my marriage counselor

So I have been learning a bit more about relationships.  Did you know that men (and boys) have a great need for our approval and appreciation as women.  Our incredible power is best used in a positive way. We have the ability to see well the whole picture - right and wrong, long term effects, where habits may lead, what needs to happen when.  All good things to see and understand.  If we see these things and then nag about them, we risk turning out loved ones away.  If we always point out the need for improvement or the areas our men are falling short we limit their ability to succeed.  If we take time to point out the good, the successes, the amazing ideas, desires, and efforts then we actually enable them to be better.

Yes they are still human and may really bug us at times.  I tried a little experiment.  My husband and I both received the assignment to send out a letter requesting nice letters from others.  It was an awkward and hard thing to do but so rewarding. I did it. I received beautiful letters that touched my heart.  I shared my success.  Mr. O. did not send out the letter, did not write me a letter and got very defensive if I suggested he should complete the assignment.  I was frustrated because I wanted him to have this great experience.  He declared that he had absolutely no time to do this assignment that would take 5-10 minutes. I felt pretty sure that there are some other issues that are leading up to his putting this off.  It all left me a little sad.  My reminding did not motivate him in the least.

I decided to focus on the good things he was doing.  I still felt frustration so I took it to my Heavenly Father.  I explained to him that Mr. O. really needed to learn some time management skills.  That he has time and just needs to make time for those things that are important and right.  I also realized that I get frustrated with myself for this very thing of not using my time well.

This morning Mr. O had to be on a conference call for a new position he has taken on.  He had the phone on speaker so I was able to listen also.  My prayers are not always answered this quickly but this morning the speaker training Mr. O and his group spent quite a bit of time explaining that having enough time is a matter of attitude.  That there is plenty of time and to not make excuses.  This all addressed the particular concern I had prayed about and it came from an authority that Mr. O honors and appreciates.  Wow.  I feel so grateful and loved.  I will keep loving Mr. O, sharing the good I see in him and taking my concerns to my Heavenly Father who knows best how to teach and guide each of us. I like having a divine marriage counselor who has all the right answers if I will but listen.

Grateful:
- God watches over me, hears and answers my prayers
- provides learning opportunities for my loved ones that teach me too.
- 75 degree weather and green grass
- rain storms and snow
- grateful children

amazing letters

I have had the opportunity to be in a Go Vertical Group Mentoring class with 3 Key Elements for the last several months.  Once again it has been a growing and rewarding experience.  One of our last assignments was to ask people to write to us and tell us what they like about us.  This is the letter I sent out.

Dear loved one,

I am writing to ask a rather awkward request of you.  I am striving to improve myself by fighting the negative voices that come at me in my head.  At times those voices are really loud.  I have found that they also are not true.  In an effort to see the positive and to grow in confidence I am creating a book that I can turn to daily to remind myself of the simple truths of who I am and what I can become. Without direction and vision I don't get very far.

I am asking you to write me a letter (email), even just a paragraph of the good you see in me or maybe an experience where I was helpful to you or made you feel good. Anything positive or amazing that you can share would be greatly appreciated.  I will print the notes I receive and keep them in my book so that I can read from them each day and create a positive story of my life and grow in value creating an energy rich life.  My goal is to love freely and confidently, to seek, honor, and encourage the good in others.  I am finding that it works best when I begin with my self.  The more I win against the negative thoughts the more good I see in others.  Thanks you for your help, love, and great examples of people I admire and hope to be like.

All is grace.

With love, 

Becky

PS my goal is for 20 letters.  Thanks again.

It was an act of courage to send out this letter. I remember closing my mind and just pushing send, knowing that I couldn't take it back.  I only sent it out to a few people the first time and then I tried to think of a few more people and I sent it out again. I thought that was the hard part.

Imagine my surprise when people started sending letters back and the roller coaster of emotion and tears that came as I realized how amazing my friends and family are and the good they see in me. They see so much more than I ever see or admit.  My desire to truly be those qualities increased exponentially as did my love for them.  My goal to love freely and confidently, to seek, honor, and encourage the good in others became so much easier.  As I read each sweet letter I was filled with love and appreciation for each person,  I had an immediate desire to share with them a few of the great things I see in them.  I also had to fight again the doubts that would try to discount their words to me.  I have a great deal to learn and become but I am progressing and I do have value - right where I am. I have a renewed hope in the world and my ability to be an influence for good.

This has been such a powerful experience. My mentor said that rather than gifts for his birthday he asks for a letter.  It is so much more powerful and lasting and treasured.  I am so grateful for each letter and for the good I see in the world.  I don't know if I would dare ask for letters again like this.  It almost felt selfish but I know that as I have received and sent letters it has been such a tremendous honor.  I certainly would not mind writing letters when people ask and even when they don't and I would definitely welcome them any time.  I will save them and refer to them and build an energy rich life. I hope that the good words I share with others will be accepted and believed.  I want to have that same sweeping emotion of love and amazement and joy.

Storms

Alma 26 teaches of Ammon's glories in the Lord.

 2 And now, I ask, what great blessings has he bestowed upon us? Can ye tell?

Do I stop and ask along my journey? or after a particular challenge in my calling? or as I am mothering, what has worked well here and how have I seen the Lord's hand?  His experience is different from mine but I  think ideally his answer is the one I want.

3 . . .And this is the blessing which hath been bestowed upon us, that we have been made instruments in the hands of God to bring about this great work.

He goes on to share the analogy of the field being ready to harvest, the work of reaping, the long days of labor and the great number of sheaves and the gathering into garners. And the storms that will come.

6. . . but when the storm cometh they shall be gathered together in their place, that the storm cannot penetrate to them; yea, neither shall they be driven with fierce winds whithersoever the enemy listeth to carry them.
 7 But behold, they are in the hands of the Lord of the harvest, and they are his; and he will raise them up at the last day.

So this morning as I am fasting and praying for guidance with my callings as mother, wife, friend, and young women's leader I am feeling at times that there is so much to do.  We are laboring greatly in hopes of a fine harvest. The harvest I am hoping for is steadfast and immoveable  testimonies for all those I love.  I am working to strengthen my sons and daughters that they will come through the difficult challenges and temptations of our day with courage and power.

I am realizing that the pattern of leading and loving people needs to begin with me.  I am wondering what weapons of war I need to lay down (See Alma 23-25). My weapons that I hang onto are those of pride,  self preservation, fear, or doubt that I can do what is requiref of me, or procrastinating in following the promptings of the spirit. I want to recognize the Spirit more, trust God's plan for me and then have the courage and strength to work the plan, to nobly and boldly move forward when asked and be doing good even when I am not asked specifically. I want to submissively be gathered in to be part of the Lord's harvest.  I want to enjoy his protection through the storms and I want to be with them that will be raised at the last day.

 8 Blessed be the name of our God; let us sing to his praise, yea, let us give thanks to his holy name, for he doth work righteousness forever.

He is doing the works of righteousness. He is planting in our hearts the righteous desire that we may choose to act on. He is the one that will use me as his tool if I am choosing him.  If I am doing all I can to serve  him and to be clean, to be prepared by searching his word and being obedient then he can use me.  Actually I have found that I don't have to be doing it all all the time.  When I have a desire to serve those He loves then he uses me and I am given strength to do better at all those things that build me and that serve others.

 12 Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things; yea, behold, many mighty miracles we have wrought in this land, for which we will praise his name forever.

I am craving his stength in my life.  I need his power. I desire his righteous influence and protection and love.  I pray that he will show me how to help inspire righteous choices in those around me. I want to be better at communication with my Lord, in asking for what is right, in acting on his will for me and my family. My patriarchal blessing says "The Lord needs you. The time is short. So much is to be done "  Maybe that is why I feel an urgency and need to do more now.  I want to claim the promised blessings of righteous living and I want to thrive in this time of harvest.

Being

I am working on being. I am choosing tools that help me change the inside so the fruits that show on the outside are indeed good and desirable.  I continue to take classes, listen to pod casts and and collect information.  I am finding that I am a little unbalanced in applying that information.  It is great information and makes me feel good and have lots of ideas of what I want to do and the change I would like to see.  The trick has become doing action steps.  Daily steps, little goals that lead to accomplishing the bigger goal. That is where I have been falling short.  I love all the feel good but then I need to put forth the effort. Jump in and do the work.  Take the first step moving towards my goal.  Even my workout this morning said "Don't just wish for it, work for it".

So this is what we do.  We choose a goal.  Just one to start.  Pick one thing that I want to see happen in my life.  I am going to re-do my vision board.  I have had one on the wall with blue tape but I am ready for something a little nicer and willing to invest a little more into my vision board.  So here are some of the steps.

1. Find or make a framed cork board. (done.)
2. unwrap it and hang on the wall.  (today's goal)
3. move over current items
4. choose new items
5. find pictures to represent new items and print
6. put them on the vision board
7. look at vision board every day.

So I have now figured out every step I can think of.  I am going to chose at least one step a day.  Each step is simple enough that I can do one each day and I will remember that even though the steps are small they are taking me in the right direction.  As I add these steps to my day I am also going to remember that I have a good working morning routine that I must not neglect.  I begin my day with prayer, scripture study, exercise and a green smoothie.  That is my successful step and I will honor that while I add another step.  I have found that my a.m. routine empowers me and when I honor it then it gets my day started and more productive.

So here is a little bit about the why.  We are children of our creator. We also have an innate need to create, to progress. We are here on the earth to learn and grow.  When we create order, when we create action steps and do them we are acting on faith.  That faith that says we can do things and that what we do does matter.  This morning I was reading in Alma 9

28 Therefore, prepare ye the way of the Lord, for the time is at hand that all men shall reap a reward of their works, according to that which they have been...

We are suppose to be doing things but it is not really the things that we accomplish.  We should be anxiously engaged in good things but what really matters is what we are becoming.  Our intent, our hearts as we are doing is what really matters.


Grateful:
684 that I now know that a brownie before my workout does not make my work out easier or increase my energy.
685 that becoming matters more than doing.

My goal is family

Family. It's about time.
Porn kills love.
quality or quantity
minimalist
see the world
no pain no gain
If your dreams don't scare you, they're not big enough.
never let the odds keep you from doing what you know in your heart you were meant to do.
Idle hands are the devil's workshop. (idle minds too)
Family first
Its doing all you thought you could and then a little bit more.
See the good in others. See the potential.

I am in the process of figuring out what my goals are. I am in a class to learn to set and achieve goals. My challenge has been doubting my direction. I doubt my ability to make a choice, choose a direction, set a goal.  Milt wanted me to help him with a fight against pornography. Its important but it is not my main focus.  I just keep coming back to building home and family.  I so want to figure out how to create traditions that bring the family together.  I want to have power to love freely and confidently, forgive quickly, nurture always.  I want to be a healer of relationships.  I want to be a creature of order.  I want to be an amazing teacher, great story teller, motivator, mentor.

Once I get all that figured out and mastered I want to get good at gardening, planning delicious meals, controlling my eating, exercising more, increasing energy in all its different forms.  I want to understand health, fitness, politics, education, decorating, sewing, creating, and chore motivation. There is so much I want to be for my family.  There is so much I want them to become.  It can be exciting. It can be just plain scary.  It is a huge goal that I am living every day.  I don't have a lot of other ambitions.  I want to be a happy, healthy wife and mother. I want to be an example of lifetime learning and improving.  I want to inspire greatness in them  I want them to be willing to do the hard things, pay the price to develop talents, gain knowledge and skills.

It could be so overwhelming.  It could shut me down and has at times but I am on a journey of discovery.  I am learning that I am ENOUGH just the way I am.  I am capable and powerful.  I am actually smart.  I am learning that though I am enough I can still ask for help.  In fact, being enough gives me the courage to ask for more. I need gifts to achieve my goals.  I am asking my Father for the gifts of love, order, and forgiveness.  These three areas are my main focus.  They are what I really want in my life. I can only seek these gifts and then recognize them as they come so that I can truly receive the gifts, develop the gifts, share the gifts.

This is where my greatest efforts belong.  As I focus on family I believe that my ability to serve in my callings, be a neighbor and friend will be fruits of the tree I am nurturing. These are the people that mean the most to me.

Happy holidays!

We have enjoyed a great holiday season with the celebration of our Savior's birth being the most important part

 The simplified version of the candy house continues

 and the Sunday picture that we will frame and add to the collection.

 Debbie decided that the manger would remain as part of the season decor.

 Christmas Eve Bethlehem dinner.

 Then we moved to the living room for sharing of talents, singing, opening one present of PJ's and playing Christmas songs on boom whackers.

 Christmas morning

 and one special surprise

 Shooting and sleding

 Brothers!

Our party of odd favorite foods.  The empanadas being a big hit with all.

 Rely on John to find some fun videos to share.  He also brought nerf guns one night had they all had a blast.

 For the nativity we sing the song out of the primary book and bring in the players as they are sung about.

 These little Porter boys got to see the garbage truck come by.  They just burn their garbage at their home.

finding improvement

My family was introduced to 3 Key Elements well over a year ago.  This is a company that starts as a body language expert  source but has become so much more.  Each time we listen to a CD or attend another class we are taught tools and ideas.  These tools and ideas make us think, make us stretch, make us wonder, make us make a new decision.  Should I do it?  Will it work?  Will I see results?

An example would be declarations, or vision board, or write and burn.  They sound simple and maybe even silly at first.  I just make a list of things I admire and wish I was, say them out loud and magically I become them? I just find cool pictures, put them on the wall and the "universe" is just going to bring them to my front door?  I just write lots of negative thoughts that are swimming in my head and then burn them and they will leave me alone?  Maybe!  They are simply tools I can choose to use.They are first steps in bringing change and improvement.  If I don't do them I can be pretty sure things will stay the way the are.  What if I do do them and life improves?  Is that a risk worth taking?  What if I say "I'm fit and healthy, active and fun, I feel great!" and sometimes I don't?  Is that so bad?  What if reminding myself of this every day makes me more aware of opportunities to become more fit and healthy, is that so bad?  What if it motivates me to say yes to the better choices more often?

The classes I have attend do cost money.  I am making an investment in myself and in my family. With investing, paying the price, comes commitment.  I paid for this so I'm going to use it.  I'm going to see if it works.  I have learned lots of new tools and ideas.  I don't get around to all of them all the time. I don't even remember them all or know how to fit them all in.  I do usually use at least one every day. I do have challenges that come up and my mind goes to some of the things I have learned and I find a way to feel I am moving forward, that I have an answer that might help or at least lead me to another answer. Does this leave out prayer? NO.  In fact, when I am in tune I recognize where faith, prayer, trusting God are all very intricately woven within the tools and become more visible when I am keeping my covenants and seeking.  Like parables that Christ taught that may not even seem related are, in fact, very related and the very answers straight from our loving Heavenly Father.

So like all things on earth there are ups and downs in life and the different things we are doing to make life better.  There are times when I see progress and times I wonder if I am wasting time and money.  Tools are not the result.  The tools we use help us to build something. For me, these tools are helping to build my character.  They are helping me clean up from the inside out.  They are helping me build relationships, learn forgiveness (for myself and others), set and accomplish goals, stretch beyond my comfort.  One of the very best things I have gained from just jumping in and using these new ideas is to share them.  Milt and I are so much closer because we are sharing this learning experience and growing together/independently using the same tools and terminology and we are able to see the progress and cheer each other on.  I see my children sharing powerful declarations, achieving or receiving things on there vision board.  I see us as a family becoming stronger and more supportive as we learn not to dump toxic words on each other but learn healthy ways to deal with frustration and negative thoughts.

I feel so grateful to have found tools.  They are not who I am.  They are not anything that takes the place of worship.  They are tools that enhance my ability to build and strengthen my life, my purpose as I seek to please my Savior.  I feel they have been a gift.  When I receive and use this gift properly, when I quit judging and start trusting and testing, I feel power in my life.  I feel positive choices being made by me. I feel like opportunities that have always been there are becoming more visible to me and I am able to take advantage of them.  I feel excited and want to help others.  I celebrate the growth and get excited when others are achieving also.

I also feel like when you get excited about something that is good there are those out there who feel it is their job to tear it down. They want to bring you back to the level they understand.  I want to be free to make choices, share information and I want others to be free to accept or not.  So here I am sharing a small bit of the journey my family is on.  I invite you like I invite someone to dinner.  You can accept and come, you can schedule a better time, or you can simply say no thanks.  Please don't get mad if I sometime mention the fun we are having and the good food we tried.  You are always invited and I would love to hear about the good things in your life too.

For here and now this is a way I have found to improve my life.  After all we are here to improve and though we may be heading in the same direction our vehicles might look different to fit our journey.