little more seriously.  I need to live more fully, to experience joy and I already feel happy just in anticipation of seeing the goodness of God all around me.  (quotes are all from One Thousand Gifts)

To fully live--to live full of grace and joy and all that is beauty eternal.

That is the goal, my goal. to have more grace, more joy, more of recognizing the eternal beauty.  I continue reading. Ann of Holy Experience and 1000 Gifts teaches me in the original Greek, he gives thanks reads eucharisteo in speaking of Christ in Luke 22:19.

 The root word of eucharisteo is charis, meaning "grace."  Jesus took the bread and saw it as grace and gave thanks.  He took the bread and knew it to be gift and gave thanks.                  But there is more, and I read it.  Eucharisteo, thanksgiving, envelopes the Greek word for grace, charis.  But it also holds its derivative, the Greek word chara, meaning "joy."  Joy.  Ah. . . yes.  I might be needing me some of that.

As long as thanks is possible, then joy is always possible.

Always. Always.  To feel joy is up to me.  When I give thanks I will feel joy.

Eucharisteo--thanksgiving--always precedes the miracle.

 Thanksgiving is the evidence of our acceptance of whatever He gives.  Thanksgiving is the manifestation of our Yes! to His grace.

Giving thanks is exercising faith.

Joy is the realest reality, the fullest life, and joy is always given, never grasped.  God gives gifts and I give thanks and I unwrap the gift given: joy.

 The real problem of life is never a lack of time.  The real problem of life--in my life-- is lack of thanksgiving.  Thanksgiving creates abundance' and the miracle of multiplying happens when I give thanks--take the just one loaf, say it is enough, and give thanks--and He miraculously makes it more than enough. 

So these thoughts and quotes swim in my mind and I desire contentment and an ability to truly see and give thanks to my loving Heavenly Father.  He gives me all I need.  


I'm looking for a list, a way to number the gifts I see and to invite my family to join me in listing the graces, the miracles, the simplest things each day until we reach 1000 also and maybe it will become a habit--to list the good and feel the joy.


I headed outside to find a few things that I am grateful for.  It was so easy!

 and my Tall One preparing a talk for sacrament meeting.  . . Where we come to the table of thanksgiving and receive grace, nourishment, and fellowship.  Another one for the list!

Chocolate also shared some resources and ideas on Joy.

PS  Preparing my Young Women's lesson on prayer and found this quote in a talk by Elder Richard G. Scott.   Grateful again for the many resources and testimonies he places before me.

I have saved the most important part about prayer until the end. It isgratitude! Our sincere efforts to thank our beloved Father generate wondrous feelings of peace, self-worth, and love. No matter how challenging our circumstances, honest appreciation fills our mind to overflowing with gratitude.

Our works, pitty party

So I find myself having another pitty party.  They come too often or in 3's or something but nonetheless they are not fun.  Sometimes when I start some grand idea, some do good thing I feel inspired to take on, I feel like I will be blessed to carry the burdens that might come with the plan.  I feel like I have tools to use.  I feel like I have things I will learn.  Eventually, like all good stories, things come to a climax where the hero is tested.  I don't like being tested.  I don't like getting to that point where I question my sanity and my ability to continue on.  I don't think of myself as a hero.

As I question my sanity I wonder if I am strong enough.  I wonder why I want to hide in my room and spend time mindlessly watching tv.  I wonder why I have hormones that challenge my resolve to be cheerful and loving, exercise my patience, cause me to doubt.  When life gets heavy I am going to remember from whence my strength cometh.

I am not alone.  I have good people all around me but mostly I have a loving Heavenly Father.  This scripture

"But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words."

—Alma 32:27, Book of Mormon

I can't sleep through the hard parts (tempting) but I can awake.  Faculties - an ability; power of the mind; inherent capability of the body; an entire teaching/administrative force of a university.  To arouse my faculties could be to prepare myself to accept the word of God.  I can humble myself or be humbled.  I can work on having eyes that see and ears that hear.  I can allow the facutlies (the teaching body of me) to teach my soul.  I can experiment on His words.  I know we are going to have tests.  I know that we are given promises that I can hold on to.  I know that when I stay on his path, we all win.  The trick is to seek his guidance and then trust in his answers, his plan.  So even if I just have a desire to believe I will see the blessings, the tender mercies in my life.  I will be strengthened.

In Ecclesiastes we are are told

22 Wherefore I perceive that there is nothing better, than that a man should rejoice in his own ^aworks; for that is his portion: for who shall bring him to see what shall be after him?

This life, this family is my works and my work.  I need to rejoice in my own works.  I need to enjoy the journey, recognize the progress, and be grateful.  I can't worry about tomorrow.  I just need to do my best today and REJOICE in the labour and the works.  


I have been flirting with the ideas found in One Thousand Gifts from Holy Experience.  I'll share more about eucharisteo and the plan I am forming to bring joy to my day, each day.  Surely rejoicing in our works, arousing our falculties, planting a desire to believe all come as we recognize a loving father's hand in all things.    Gratitude, thanksgiving show me how to do those very things.

  I recently got caught up in the hope of soccer camp.  We went to a one day free clinic.  It was to introduce a week long camp this summer for under $200.  I was so tempted.  Everyone else was walking away with their t-shirts and dreams of young soccer stars.  I wanted to be a good parent.  I wanted to provide opportunities for my children.  Surely I could get all three in.  . .  In our marriage we are free to make financial decisions if we need to but I prefer to think it over and discuss with my husband.  We decided we could not afford it.  We live a modest lifestyle on one income.  (All the other mom's had 2 incomes and less children.)

At first I felt bad.  Then I remembered.  We have different priorities in our family and most of them do not require money, experts, and time away from family.  I choose not to spend my time organizing the schedule and shuttling children to various activities, lessons, and games.  We carefully choose what we will be a part of and we trust that we don't have to do everything.  I have seen it work out well.  We are able to teach team work at home and an occasional soccer rec. season.  We teach work ethic, kindness, responsibility -with a garden, household chores, and animals to care for. They learn to entertain themselves and play with each other.  I cherish the time I have at home.  My worth at home is greater than my monetary earning capability.

Trusting that a way will be provided for those most important lessons, we will do the best we can with what we have and enjoy the moment.

We will spending time getting to know one another.

I will work on being present and not wishing for things we don't have and simply do not need.

But when we accept and enjoy the season of life we're in, we learn that the time we have in life is plentiful.  God places each day before us as nothing short of a miracle, if we live with the eyes open to see it.  (Mindset for Moms: From Mundane to Marvelous by Jamie C. Martin)

Married for 28 years!

scanned a picture and don't yet know how to find an crop it

That title makes me sound old but I sure don't feel old.  I married at 19 and am not sorry. at. all.  I do feel that family is the most important thing we do on this earth.  The time spent building my family is the very best investment in life.

As we celebrated a simple life together that has not had great temporal expectations, we enjoyed visiting quietly at a park while eating our take out taco salad.  I loved the simplicity.  We don't worry too much about gifts, elaborate/expensive getaways.  We simply spent a couple of uninterrupted hours together just talking and eating and being close.  There is something beautiful about having spent so many years together that you are comfortable in that love.  It is real.  It is constant.  It is nurtured in small ways each day and it is dependable.  Our relationship is not built on the "what".  "what" we do, what we look like, what we have.  It has become deeper. It has become more the how or more appropriately the "be".  Who we are inside, how we treat others, our testimonies of Jesus Christ, our desire to raise up a righteous family, ease one another's burdens and find joy in the journey.

It was fun for me to think about our individual roles as husband and wife and how those things are also part of who we are--our being.  Mr. O. shares  about his business and the possibilities ahead.  He shares about the systems and channels, and mines and potential.  My mind travels to the family and what it would mean to pay things off.  He talks of a company growing and I wonder how that might help provide job opportunities for my missionaries coming home.  He talks about the extra work it might entail and I think about the garden and the yard and am grateful he is teaching our children to work.  I share my thoughts too and we both feel like we are communicating and moving in the right direction.  I realize that even as we share one discussion, our understanding leads us to those things that are our responsibility.  He is providing, protecting, and presiding.  I am nurturing - family, relationships, opportunities and future family.

We continue to learn our roles and seek to serve the Lord, to please him in all we do, and we see success.  Maybe it is not the success of the world but it is working for our family.  We look forward with hope for the future and sharing many, many more years together.

charity

How quickly I forget my good intentions.  One minute I have it all figured out, I'm working on having charity, real love, I think I'm moving forward and SLAP, my old self sneaks in and sabotages all my efforts and leaves me with a crumby attitude and no patience for any of it.  Maybe I'm bipolar, maybe some new drug could fix me so that I don't have to deal with the low moments in life.

I think it is Satan that sneaks in and twists our good intentions, our good thoughts, our good plans.  It takes more effort to chose to see the good.

It seems as though the good is always there it just takes some effort to recognize.  It takes effort to see a treasure that seemed hidden at first.  It is amazing to me that when we start looking, not only are they not hidden but there are more than we ever imagined.  There are things of beauty.  There are loving kindnesses.  There are people placed in our path to love and support us or give us a chance to serve and learn to love, or both.  All the world testifies of God and his glory.  It is me that sometimes does not look.  Having eyes, I just don't see.  I want to see more.  You find what you are looking for.  I want to find the good, see the good, feel the good and be a source of good.

I want to love much!

Repentance

It is elusive.  It is confusing.  Repentance is something we all need to do.  There are the usual steps of recognize, remorse, repair, recommit.  Sometimes I forget that it is for more than just the big sins that require repentance.  Repentance is a process, a constant need.

The old Hebrew word was "shube" meaning to turn back.  We don't need to be punished for a certain amount of time to repent.  We just need to turn back, turn back to God.  Follow him.  Allow our turning back to turn our actions and our hearts to him.  It is when we forget the first great commandment that we find we need to repent. It needs to be a daily progress, always turning towards God, putting him first.  It sounds so easy but I am distracted so easily.  It seems to be part of the process of growth that must happen daily.

It takes time and patience.  When we make a mistake, when we sin it is as if we have injured our soul.  We must change something to stop injuring and then we must begin the healing process.  It requires cleaning the wound, proper bandaging, changing some habits to give the soul time to heal, protecting the weak spot so that it can be made strong and good.  Sometimes it requires an expert to properly clean, set, or even perform surgery.  It may hurt - a lot but it is moving in the right direction.  It may even require complete life style changes. It is a renewing of our covenant.

If we were to touch something hot, repent, give the burn time to heal and then touch it again then we are not repenting.  We are not turning away from the bad - turning back to the good.  We can't expect to continue to touch the hot stove and have the burn heal better and stronger.  We have to stop it.  His arm is stretched out always, bidding us come unto him but we need to turn to him with full purpose.  Leave behind the poor choices and be taught a better way.

One thing we should remember is that the Lord does not punish us for our sins. He simply withholds his blessings and we punish ourselves.   Elder Theodore Burton

I will continue to make mistakes but hopefully not the same mistakes.  As I seek to follow my Savior's example I will see more areas I can improve. I can repent and turn to God in these areas too.  We are on the same team. He wants me to become perfect (complete) even as he is and because of the atonement, I can.  He already knows I am weak but he also sees the potential, the purpose for which I am created.  I am not perfect today but I can make every effort to be better.

I am excited to realize that while part of repenting is paying for our sins, Christ has already paid for them.  He has bought me with a price.  He also provided a way for me to say thank you.

 And behold, I tell you these things that ye may learn wisdom; that ye may learn that when ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God. [Mosiah 2: 17]

Then shall the King say unto them on his right hand, Come, ye blessed of my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world:

For I was an hungred, and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me in:

Naked, and ye clothed me: I was sick, and ye visited me: I was in prison, and ye came unto me.

Then shall the righteous answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, and fed thee? or thirsty, and gave thee drink?

When saw we thee a stranger, and took thee

in? or naked, and clothed thee?

Or when saw we thee sick, or in prison, and

came unto thee?

And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me. Matt 25: 34-40

I can help him, say thank you, express true gratitude by serving others.  Being willing to give of myself.  This too, is part of the healing process.  The more I serve others the more my own sins and imperfections are able to fade in my mind and I am promised joy.  I am not racked with the torment that Alma felt when he realized the mess he was in.

 29 My soul hath been ^aredeemed from the gall of bitterness and^bbonds of iniquity. I was in the darkest abyss; but now I behold the marvelous light of God. My soul was ^cracked with eternal torment; but I am snatched, and my soul is ^dpained no more.  Mosiah 27:29

Apparently true repentance brings joy, not sorrow.  It brings peace, not regret.  It is worth the process. It is worth the effort, the work, the time, the price of change.  It is not just for the big sins but is a gift of turn to God and letting him teach us in his way.