12 year olds are great

It happened. My baby boy is 12.  Twelve is big. Twelve is fun. Twelve is a young man and he is a good one.  

 We have the crazy tradition of having to decorate the kitchen for the birthday celebrating.  Sim wanted waffles with butter syrup and lucky for us Emily has been practicing the family recipe and Bryan is an excellent assistant.

 And yes, he is a Valentine boy.  Can I just express that he is one of the most thoughtful, loving kids I know.  He is sensitive, sweet and protective of others. He is especially good to me and his sister.

 Having said that he absolutely lit up when he got this pistol for his gift. He is tough, hard working, and oh so funny. He enjoys basketball, snow boarding, biking, reading, sewing, games with cousins, and shooting. His favorite color is dark green.

Birthday cake has been the same one for years.  He chooses razmataz cake that is yellow cake with a layer of cream cheese creaminess and then a layer of raspberry danish delight.  Always a hit with everyone.

 He was interviewed by the bishop and found worthy to receive the Aaronic priesthood.  We had the ordination in our home where he was literally surrounded by a few of the men of our family that also hold and honor their priesthood.  It brings hope and goodness to my world to see Godly men who love and serve their family.  He was ordained by my father.

 And as usual the ladies like to linger around the table discussing a variety of topics which included pregnancy and childbirth as we are so excited to be having a new baby on its way. It will make 8 grandchildren for me.  Kind of a special number as I have 8 children.

Winter fun in photos

 We started out the new year with a performance of Savior of theWorld. Still my absolute favorite. The kids all know I will cry and come away every time with a new idea about my Savior and how I can better understand what he did for me and how I can better receive that gift.

 Thomas and Jack and their snowman on a warmer winter day.

 Provo City Center temple open house was beautiful and fun to share with Natalie and kids on her way home from Equador.  He boys were sure glad to have her back.  She is a great mom.

 Dance party at Emily's with our favorite songs including songs from Frozen.

 Emily volunteered to be the doo for Do you wanna build a snowman?

 We got Sim the ski passport and had to go with. My very first time skiing since I was 17 years old.  May I say that, like riding a bike, I still know how but could use some practice to build those muscles and my confidence.

 We bribed Elise to come and take care of both of us newbies. She did great and we had so much fun together.

 Blanket Fort!  It's a big one with the tv and couch inside. We watched Courageous together inside - all 5 of us.

 This year included a visit to the Ice Castles in Midway.  It was amazing and beautiful. Glad to have shared it with David too.

 Isaac was feeling a little left out so we took him out of school and up to a real ski resort with Sim. They caught on quickly and had a beautiful time as we drove out of the inversion to the sun and blue sky. They both came home a little sunburned

 Then the next day the whole group went to our regular (and much more economical) snow boarding hill and had a great time.

 We have great youth that heart attacked us and brough cookies as part of their date dance. Thanks Mary, Allison, and Jill for thinking of us. We love it.

And speaking of love, we started a new tradition of an adult dinner with the family for Valentine's celebrating  We had fun with those that could come and shared how we met and our proposal stories.

Then a very special Valentine was left on our doorstep during dinner with some big news!

Roses are red

Violets are blue

This

Valentine's Day

We have some 

Big news

for you!

 Number 8 grandchild is on its way.  Can't wait to meet this little sweetheart!

I am beautiful

I am BEAUTIFUL inside and out. I went to my first Reiki session yesterday with a very wonderful woman. I didn't know what to expect but I have been learning about energy, emotions, and some of the many ways we can improve our lives and bless others.  That is what my session of Reiki did for me. It was a willingness to let someone else see inside of me.

taking a selfie is a huge step for me.

I have been working on positive affirmations. I am learning about foot zoning, essential oils, and even the Emotion Code.  Mostly I have just dabbled but I do want to take advantage of every good thing.  I know all good things are from Christ and I pray about the things I am learning and exposed to asking that I might recognize right and truth.  So, my affirmations have been fine but I was getting sloppy about them and putting very little energy into them.  The Reiki seemed to help me let go of the old, false sayings in my head. The ones that continually pop up and discount the good I am working on.  I talked, I cried, I shared.  She told me that I was courageous and that it was okay to let my emotions show.  I know that but it meant so much to be given permission.  I can still be strong and weepy.  I can be tired and good. I can be real and still beautiful. I can give up the shell I have been hiding in and let my true and better and growing and healing self shine out.

I have done a lot of good things in my life with a constant doubt that I am doing it "right" or good enough.  Whether it is relationships with family or friends, accomplishments, parenting, responsibilities, callings, I hold to the idea that I am just almost getting by. That somehow everyone else has an easier time being successful and that most people would do a better job than I am doing. In fact, they are probably all thinking of better ways to do this or that.  It is a false idea that my best is not good enough.  I am letting go of those old ideas that hold down the good in me.

I am beautiful! inside and out.  That is a new idea to me.  I try to be a good person and I take care of myself but I feel very average.  I am recognizing that Heavenly Father is telling me that I am beautiful and he is using others to verify that fact.  Giving compliments is not common in my family or in my marriage but last week my husband told me that I was beautiful.  I think that is the 2nd time in 31 years.  At least that I remember.  I know he loves me. He will say Hey you look nice, or Is that a new shirt? but not straight out "beautiful". I was surprised but I liked it. I have had nice people tell me that I have a beautiful spirit. That is easy to discount but not any more.  I am going to receive the good and let it become who I am.  I do want to be beautiful inside and out.  I want my intentions to be pure and good. I want the light of Christ to shine through me and make me beautiful on the outside too.

I came out of the session smiling. I had let go of a whole bunch of the negative guck that has been holding me back. I felt lighter, happier and filled with hope.  Hope that good things are ahead for me. Hope that life is getting better. Hope that the little 3 year old that I have wished I could be is safe and fine and I can grow up and take care of myself. I can do things and they are good.

Kung Fu Panda

Last night our family went to see Kung Fu Panda 3.  I was a little skeptical that a 3rd in a series wouldn'y be any good but I really enjoyed it. We have been listening to talks and learning about increasing connection with God, consecration from stake conference, being a front row teenager from Hank Smith and lots of different little ideas that just keep showing up in our experiences. We also enjoyed the new video for the youth theme this year.  So much of what I am depends on my willingness to be the real me, to put forth effort to become better and to recognize each person is on their own journey to greatness.

Some of the lessons I learned from the movie were
1. "If you only do what you can do, you'll never be better than what you are." (Shifu)
2. You need to figure out who you are.
3. We each have our own greatness.  Things work out best when we honor the gifts we have by improving them.
4.It is the little things that matter, build relationships, strengthen community. Tradition
5. Always taking does not work.  It is often in giving our all that we receive all that we need.
6. Namiste.  May the divine in me honor the divine in you.  That was the thought I had by the end of the movie.
7. Each step we take, we learn and then we should teach.  We should share with each other.

I would definitely recommend the movie. In fact I think we will have a Kung Fu Panda marathon and watch  the first 2.  I have discovered VidAngel.com and am enjoying movies for $1. Great idea. Great company.

trying to understand

I’m thinking a lot about abuse and the abused, particularly sexual abuse, and that though I do not understand I firmly believe that Christ can heal all wounds and bring light to even the darkest corners of our lives.  I believe that Satan keeps too many victims in darkness with shame, doubt, and secrets. I have a friend that was abused by her father who held leadership positions in his church, pillar in the community. She is now happily married to a righteous and religious man who honors God and his priesthood and her. I have a friend that was abused as a girl and sought out sexual experiences as a mother trying to feel loved. I have a friend who was abused at a sleepover by her friends father only to have a renewed sense of guilt and anger to find that her daughter experienced the same thing. I have a friend that was abused by the neighbor boy, ended up with her father being accused and investigated for abuse. She has recently had those scars ripped open as she has found her young children acting out inappropriately and doesn’t trust her 6 year old to be alone with little girls. I have a young friend whose brother is in prison for abusing her. I hear of boys being exposed to pornography at younger and younger ages. They don’t know what to do with the new feelings that confuse them and twist their ability to respect and connect.  Little girls are confused by the sexualizing of the media. Things are only getting worse with so many more victims and plenty of them are now adults who continue to suffer from the past.

Satan is attacking the family. Intimacy and the ability to procreate with God is a major and necessary and joyful part of God’s plan.  Satan is successfully confusing so many people but God is still in this battle with us.  He can heal. He can protect. He can use our sorrow, our loss, our weakness to build strength. He is the one that planted that incredibly strong need in men for coitus for His purpose and glory.  Though I do not understand that incredible need, asking a man to not have that need is like asking me not to love and nurture and care for my family. Like asking a momma bear not to protect her young. It seems that when that driving force is properly felt, controlled and used it is a motivating force for men that enables them to do all the serving, honoring, protecting, and providing for women and children. When those feelings are turned to lust and self-gratification see find victims. If we, as women, can learn to honor their needs and to help them learn to honor God with their feelings then we will be part of the solution. We must do all we can to teach our sons and daughters God's plan and view of this gift.

This morning I asked in prayer “How can I better recognize the promptings of the Holy Ghost?”. I then let my scriptures fall open and I began reading in Alma 5:6 “Have ye sufficiently retained in remembrance…?” the many times the Lord has blessed you, answered your prayers, helped you when you were not worthy of help or even aware of his help?  v.10 “What is the cause of their being loosed from the bands of death, yea, and also the chains of hell?”  They heard and believed in the words of a prophet.  They chose faith not fear and a mighty change was wrought in their heart. v.13 “they humbled themselves and put their trust in the true and living God.”  What does putting trust in God look like? v14-15 give us the answers and then it continues on with probing questions that teach how to trust God, how to retain in remembrance, and how to move forward from our less than perfect past.

As a mom I have had children disappointed or sad about something and they say “I never get to do that.” or “You always say no.”   "I can't!" or “I’m too stupid.”  They cling to one experience or excuse and it becomes their companion and the more they say it the more they believe it and it becomes a very real excuse to use so they don’t have to move forward.  They have plenty of good experiences too. They are given evidence over and over again to the truth and yet they will cling to the lie or the old, or that time as a dear companion that they have become comfortable with and simply will not let go. The mind set is familiar and letting go requires going to unfamiliar territory, trusting God and themselves. The first step of faith can appear scary. Satan wants to keep us in the the comfort of darkness and shame. Those have become what we are familiar with so much so that we doubt the light.

I believe that we must shine the light that brings truth, understanding and freedom.  The light of Christ that says you are good and I have so much more in store for you. Please just let go of the burden you carry. He healed the sick, caused the blind to see and the lame to walk. Though you may feel paralyzed, stuck, branded, unclean, tortured it is not permanent.  For with God, nothing NOTHING is impossible.

Some of the sources I believe help with the healing process are:

Believing Christ by Stephen Robinson or PDF where we are taught about the atonement

Brad Wilcox on Grace because all is grace - the enabling power of the atonement.

David Clare because sometimes our understanding of priesthood  and where we fit in confuses us.

The Act of Marriage because sometimes we forget that sex is not dirty but God given and good and we can learn, understand, and speak of sex and still be righteous men and women of God.

Shrink Session with Erin Stutland because our bodies matter. We need to care for our body and with this workout we also improve the self talk.  I finish feeling happy and go back to the sayings throughout the day.

Alma 5 because sometime it helps to be reminded that others have been made clean again and we might need to remember God in our lives, the many tender mercies as evidence of His love, and we need to ask ourselves the probing questions listed here.

Fasting and prayer

Edifying one another
Elder Uchtdorf on Happily ever after with an animated twist because we are all princesses on our own journey.

As a wife and mother I must ask myself if I am quick to forgive myself and others? Am I doing all I can to nurture my husband as well as my children? Am I concerned for his feelings, his needs? Am I expressing gratitude to my Heavenly Father for the good men in my life, especially my husband?  A new concept that I am beginning to understand is “That which we appreciate - appreciates”. I’ll look for the good, celebrate the good, claim good, expect good and I will appreciate good in my life and seek it in those I love.  Seek and ye shall find!  I will find joy, peace and gladness.

I also believe that we need to want to talk about the hard subjects.  Keeping things in darkness just lets them grow, like mold.  Shining light, especially with Christ’s help allows real progress and healing. Stops the bad. Unites our efforts to strengthen good.  Nobody is alone. Nobody need fear when we shine the real light and face together the challenges of our day. We will come out victorious because we are on the winning side. There be more with us than against us.  Shining light will help us grow in confidence and see the many that are there needing our help and bringing strength.


If you believe I don't understand, you are probably right but I will continue to try to understand, to find answers and to work it out here in black and white in hopes that one day we might all see in amazing color the love of God and the refining process that each of us experiences. On that day may we see the beauty in one another and rejoice together for having had this life.

I asked a dear friend her thoughts on reading the above words and she found them hurtful and naive.  I tried to understand but I also felt like truth is truth. God really can heal all things. I don't believe that any situation is beyond the Saviors atonement. Then I was taught again.  As I let things rumble around inside I was reminded of a time when an apostle of the Lord visiting a newlywed couple in the hospital shared his experience.  The husband had been diagnosed with cancer and the prospects did not look good.  The apostle had come to give a blessing but felt to ask some questions first. He asked this young couple "Do you have faith not to be healed?" It was not what was expected and took some very serious soul searching to be able to say that they would still believe in Christ and his great power even if he chose not to heal them or answer their prayers in the way they wanted. It occurred to me that those who continue to struggle with very real reactions because of past experiences are still choosing faith. They have faith not to be healed. They have faith to endure the trials they are in while not understanding why or when.  Healing is a process and whether we have instant healing or are given a longer lasting experience, each person is being loved, honored, and helped by Jesus Christ. They are going through a refining or a pruning that will allow them to emerge even greater than before.  So as I search for answers and a quick fix I am realizing that each person is on their own path. I hope to be a companion on the journey. One that may not understand but still loves and is willing to hold their hand and move forward together.

If anyone can share ideas and resources to protect our children, heal the harm done and teach about the body, intimacy, respect and repentance then please share.

Ellen's Lasagna

This has become our go to for lasagna. Easy, real, and yummy

Brown
1 lb ground beef
Add
1 clove garlic
1 T basil
1 1/2 tsp salt
1-1 lb can tomatoes (blended)
simmer together for 20 minutes

Cook
8 lasagna noodles
according to package directions

in another bowl combine
2 eggs
3 cups cottage cheese
1/2 cup Parmesan cheese
2 T parsley
1 teas salt
1/2 teas pepper

Grate
1 lb mozzarella cheese

Layer in a 9x13 pan 2 T sauce mix on bottom of pan. Then half the noodles, half the cottage cheese mix, half the meat sauce, half the grated cheese. Repeat.  Bake in 375 for 35 minutes.  Can cover with foil while baking but the cheese might stick.

Grandpa's stay-cation

We have Grandpa here with us. He is staying for 10 days while his wife visits her son and his family. We rearranged and prepared and installed  and borrowed until we felt we had a safe place for him to be. We even brought over his lazy boy recliner to make it more like home.

Milt is explaining the wonders of the internet to his father.  They are having fun looking up past conference talks and other fun stuff on Facebook.  Grandpa is amazed at the technology. This same grandpa does not remember that we built our house next to his over 15 years ago. It is all a sense of wonder and discovery again and again.

 We took advantage of the opportunity and tried asking questions about the old days. He shared some fun things.  We enjoyed the story of when he was a missionary and they were teaching a family and he was trying to keep the little kid that climbed under his chair from distracting from the lesson.  The little cuss bit his finger and hard.  We all got a good laugh from that story.

 I told Grandpa that Isaac was a bit girl crazy.  To which Isaac agreed.  Grandpa suggested we shave Isaac's head to keep the girls away.

On Christmas Eve we enjoyed our Bethlehem dinner with him and then as we were winding down for the night we asked him to read "Twas the Night Before Christmas"  My book had some hard to read print unfortunately but he successfully moved forward and we recorded a delightful reading. We all thought he sounded a lot like President Monson.

Though Grandpa was sometimes disoriented he was a delight to have in our home.  He was always polite and grateful.  He thought everything we did was great. He joined us in scripture reading. He prayed with us. He listened intently to the kids and to their piano songs. He even helped us play the boom wackers.  I am very grateful for the time we had with him.  One family night he and Milt and Jay shared missionary stories and then we ended asking if he had a message for his grandkids. We recorded it and I would like to share it here if some one can teach me how to share a voice recording.