accused

Yestesday was rough.  I am learning that it is about perspective.

I received a phone call from a friend who was very angry. She lit into me telling me what a horrible son I had, how dumb and mean all the boys in our town are, how her son was hard working, decent and treated unfairly.

I just listened. She cried. I said I was sorry. I couldn't hold back tears either.  I am super uncomfortable with conflict.  This felt like a direct attack and I didn't know what to do about it.  I have learned to be quiet. Let them have their say and then just give it time.

Unfortunately, though I had serious doubts about her accusations I was hurt and cried a lot.  That tends to upset my family.  By the time this sweet son got home he could tell I was very sad.  As I told him about the call I had received his eyes teared up and with them rolling down his cheek he said I wish I knew what I did wrong.

So here is the story.

The mom tells me that her son, who never gets invited anywhere and just earn money to buy a nice bike so he could be "in", saw my son and his friends.  He headed over to join them, crashed. My son came to him and said, "wow, that was cool" and then started to make fun of him.  All those other boys also came over and made fun of him. Teased him for wearing boots and jeans and a knife on his belt.  Left him to limp home hurt and alone, again.  She was now putting him back together physically and emotionally. She told me my son and my daughter were not nice people. (my daughter was not there).

As I talked to Simeon, his understanding was very different.  They were out biking. They saw this friend and they all headed towards each other.  When the friend crashed they did go over to him. They did say cool. (That is what they do. They compliment the wipe out, they laugh with the boy, it is much more comfortable than coddling and often if they can laugh through the pain they all feel better about mistakes and trying again.).  Sim invited the boy to come riding with them.  He just left the other direction and went home.  None of the boys had any idea that this friend was offended or hurt or sad.

Now what?

We prayed. We gathered up all the other boys and headed to this friend's house.  He welcomed us in.  I could see no visible injuries (which might be why the boys just asked him to join them rather than escorting him home).  We asked the friend to speak first and share what he experienced.  It was nothing as bad as the mom had described.  They boys talked, laughed, shared some of their embarrassing wipe outs. Admitted that they had all ridden in boots and jeans and the danger of having a knife on your belt from first hand experience.

The fact of the matter is that this mom is feeling lonely. The boys are not leaving her son out on purpose. They don't even get together very often. He is free to call them as well. Unfortunately she wouldn't see that the way the boys handled his wreck was actually a very inclusive 'you're one of us' way of dealing with it.  It was a way to help a guy save face.

It occurred to me last night as we were headed to bed that this poor mom is like an injured animal that is hurting and is quick to lash out, to assume that others are out to get her and her family.  It hurt me a lot but I can't really be mad at her.  I got to be her landing spot, her safe place to vent.  Hopefully it helped.

One day she will be ready to learn that these are all good boys.  She will learn that they are not given special privilege because of their name. They had to earn their own bikes too. They work and study and struggle. Someday when she learns some of the very real and difficult challenges these boys are working through with other friends, she might be very grateful that her boy is just lonely and not cutting himself or suicidal.

Someday.

We all have so much we are dealing with.  It is not a competition to see whose life is hardest. We each have our own tailor made life education. It is part of building relationships, building character, practicing courage and kindness. It is especially a chance to repent and to forgive.  We get to learn to love and trust by trial and error. We get hurt. We learn to see the good in every situation (or we just learn that God can find the good, create the good, use it all for our good and his glory)  It would be well to remember that we are all hurting and to just be patient when someone needs to let off some steam.  Somehow I will learn not to take it personally.  Already I am forgiving. I realize that truth wins.  Even if my son had done something wrong, we could learn from it.  This time he did right, very right.  I am so very proud of his tender heart and his courage to move forward in the face of wrongful accusations and try to make things better.

We just don't know what is going on with anyone else.  We don't know what silent battles they are fighting.  Just the other day as I found myself loosing patience with my daughter I found this little reminder that she is a sweet, kind, little girl who is just figuring out the growing up thing. She leaves evidence everywhere of her desire to be happy and bring joy to others. Seek and ye shall find.

What matters in life is not what happens to you but what you remember and how you remember it. I choose to remember that a friend was hurting and we became more aware and were able to be there to help them when they were falling, a safe place to land those punches. Then we can all heal and move forward. This is me. This is us. We are doing the best we know how and we will trust that you are too.

Today I added names to the prayer roll at the temple and added my own additional prayer.  Then I found this article very comforting.  May I Pray for You?

Brightened my day

I began this journey of being present because of what I saw in my family and in the world.  Imagine my surprise to realize that it is more for me than them.  I want to inspire my children to choose to be present but here I am realizing that I have a much bigger problem than I ever imagined.

I like to think that a new awareness is a first step in my present journey.

So I have been very busy in my calling with the Relief Society, my new trainings with Learn Do Become getting my life organized and productive, and my Christmas present of a membership with Bold New Mom where I learn to manage me thoughts and so much more.  It is all very exciting to me and so many truths I want to learn and incorporate.

This is my new, organize command central. I am excited to learn to process all the paperwork, projects, roles. . .

So in all of that I am also feeding my soul with my friend Jacque's blog Lioness at the Door.  I subscribed and get the updates on her blog.  I am guessing this is an original poem by her. It fits so nicely into my Be Present goal.

To love where we are,
what we have.

When young and alive,
Full of hope and ambition
We look to the time when we’ll take to our wings!

In looking out forward,
We miss the fleet moments
As carefree, light days pass away on a breeze.

In times that come later,
With risks and hard working
We look back to childhood
And wish to be there.

Being present with loved ones
The sages remind us,
Is key to life’s grandeur
enjoyment and bliss!

Glance forward and plan things,
But don’t lose your balance
Lest looking away, takes your eye
Off the now.

Glance backward for learning,
But just for a moment
So living right now we can savor and own
All the gifts that life gives when we fully attend.

Forgive all the past,
Nod with hope to tomorrow
While living, heart open,
In the stark-standing now.

So in all those good things I am especially wanting to be present with feeling and being guided by the Holy Ghost. I feel there is so much more I could be learning and doing with his help. I just need to listen.

My experience today was unique but I hope it was my learning to listen better. I was at Walmart near the produce section. There was a couple there carrying a basket and I heard her say "We don't really need the pickles. Are you okay with that?"  My instinct said that they were having to be very careful and choose between pickles and something else they wanted.  I felt I should give them $20.

I fought the urge. It was awkward. How do you do that? Maybe I could sneak it into their basket.  But they were quickly walking to the check out by now.  Maybe while they are in line. No, they went to the self service.  I almost walked away thinking I had missed the opportunity. Then I declared that I would do what I was told and do it now.  I went over to her. Tapped her on the shoulder holding my $20 and said "Will you take this?"

She said "Sure".

I said, "Thanks". and walked away quickly. I was even a little embarrassed.  I knew I was being a little strange.  I was just hoping that maybe I was an answer to a prayer. Maybe I made a difference.  I don't know. I don't expect to ever see them again and I don't know that I would recognize them.  I do secretly smile that no matter what I may have brightened someones day. It was kind of fun and, guess what?  It brighten my day!

THIS IS WATER

THIS IS WATER By David Foster Wallace: In 2005, author David Foster Wallace was asked to give the commencement address to the 2005 graduating class of Kenyon College. However, the resulting speech didn't become widely known until 3 years later, after his tragic death. It is, without a doubt, some of the best life advice we've ever come across, and perhaps the most simple and elegant explanation of the real value of education.
We made this video, built around an abridged version of the original audio recording, with the hopes that the core message of the speech could reach a wider audience who might not have otherwise been interested. However, we encourage everyone to seek out the full speech (because, in this case, the book is definitely better than the movie).
-The Glossary

Sim just shared this video with me. (just click on the title to get to the video)  It was great and goes well with my desire to be more present.  When I choose to be present I can choose what to think.  I can choose how to feel.  I can be more aware of those around me and what they might be feeling or dealing with.  I can be more sensitive, helpful, or even simply have a better attitude and more patience realizing that I just do not know enough about what they are facing to make any assumptions.

I feel so much more aware of the many ways I avoid being present. This is just one more way I can choose because I am more aware that it is my choice.

Be there

Catching up with Ann on A Holy Experience.  I have missed her as I haven't read her blog for quite a while but felt to revisit recently. I love her perspective and gratitude.  She sometimes gets a bit wordy but other times I love the way she plays with wordsmithing an idea.  And, of course, I found more reasons and ways to be present.

Exodus

This seems oddly repetitive. If Moses comes up the mountain, wouldn’t he already be there?

Translators interpret the text as simply saying that Moses should “wait there.” One nineteenth century rabbi, however, spun a lovely sermon out of the Bible’s intriguing choice of words, pointing out that there is, in fact, such a thing as going to a place and not actually being there.

there is, in fact, such a thing as going to a place and not actually being there.

He commented, If a person exerts himself and ascends to the summit, it is possible to reach it, while not being there. He stands on the summit of the mountain, but his head is somewhere else.

It’s entirely possible for a person to expend a great deal of energy getting to a destination, yet arrive with their head and thoughts remaining at the original point of departure.

The rabbi imagined that God was telling Moses not only to ascend the mountain but to be there fully, with complete attention and concentration, leaving behind all of his extraneous thoughts.

On the momentous occasion of the giving of the covenant, God wanted Moses to be fully present, in body, mind, and spirit.

I find this very helpful advice for reading the Bible: As you read, do your best to be there.  Lois Tverberg

She also said:

In our cellphone-saturated world, some of us need to go into airplane mode and detox awhile so our heads quit buzzing, just so we can think straight.

I go regularly to "the mountain of the Lord", the Lord's holy temple.  There are times when I am present and beautiful thoughts open up to me and I am taught. There are also times when I just show up but am not as alert and attentive as I should be.  I do feel that just being there still blesses me but it is so much better when I make the effort to be there fully.

Present

Present.  That is my word for 2018.  I want to be present.  I have a habit of  trying to do more than one thing at once which leaves me never doing anything well.  I am on the computer now talking about being present and I am still watching for my phone to sign into another call I'm invited to. I find when I am listening to something I really want to learn from I am often distracted by little things like checking email, the weather, what the kids are doing, if the dog needs to go out.

I want to really enjoy the gifts of life and that requires being present.  I am seeing it in my family.  There is a need to be present with each other.  It is easy for me to be irritated with my husband while he checks Facebook at breakfast or lunch.  Or its my son texting during family meals. Then I realize that I, too, am guilty.

I see myself not always listen to my children or mostly concentrating on what I should say or guessing what they are going to say or what they 'really' mean.

Its a silly waste to not truly be there.  I want to be fully present in the situation that I am in.  I want to be fully authentic and I want to work towards being vulnerable.  To trust that there is time for those things that are most important. Everything will work out and it will work out better if I don't miss it because I was unable to just enjoy the moment.

I don't need to manage every moment and get the most productivity out of each situation because when I do that I miss the beauty, the essence of the truth of the moment or experience and especially of the relationship.

As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints I was already recognizing an admonition from many of our apostles to put the devices down and have real conversations - face to face.  With the passing of our beloved prophet, Thomas S. Monson, I am able to see so many remembrances about him.  He was truly present and real.  Heidi Swinton, the author of his biography To the Rescue shared this insight.

I love that he took everybody into his inner circle and it didn’t matter if you were watching him on TV or sitting in his office, you felt that way.

She also tells how he was so good at connecting with the one.  The one person mattered. He knew it. They felt it.  He was present.  I want to be present. 

a new calling

I have been the Webelos leader for the last 1.5 years. Ask anyone in my family and they will tell you that it is no secret, I don't care to be in cub scouts.  I feel a little bad about the complaining I have done.  It actually is not that bad and I can see some really good potential with the program. I have developed a relationship with these cubs that makes me proud of them and the opportunity to see them continue on doing good things. We have had some real fun and some learning challenges but mostly when I take time to plan and prepare, it all goes smoothly and I don't mind it at all.

BUT, now I have a new calling and I don't believe I will miss cub scouts at all.  It has been really good to have a wide variety of callings and experiences and now I get to try something totally new.  I have been called to serve as 2nd counselor in our stake Relief Society.  I get to work with some very amazing women that I already admired greatly.  If I am not careful I am easily intimidated by their confidence, knowledge, beauty and testimony.

Relief Society is such a great and noble organization.  They do so much for so many but it still gets a bad rap.  I am not sure why but it is something to easily ignore.  It is easy to forget the divine charge to care for one another and then appreciate the vehicle God put in place to help that process.

So now I get a front row seat.  It is amazing how perspective changes and love enters so fully.  I am amazed as we have had the opportunity to visit with the different RS presidencies. They are fun, capable, sweet, strong women and it is easy to see that they are doing their very best and making a difference in their wards. One blessing I have often seen and am seeing again is that I am remembering a little better the names and faces of people.  It is so fun to be able to call people by name and greet them.  I will hope and pray that I can expand this blessing to help me be vulnerable and able to connect with more people on a personal level.  I would love to be a tool in Heavenly Father's hand that blesses and cheers the lives of others.

Relief Society helps prepare women for the blessings of eternal life as they:

• Increase faith in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and His Atonement;
• Strengthen individuals, families, and homes through ordinances and covenants; and
• Work in unity to help those in need.

Thanksgiving weekend

We start our weekend making pies.  This year we made cherry, pumpkin, carmel, pecan, lemon cheesecake, and banana cream.  

Debbie's carmel cream pie

Erica's first pie (cherry)  We knew she would love the creative, artistic part.

 We enjoyed our pie morning at Jay and Lauri's house.  Still lots of fun after all these years.

 Debbie, Simeon, and I had fun decorating the dinner table.  With only 5 of us we had time a room to do things a little bit extra nice.  We even got to enjoy a roast turkey this year. We will be back to BBQ turkey next year and a whole house full of love and people.

 We got to spend some time at Grandma and Grandpa's home.  It was a treat to find the boys with Grandpa showing them cars on his phone while sitting on the counter.  We enjoyed dinner together, played Jokers and Pegs, taught them about When Calls the Heart on Netflix.

 Then we headed downtown to see Savior of the World.  Once again I just love the experience I have every time we go.  Dane and Erica met us there and enjoyed it too.

 Temple square lights!  It was super crowded. We didn't realize it was the night the turn on the lights for the first time of the season.  It was beautiful

Saturday we headed up the mountain for Christmas trees.  It was warm and dry and so easy to wander around the mountain side.

 Emily, Ella and Brian joined us and found a perfect tree.

 my might men hunting and dragging out the Christmas tree.

 and Isaac with Simeon's help caught this fish with their bare hands.  Quite the accomplishment.

 Now the real fun begins as it all comes together in a festive frenzy of decorating and watching Christmas movies like the Santa Clause 2 and Elf.