trying to understand

I’m thinking a lot about abuse and the abused, particularly sexual abuse, and that though I do not understand I firmly believe that Christ can heal all wounds and bring light to even the darkest corners of our lives.  I believe that Satan keeps too many victims in darkness with shame, doubt, and secrets. I have a friend that was abused by her father who held leadership positions in his church, pillar in the community. She is now happily married to a righteous and religious man who honors God and his priesthood and her. I have a friend that was abused as a girl and sought out sexual experiences as a mother trying to feel loved. I have a friend who was abused at a sleepover by her friends father only to have a renewed sense of guilt and anger to find that her daughter experienced the same thing. I have a friend that was abused by the neighbor boy, ended up with her father being accused and investigated for abuse. She has recently had those scars ripped open as she has found her young children acting out inappropriately and doesn’t trust her 6 year old to be alone with little girls. I have a young friend whose brother is in prison for abusing her. I hear of boys being exposed to pornography at younger and younger ages. They don’t know what to do with the new feelings that confuse them and twist their ability to respect and connect.  Little girls are confused by the sexualizing of the media. Things are only getting worse with so many more victims and plenty of them are now adults who continue to suffer from the past.

Satan is attacking the family. Intimacy and the ability to procreate with God is a major and necessary and joyful part of God’s plan.  Satan is successfully confusing so many people but God is still in this battle with us.  He can heal. He can protect. He can use our sorrow, our loss, our weakness to build strength. He is the one that planted that incredibly strong need in men for coitus for His purpose and glory.  Though I do not understand that incredible need, asking a man to not have that need is like asking me not to love and nurture and care for my family. Like asking a momma bear not to protect her young. It seems that when that driving force is properly felt, controlled and used it is a motivating force for men that enables them to do all the serving, honoring, protecting, and providing for women and children. When those feelings are turned to lust and self-gratification see find victims. If we, as women, can learn to honor their needs and to help them learn to honor God with their feelings then we will be part of the solution. We must do all we can to teach our sons and daughters God's plan and view of this gift.

This morning I asked in prayer “How can I better recognize the promptings of the Holy Ghost?”. I then let my scriptures fall open and I began reading in Alma 5:6 “Have ye sufficiently retained in remembrance…?” the many times the Lord has blessed you, answered your prayers, helped you when you were not worthy of help or even aware of his help?  v.10 “What is the cause of their being loosed from the bands of death, yea, and also the chains of hell?”  They heard and believed in the words of a prophet.  They chose faith not fear and a mighty change was wrought in their heart. v.13 “they humbled themselves and put their trust in the true and living God.”  What does putting trust in God look like? v14-15 give us the answers and then it continues on with probing questions that teach how to trust God, how to retain in remembrance, and how to move forward from our less than perfect past.

As a mom I have had children disappointed or sad about something and they say “I never get to do that.” or “You always say no.”   "I can't!" or “I’m too stupid.”  They cling to one experience or excuse and it becomes their companion and the more they say it the more they believe it and it becomes a very real excuse to use so they don’t have to move forward.  They have plenty of good experiences too. They are given evidence over and over again to the truth and yet they will cling to the lie or the old, or that time as a dear companion that they have become comfortable with and simply will not let go. The mind set is familiar and letting go requires going to unfamiliar territory, trusting God and themselves. The first step of faith can appear scary. Satan wants to keep us in the the comfort of darkness and shame. Those have become what we are familiar with so much so that we doubt the light.

I believe that we must shine the light that brings truth, understanding and freedom.  The light of Christ that says you are good and I have so much more in store for you. Please just let go of the burden you carry. He healed the sick, caused the blind to see and the lame to walk. Though you may feel paralyzed, stuck, branded, unclean, tortured it is not permanent.  For with God, nothing NOTHING is impossible.

Some of the sources I believe help with the healing process are:

Believing Christ by Stephen Robinson or PDF where we are taught about the atonement

Brad Wilcox on Grace because all is grace - the enabling power of the atonement.

David Clare because sometimes our understanding of priesthood  and where we fit in confuses us.

The Act of Marriage because sometimes we forget that sex is not dirty but God given and good and we can learn, understand, and speak of sex and still be righteous men and women of God.

Shrink Session with Erin Stutland because our bodies matter. We need to care for our body and with this workout we also improve the self talk.  I finish feeling happy and go back to the sayings throughout the day.

Alma 5 because sometime it helps to be reminded that others have been made clean again and we might need to remember God in our lives, the many tender mercies as evidence of His love, and we need to ask ourselves the probing questions listed here.

Fasting and prayer

Edifying one another
Elder Uchtdorf on Happily ever after with an animated twist because we are all princesses on our own journey.

As a wife and mother I must ask myself if I am quick to forgive myself and others? Am I doing all I can to nurture my husband as well as my children? Am I concerned for his feelings, his needs? Am I expressing gratitude to my Heavenly Father for the good men in my life, especially my husband?  A new concept that I am beginning to understand is “That which we appreciate - appreciates”. I’ll look for the good, celebrate the good, claim good, expect good and I will appreciate good in my life and seek it in those I love.  Seek and ye shall find!  I will find joy, peace and gladness.

I also believe that we need to want to talk about the hard subjects.  Keeping things in darkness just lets them grow, like mold.  Shining light, especially with Christ’s help allows real progress and healing. Stops the bad. Unites our efforts to strengthen good.  Nobody is alone. Nobody need fear when we shine the real light and face together the challenges of our day. We will come out victorious because we are on the winning side. There be more with us than against us.  Shining light will help us grow in confidence and see the many that are there needing our help and bringing strength.


If you believe I don't understand, you are probably right but I will continue to try to understand, to find answers and to work it out here in black and white in hopes that one day we might all see in amazing color the love of God and the refining process that each of us experiences. On that day may we see the beauty in one another and rejoice together for having had this life.

I asked a dear friend her thoughts on reading the above words and she found them hurtful and naive.  I tried to understand but I also felt like truth is truth. God really can heal all things. I don't believe that any situation is beyond the Saviors atonement. Then I was taught again.  As I let things rumble around inside I was reminded of a time when an apostle of the Lord visiting a newlywed couple in the hospital shared his experience.  The husband had been diagnosed with cancer and the prospects did not look good.  The apostle had come to give a blessing but felt to ask some questions first. He asked this young couple "Do you have faith not to be healed?" It was not what was expected and took some very serious soul searching to be able to say that they would still believe in Christ and his great power even if he chose not to heal them or answer their prayers in the way they wanted. It occurred to me that those who continue to struggle with very real reactions because of past experiences are still choosing faith. They have faith not to be healed. They have faith to endure the trials they are in while not understanding why or when.  Healing is a process and whether we have instant healing or are given a longer lasting experience, each person is being loved, honored, and helped by Jesus Christ. They are going through a refining or a pruning that will allow them to emerge even greater than before.  So as I search for answers and a quick fix I am realizing that each person is on their own path. I hope to be a companion on the journey. One that may not understand but still loves and is willing to hold their hand and move forward together.

If anyone can share ideas and resources to protect our children, heal the harm done and teach about the body, intimacy, respect and repentance then please share.

Ellen's Lasagna

This has become our go to for lasagna. Easy, real, and yummy

Brown
1 lb ground beef
Add
1 clove garlic
1 T basil
1 1/2 tsp salt
1-1 lb can tomatoes (blended)
simmer together for 20 minutes

Cook
8 lasagna noodles
according to package directions

in another bowl combine
2 eggs
3 cups cottage cheese
1/2 cup Parmesan cheese
2 T parsley
1 teas salt
1/2 teas pepper

Grate
1 lb mozzarella cheese

Layer in a 9x13 pan 2 T sauce mix on bottom of pan. Then half the noodles, half the cottage cheese mix, half the meat sauce, half the grated cheese. Repeat.  Bake in 375 for 35 minutes.  Can cover with foil while baking but the cheese might stick.

Grandpa's stay-cation

We have Grandpa here with us. He is staying for 10 days while his wife visits her son and his family. We rearranged and prepared and installed  and borrowed until we felt we had a safe place for him to be. We even brought over his lazy boy recliner to make it more like home.

Milt is explaining the wonders of the internet to his father.  They are having fun looking up past conference talks and other fun stuff on Facebook.  Grandpa is amazed at the technology. This same grandpa does not remember that we built our house next to his over 15 years ago. It is all a sense of wonder and discovery again and again.

 We took advantage of the opportunity and tried asking questions about the old days. He shared some fun things.  We enjoyed the story of when he was a missionary and they were teaching a family and he was trying to keep the little kid that climbed under his chair from distracting from the lesson.  The little cuss bit his finger and hard.  We all got a good laugh from that story.

 I told Grandpa that Isaac was a bit girl crazy.  To which Isaac agreed.  Grandpa suggested we shave Isaac's head to keep the girls away.

On Christmas Eve we enjoyed our Bethlehem dinner with him and then as we were winding down for the night we asked him to read "Twas the Night Before Christmas"  My book had some hard to read print unfortunately but he successfully moved forward and we recorded a delightful reading. We all thought he sounded a lot like President Monson.

Though Grandpa was sometimes disoriented he was a delight to have in our home.  He was always polite and grateful.  He thought everything we did was great. He joined us in scripture reading. He prayed with us. He listened intently to the kids and to their piano songs. He even helped us play the boom wackers.  I am very grateful for the time we had with him.  One family night he and Milt and Jay shared missionary stories and then we ended asking if he had a message for his grandkids. We recorded it and I would like to share it here if some one can teach me how to share a voice recording.

Marbles, sliding doors, and BRAVING

Brene Brown has always been a favorite of mine to listen to.  I remember her on a stage acting the part of a waitress at a diner and thinking she has an amazing way of using story to teach deep ideas. I recently stumbled on her talk, Anatomy of trust, and thoroughly enjoyed it. I realize that I want to be able to be vulnerable in a healthy way and I want to be worthy of trust.  I have always felt like truly connecting with people requires a give and take relationship. It is not that you keep score but more that you create a dance. You find a way to give and receive graciously. You give your best and you accept another's gift assuming that it is their best. It seems to me that trust is one of the gifts we give and receive. Click on the link above and let me know what you think, what you learn, and maybe what you want to change in your relationships.

I believe that my most important trust relationship is with Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ. As I learn to trust them it is so much easier to trust others.  The knowledge that comes from trying their trust and finding they are always there for me, they always take care of me, they always keep their word makes it so much easier to be vulnerable, to trust myself to follow my intuition, to receive inspiration. It becomes easier to put myself in their hands and move forward. All good comes from Christ.

Happy Tuesday

Days have been busy lately but not too busy. Each day has a few things to accomplish and a few things that I get to choose along the way. It is a good way for me to find balance. Tuesday has been Young Women's day.  We have our board meeting in the afternoon and the dear sisters I get to serve with willingly give that hour so that we can together be edified, trained, and organized.  I pray that the meetings feel worth the time.  There are times when I don't know what we need to cover or if we really need a meeting but every time we do it out of obedience to counsel given and things work out, topics of importance are covered and we women are able to connect and be on the same path heading the same direction.  It is amazing the comfort that comes because we sustain one another. Not only comfort but power to magnify our callings.

At 6 we went caroling with the YM and YW and delivered fruit baskets prepared by the Relief Society. It was very cold outside and we had arranged a hay wagon to sit on and pull us through town. Afterwards we had hot chocolate and donuts.

Isaac and I left before the caroling was done because we had an appointment with the patriarch.  Brother and Sister England were delightful to visit with.  They welcomed us into their home filled with peace and light and Christmas cheer. Isaac had his recommend for his patriarchal blessing for 2 months and had not made an appointment.  Monday night he called and by Tuesday night we were there.  He mentioned that he had put it off wanting to think more about the blessing in preparation but that when we said it's time to call and move forward he had realized that he was ready to have this experience. We began fasting at that moment  and by the next night had fasted more than 24 hours in seeking the spirit for this special night. Isaac wore the suit given him by his Grandpa Peterson and looked very much like a preparing missionary.  He humbly listened with intent as we visited and discussed patriarchal blessings. It has been fun lately to read him articles in the church magazines each mroning as he gets ready to leave for early morning drivers' Ed.  He listens with that same intensity that brings understand and creates a special learning opportunity.

My cough has been acting up again and gets rather insistent at times.  I thought I was ok but part way through the blessing my cough took over.  I had to leave the room and was rather distracting in my hacking in the other room.  I was a bit sad and embarrassed.  Sister England came to my aid with water and cough drops.  Milt said it was a bit distracting to the patriarch and he had to work hard to keep up his concentration.  Not only did I miss part of the experience but I made it harder for everyone. I felt bad but there remained a spirit of love and understanding.  I can't help but wonder why it happened but I also have this quiet thought that says God can make it all work for good.  Maybe the patriarch having to listen harder to the Spirit helped the blessing. Maybe as he reviews the written version, additional insights and thoughts will come to him. I will trust that God is in charge and the experiences we have as we are seeking to be obedient are exactly what we need at the time.  With God, nothing is impossible and he will ensure that Isaac receives the guidance and direction in his patriarchal blessing that will lead him to fulfill God's will for him.

I have an increased desire to live daily increasing my hope and faith. I want to get really good at recognizing and obeying the Holy Ghost.  To do that I need to repent daily and to forgive daily.  I need to study and ponder and seek learning.  I want to be better today than I was yesterday.  I like to think that  I can be just a little bit better because I am a little bit smarter in my choices and a little bit more worthy to receive charity, to allow charity to lead my actions. I am ready to begin my Happy Wednesday. Just another ordinary day with a few things to do and a lot of love to spread.

Rachel's Rolls

3 cups water
3/4 cups sugar
1/2 cup oil
1 Tb. and 1/2 ts. salt
9 cup flour
2 1/2 Tb. yeast

Combine in bosch adding flour until dough pulls away from sides. Knead until smooth but don't knead a long time like bread dough or they might be a little tough.

Let raise until double, if you have time. If not, just raise at least 20 mins.

Form into rolls, and place on greased pans. Let raise until double. Bake at 350 for 15-20 minutes, or until golden.  Makes 1 cookie tray.

It is definitely Rachel's recipe in our family but apparently she gives credit to Becky McKenzie. So thank you Becky for sharing the yumminess!

shepherd and sheep

I get to teach the young women in church today and our lesson is "How can I help my less-active friends return to church?" We are our brothers keeper. We do have the responsibility to look out for one another and love each other.  I have enjoyed studying the resources and preparing.  I have been reminded of the great blessings that come from being an active member of Christ's church. Active is a verb and there may seem to be much required but it comes with such huge blessings.

As it is Christmas time I wanted to tie in the season and my thoughts have gone to shepherds.  They were the first to receive the good news, first to see the babe lying in a manger and then they went out to spread the good news.  These same shepherds were the ones entrusted to watch over the lambs that would be used to sacrifice in the temple.  Christ is the good shepherd and we are each sheep of his fold.  He knows us by name. He would leave the 90 and 9 to come find us when we wander. He loves us and wants us safely in his fold where we can enjoy the blessings of his love and protection.

If we are sheep then we have the responsibility among the sheep to help each other. Sheep tend to follow one another. Am I following the shepherd so that those that follow me will be with him too? Am I loving the way he does - every single sheep? Am I offering encouragement? strength? help? direction?  Am I one that warns of a dangerous step? or helps someone that has fallen?  I don't think sheep are like chickens with a pecking order or need to establish their place in the flock.  I believe they easily welcome any who want to be there. Our Savior invites us to come follow him. We can help him by following him and his example.  We can invite others to him and he can love them right where they are.

Enjoy this video of the good Shepherd

Lead me, guide me, walk beside me, help me find the way.  That is what we can do as fellow sheep - we can fellowship our family and friends. We can lead them back to safety. We can honor their agency and share the good that comes from living the gospel actively. I can be a fellow sheep and walk along with them.
I'll walk with you. I'll talk with you. That's how I'll show my love for you.