self

Self. That's what I have been thinking about. Mostly myself.  I had a very full week with  a busy month and a busy summer.  I have had some great successes along the way but I often remind myself of the regrets. It seems to be one thing after another and although I do sometimes take time for myself by taking a nap or listening to a good book, I have felt overwhelm, exhaustion.  I have been disappointed as I am easily worn out physically.  I try to improve my eating, exercise and it all wears me out and I continue to gain weight.  I try to be okay with whatever. I try to not have my value be dependent on my size.  I have talked with God, asked for help, asked to find a healthy size and be content, asked if there is something I need to learn from this size journey, told him I am willing to do whatever, complained that nothing fits, energy is low, emotions are all over the place and I have a hard time seeing the good. 

I finally fell apart last Monday.  I was ready to sell the house, ignore everyone, quit trying and just be alone.  I have since realized that there may have been some brain chemistry off that added quickly to the overwhelm and sadness (i.e.Yelling and sobbing) that I felt.  I am trying to be better about taking my Q science vitamins because they do seem to help. Then I get frustrated that I need the help and rely on pills.  Then I take enough and the world is a better place and I am grateful. 

So while I have been busy trying to recover, enjoy life and figure stuff out I have realized that my negative attitude is affecting the ones I love.  I have been blind to the needs of family members (when there are 27 of us its easy to miss something). I have been more worried about myself and trying to find the balance of accepting assignments, opportunities, learning experiences and  protecting my sanity.  There doesn't seem to be a simple answer.  What does 'lose yourself in the service of others' really look like?

I am trying to figure out what is real. What is really my fault or under my control?  What should I be doing with my time? Am I being a wise steward of myself mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually? Will that all take care of itself if I focus more on others?

I really want to understand. I feel like I am in this journey for a reason but it is an uphill climb.  I try to watch out for and help my kids but there are always little conversations that cause a red flag and I wonder if I did something wrong or am not doing enough or need to do more. 

I am very grateful for the hope I have that I am not alone.  That I matter to my Heavenly Father.  I am listening to Little Women for a book club I want to join (one more thing that I think I want and is good but do I have time and is it selfish?).  There are so many wise lessons in the pages of that book that help me want to be a better woman, a better mom. I feel inspired. I highlight. And then I doubt if I can do it. 

I am not perfect. I know that and I know that I am not required to be perfect. I just need to keep trying. Even trying feels really hard some days, some moments.  There is so much good in my life.  When I stop and count blessings including good people in my life I am overwhelmed with the abundance of my life.  Even this sometimes leads me to feeling guilty.  I think why? Why when I am so blessed am I still struggling to be happy?  Why when I am so blessed do I feel anything but gratitude? Why can't I be the cheerful one? the one who sees good in everything? the one who never complains or speaks ill of others? the one who knows how best to help and has the courage to act? Who give abundantly and receives graciously? who can stick to a schedule and always be learning and becoming better physically, spiritually, emotionally, and mentally? And I come through the circle again wondering how do I really make progress.  What does it look like? Am I doing anything right?

And there you have it.  Self. I seem to be thinking again of myself. 
"God, please continue to be patient with me. I will continue to turn to you. You are my strength and my song. You have said I can ask and receive, seek and find. That the Holy Ghost can tell me all things what I should do.  I need that.  Please help me live worthy of thy Spirit, making choices that help me to hear the still small voice. Please give me courage to move forward, act on promptings, trust thee and enjoy this journey, this pilgrimage. Please forgive me my doubts, my despair. I will have hope and faith."

gifting

In the temple this morning I received a desire to be better at giving gifts. I want to be more aware of the needs around me and be prepared to help, to give.  I want to not have so much drama and worry when it comes to picking out a gift and trying to guess the receivers ability to receive - will they like it?, do they need it? will it be appreciated? Is it cheap? Is it wasteful? Is it a burden? will they be insulted? will they think I am ... because of what I chose to spend or make or do?  Guess what?  None of that is under my control  I have been letting something I have no control over - control me.  It has actually paralyzed me at times because I didn't trust my ability to just give what I could.  I am realizing that the part I can control is my intention.  That is where my worry can actually help me.  How can I keep my intentions pure? Are they motivated by love? Is the gift freely given without hope or expectation? I don't want to give anything with strings attached. I want to give freely and joyfully.  I want to give abundantly.

I am realizing that some of my issues with giving come from my inability to simply receive.  I get worried when someone does something for me or gives me something.  What do they expect in return? I could never be as thoughtful. Are things different between us now? Do I need to go get them something?

As this desire grew in my heart during a sacred temple experience I started to look around and realized that so many of the paintings surrounding me in the world room were of giving.  There were hands held out offering.  There were gifts being carried. There were gifts of serving, hard work welcoming, help and concern, discovery, knowledge, adventure.  There are also gifts that are not good such as the money paid to sell Joseph into captivity or the Israelites and the golden calf.

Giving and receiving are such vital parts of our earthly experience.  We do need to discern (another gift I want is that of discernment). We need to give and receive good gifts.  I add that to my request to learn to be a good giver of good gifts.  I want to let go of trying to understand what may be going on in anyone else's head and trust that I am doing the best I know how and they are too.  It seems to me that it would be easy to give gifts in this way.

I feel fortunate that my husband is a good giver.  He loves to give in secret. He willingly helps anyone in need. He give service.  He is building his business and under all kinds of responsibilities and dreams of potential but this summer he has taken time to serve.  He has served as president of the Mormon Miracle Pageant where he is continually working on relationships and how to improve the pageant experience. We got to be in the Nauvoo and British pageants which was a gift to me as it was my dream to do as a family and took over 2 weeks of full time away from home. He was asked to be the course director for Wood badge and spent much of the year putting together a fantastic team and inviting participants to invest in learning leadership skills. He helped my niece find a car and will probably end up eating a good share of the cost of the first effort as it didn't work out.  I bought a mirror and it led to redoing the whole powder room which he did willingly as evenings allowed.  He took time to help us with the grand kids at the fair and then took several of the boys to the rodeo that night.  I have examples in my children, grandchildren, neighbors and friends of people giving good gifts that are becoming more obvious and I seek to understand gifts.  They don't complain. They just give where they can and trust the circle of giving and receiving. It will all work out.

I am seeing that same cycle in my relationship with God.  He gives and gives.  All that I have he has given me. Sometimes he asks me to give - a broken heart, contrite spirit, my will, sisters to minister to, a family to love, covenants and promises, time, a grateful heart.  He asks of me, is there with me helping me give and he blesses me through the whole process. When we give good gifts I believe there are always more good things heading our way. 

Nauvoo and British pageant experience

Red Cast of the pageant began on July1 with getting our costumes and our first meeting/intro to the core cast and a chance to start off running from the beginning,

Day 1

our cabin for our Nauvoo experience

The view from our cabin and my family out standing in the lake

 We celebrated Debbie's birthday, and she got to go to the Nauvoo temple to do baptisms.

Our red cast experience included all these good people that we worked with, played with, and grew to love.  So very grateful for our pageant experience and to share it with these people at this time.

British pageant costumes and set

From this picture on the photos are in random order but still a fun reminder of the good times.

Drive home in our Buick enclave

June

The month of June began with adding 3 teens to our household.  With Natalie's family of 6 downstairs and our 8 upstairs we were at 14 for the entire month.  I am so grateful to help provide the experience of being in the pageant to a few more people.  The experience here in our small town is so very different than any other place and some even say life changing.  It is a privilege to be a part of adding wonder and experience to another's life

Shauna, Debbie, Sim, and Jeffrey

the boys room on a Sunday afternoon, snoozing.

fun time creating pictures together

the kids were experimenting with face painting for Lamanite warriors

This year we had dancers, warriors, and pioneers.  Here we have Elder Dube of the 70 posing with our crew.  He was great to have come and visit.  It is so exciting to hear how the people of Africa are receiving the good news of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

back row: Jeffrey, Kyle, Mark and front: Kylee, Debbie and Simeon

 Isaac, John, William, and Peter all helped with stage crew and shot arrows at Samuel the Lamanite for the first time.  Luckily angels are still protecting him and he never got hit.

Also Milt and his presidency provided firesides for youth groups before pageant each night.  Encore group would sing for half an hour and then a presidency member would speak for half an hour.  I was so please with the way Milt has developed his speaking and story telling skills. He was fun, engaging and shared value with the audience.

Yes that's my son in the red pants. So fun to see him developing and sharing his love of singing and dancing.  This is just a taste.

Mom's 75th birthday celebration was a lot of fun.  We had an open house for all her friends and then a family BBQ and more fun.

The cousins had great fun filling this tree with hammocks and sharing their seats.

Amber skills with her special hammock

 We talked 3 of my siblings into coming down with their families to see the pageant and enjoy a day at the lake.  To our house full of 14 we add 22 more that spent the night.  We sure know how to have fun and enjoy a big family.  Kayaking, paddle boarding and canoeing along with a picnic lunch.

Mark, Steve, Dad, Mom, me, Julie, and Amber

 We were only missing Dan and his family.  Not bad for all the many schedules that have to coordinate to have time together.

On June 20, Isaac had a group date.  They headed to Maple Canyon to go hiking.  Eight teenagers, actively having good, clean fun.

 That fun changed when Isaac (my son) went to look over the other side.  He was holding onto one of the rocks and it let loose. 

 He fell around 20 feet.  They were all up near this tree and he fell down, landing with his rear on a boulder and then finally stopping with the help of a tree to his chest another 15 feet.

These great kids had the scare of a lifetime as they saw him leave there view and only heard screaming as he fell. They hurried down to him, treated him for shock. Jeffrey lead them in prayer and then they were inspired on how to carry him out.  They even did all they knew how to check for a possible broken back.  They carefully crafted the words they would say as they call Mr. O.  "Hey umm, this is Kyle.  Isaac took a tumble and we are on our way to the hospital."

Needless to say Milt and I took off immediately and got there soon after the kids delivered Isaac to the emergency room.

 His head was fine but he had plenty of evidence of the fall.  One of the girls fathers "happened" to be working at the hospital as a nurse, happened to have recently heard Milt speak at his church, and ws a stake president.  We asked for his assistance in administering a blessing to Isaac.  He was promised that he would heal and that he should be patient in the process. They x-rayed both his hands and feet, did a CT scan of his tourso and an EKG of his chest. 

 Nothing was broken. All organs were fine.  They worried that their might be a hairline fracture at the base area of his one thumb so they splinted that. They washed and bandaged all they could and we were free to go home.

All these amazing, caring, faith filled youth waited and supported at the hospital

Isaac has been sore.  He carries a donut pillow to sit on everywhere and is using a crutch because it is hard to walk but he is pushing forward and is even attending a performing arts camp this week.  He is not one to be kept down.  I do hope he is learning to be patient in the healing process but I do appreciate his desire to limit pain meds, trust his body to heal, and have a new respect for being careful and steep edges.

I am so grateful that we get to learn these lessons now.  So grateful that there is a great group of youth who truly care about one another and choosing the right.  Life is good.