Time to fill

I have a dear friend, Mindy, who likes to plan and organize (or at least she feels driven to) fun and quality filled events for women or home schoolers or families.  I am so grateful for the many times I am on the guest list.  Though it is not her intention, she amazes and inspires me with her enthusiasm, love and goodness.

Last Saturday she organized a women's retreat that she called "Time to Fill up your cup".  We had women from various ages and stages with a common desire for sisterhood and support.  There is a great need for women to come together, to gather.  We weren't experts but we each brought what we know and learned to appreciate one another's journey of faith.

One woman who had battled depression, PTSD, alcoholism, drugs, abusive patterns, escape and divorce, STD and cancer from a cheating husband all by the age of 32 still bore testimony of the power of Christ's atonement.  She is alone raising 4 children and still was able to share her trust and hope in finding a righteous man and having more children.  In today's world it would be easy to understand giving up but in God's world, with a testimony of the bigger plan and purpose, she is able to maintain hope for the future.

She shared the an object lesson that included the Japanese art of Kintsugi.  She brought bowls and taught of the life she has lived and though at times it felt very broken, with Christ even the broken parts are made beautiful.  He can heal us and make us even more.

I enjoyed learning about mindfulness.  It was important to remember that God wants us to have joy, even bliss.  We can slow down and prepare to receive. That receive can simply be opening our eye, our understanding to the good around us. We did a fun thing with "Be still, and know that I am God"  Aloud we did this simple exercise.  We closed our eyes and repeated these words together

Be still and know that I am God.

Be still and know that I am

Be still and know that I

Be still and know that

Be still and know

Be still

Be

Be still

Be still and know

Be still and know that

Be still and know that I

Be still and know that I am

Be still and know that I am God.

It was a beautiful way to reflect and feel God's love.

 We learned about how important it is to mindfully choose what we eat and the power we have to nourish our bodies wisely.  We brought a variety of great food and enjoyed eating together and feeding one another with the foods we made.

 We discussed how to choose overjoyed instead of overwhelmed, the power of good books with lots of recommendations.

Our final speaker spoke of walking through the threshold of fear to live your personal mission.  She share her amazing stories as well as pictures and words pictures.  As we let the light of Christ into our lives it illuminates our space, opens our understand and often helps us to see the many answers, tools, and help that is already all around us. We truly have and are given everything we need.

Be strong in vulnerability and vulnerable in strength.
Remember who I am and who's I am.
Giving forgiveness releases our focus so that we can enjoy the light.

 We also got to create something beautiful with these words

Be fearless in the pursuit of what sets your soul on fire.

This thought scared me. It made me feel like I wasn't enough. I am unsure what sets my soul on fire.  What is my passion, my mission? It has taken me several days and several conversations but  I think what gets me going, what brings out the mama bear in me is defending truth.  I want truth to prevail.  I seek it. I try to understand different points of view. I often evaluate the specific words that are said and decide if they speak truth.  I want to be real, genuine, authentic and I want my conversations and thoughts to reflect the truths I know and hold dear.  I feel a desire and a need to connect with people but I shy away from uncomfortable people and conversations. It is a tricky balance that I am learning to honor.  I reach out. I speak out. Then I return to my safe place to renew and fill up again.

I guess that filling my cup is exactly what I needed and why I enjoyed this day. A chance to hear thoughts, ideas, experiences. A chance to make new friends and connect with old. A chance to figure out how I feel and what I want to be.

A few more quotes from the program:

• If you're running on empty, then you can't give yourself. If there's nothing in the tank then everyone who's along for the ride gets stuck along side you. You need to fill yourself up first.
• An empty lamp can't shine, and neither can a drained mamma.
• Righteous women have changed the course of history and will continue to do so and their influence will spread and grow exponentially. -Julie Beck

I have a firm belief that women have a vital role in the world. I do not believe it is to compete with men. We have purpose and unique gifts.  We need to help one another recognize those gifts and we need to give generously trusting the Lord's ability to magnify and guide our efforts.

Support:
Certain Women by Linda K Burton
General conference talk by and about women
I extend to you an invitation thaat was issued once before by a Relief Society general president who said, "I invite you to not only love each other more but love eath other bette." May we realize just how much we need each other, and may we all ove one another better - Bonnie L Oscarson

Hard times, God times

Yes, every test, every trial, every challenge and hardship you endure is an opportunity to further develop your faith. (See D&C 63:11; D&C 101:4.)

 I have family members and friends that face trials.  When someone I love is having a hard time or makes a poor decision (in my opinion), my heart aches for them and for me.  I feel sad.  There seem to be many people who give up on God, who choose not to keep their covenants, who look for some other way to support the lifestyle and choices they want rather than to trust God's plan.

 I have always loved the story of Moroni and the Title of Liberty  For some reason I always thought that the Title of Liberty was a result of war with the Lamanites.  Reading this time, I realize that it was actually members of the church that no longer wanted to follow the prophet and had chosen Amalickiah to be their king in hopes of bettering their power and position. Those people who were choosing another way were angry with the believers (those who steadfastly kept covenants and followed the prophet).  Those who followed the power hungry Amalickiah were led by his flatteries.
Alma 46

8 Thus we see how quick the children of men do forget the Lord their God, yea, how quick to do iniquity, and to be led away by the evil one.

9 Yea, and we also see the great wickedness one very wicked man can cause to take place among the children of men.

10 Yea, we see that Amalickiah, because he was a man of cunning device and a man of many flattering words, that he led away the hearts of many people to do wickedly; yea, and to seek to destroy the church of God, and to destroy the foundation of liberty which God had granted unto them, or which blessing God had sent upon the face of the land for the righteous’ sake.

A dear friend of mine recently declared on Facebook her new found freedom in leaving behind gospel teachings.  She received all kinds of accolades and flatteries in the comments.  I couldn't help but think of the same kind of flatteries that were common to dissenters of this time.  The Nephite people had just been blessed with an amazing victory over the Lamanites and Zarahemna and yet these people refused to acknowledge God's help and his law.  Once again, people of our day are following a similar pattern that they think is something new and amazing and they are really following the same pattern of people in the Book of Mormon.

It is at this time that Captain Moroni rent his coat (I am pretty sure that is a sign of great sorrow and disappointment) and wrote upon it.

In memory of our God, our religion, and freedom, and our peace, our wives, and our children—and he fastened it upon the end of a pole.

I had an amazing and faith building experience listening to General Conference where I heard from the Lord's prophets and apostles.  Here I was taught to love the Lord and serve others.  Why anyone would call that evil is beyond my understanding. Moroni prayed mightily unto his God for the blessings of liberty to rest upon his brethren (all true believers of Christ).  In conference we were given the guidance and prayed for so that we, too, could remain faithful followers of Christ.

We are in a war against Satan.  He is attacking the church of Jesus Christ from the inside.  He only has power over us as we give in to him.  If we want real power, we stand with Christ. We trust in the tokens and covenants he has given us.

21 And it came to pass that when Moroni had proclaimed these words, behold, the people came running together with their armor girded about their loins, rending their garments in token, or as a covenant, that they would not forsake the Lord their God; or, in other words, if they should transgress the commandments of God, or fall into transgression, and be ashamed to take upon them the name of Christ, the Lord should rend them even as they had rent their garments.

It could be a very difficult time, and it is disappointing  to see believers fall away.  I am comforted with the words of President Russell Nelson as he explains the many times that God uses our difficulties to build us, to show us his power and the importance of trusting him and recognizing him.  Just like the story of Gideon in Judges 7 where he reduces the army down to 300, impossible odds so that there is no denying God's hand.  He promises the great posterity of Abraham to come through Sarah, an older woman who can't possibly have a baby. He sent his son to be born of a virgin, impossible.  But he told Mary

 “For with God nothing shall be impossible” (Luke 1:37).

Even in our day it is against "impossible" odds that we seek to build the kingdom of God.  It is not because of a great leader or our own efforts, it is because with God's help nothing is impossible.  It is because God can perform miracles with small and simple things, small and simple people who willingly trust the Lord, do their best, enjoy the power of grace and the atonement, and expect miracles.

Even in the midst of difficulty and trials there are regular miracles and tender mercies every step of the way.  Always so much to be thankful for and to recognize for those who seek to see the hand of God each day.

A long time ago I participated in a training where we were encouraged to choose a mission statement.  Instantly these words came to my mind. Although they were very different from everyone else's statements, they have remained a true mission statement that I embrace.

"I know who I am. I know God's plan. I follow Him in faith."

That is who I am. Who I choose to be. Who I am called to be and I will gladly stand for truth and righteous. Truth will prevail. I am a daughter of God who loves me and I love him.  He can depend on me to stay true, keep my covenants and not ever be ashamed of the gospel of Jesus Christ.  I will continue to depend on him. I will pray always. I will seek His guidance. I know I can depend on him. Together we can do anything and everything he may ask of me.  I love my Heavenly Father. I love my Savior Jesus Christ. I will follow His prophets here on the earth and I will do all in my power to raise up a righteous family.  I will love freely and confidently. I will have faith, hope and charity.

I know that though times are hard, God can use those times to refine me and purify me and make me more of what he sees in me.  It is those hard times that I come to truly know God.

I want to remember these great reference when I am needing strength and courage, also from President Nelson's talk.

A third theme in the scriptures requisite for significant accomplishment is difficult to summarize in one word, so I shall link two to describe it—strength and courage. Repeatedly, scriptures yoke these attributes of character together, especially when difficult challenges are to be conquered (see Deut. 31:6, 7, 23; Josh. 1:6, 7, 9, 18; Josh. 10:25; 1 Chr. 22:13; 1 Chr. 28:20; 2 Chr. 32:7; Ps. 27:14; Ps. 31:24; Alma 43:43; Alma 53:20).

I keep finding more help in understanding hard times or times when we get confused or discouraged.  Here are some more ideas.

• Approaching the Throne of God with Confidence
• Jody Moore forgiveness podcast
• Do we trust Him? Hard is good.

More Easter fun

Because we had sick kids we postponed some of this Bunny fun until a week later.  Here are some fun highlights of our catapulting peeps, Easter egg hunt and family time. 

We filled eggs with candy and with loose change.  Money was the more popular with the kids but candy for their parents.

so bad

There is nothing so bad that complaining about it ... won't make it worse.

I have been complaining.  It is an interesting balance to be real and honest; and to not complain.  It's something I want to figure out.  Friday in my complaining I actually brought someone else comfort.  I was asking about someone who seemed a bit bossy and harsh and maybe overworked and trying hard.  I asked who she was and started to explain that I can be a bit of a rebel. 

I don't like to be told what to do. I don't mind being asked and I will usually comply but don't tell me or my loved ones what to do!  Then I said, "Like the fireman.  He comes to check things out, is helpful. He comes back the next day explaining that he won't send me a bill but he could write me a citation but...he won't do that either.  Although I need to do this, this and this. 

It felt like a veiled threat.  It is interesting to me that I can be polite and understanding in the moment but later I rehash it and get really bothered by the whole thing.  It''s silly.  It's past.  Being bothered won't serve me and won't teach them. 

Here is the interesting part.  In sharing my crazy with an acquaintance/friend she laughs and thanks me for being human,  It was actually an opportunity to connect, to get a glimpse of the "natural woman" in me that I have to control and overcome.

So it seems to me that a little complaining or "telling it like it is" is a chance to be real and connect with someone.  The danger is that it could turn into a whole pity party of "Yeah well . . ." and it is not lifting anyone. 

Luckily we didn't go that way.  We laughed.  We shared a moment and we moved on in supporting our kids and having a good time.  As I ponder on the shift I realize that there really was a shift.  I mentally choose to keep it light and to share ending with hope and gratitude. 

So now I believe that the trick to being real is not sharing our dirty laundry with each other, airing out our grievances, comparing sob stories, but it is admitting that we do have laundry.  We have hard times but we survive them and learn to be grateful for the journey.  It seems to be essential that we always come back to faith and hope.  We need to guard, actively guard, against fear and pulling others down.

My daughter is reading Pollyanna for school. It is a perfect reminder of the power we have to choose what we see.  We can play the glad game.  I can be thankful. I can find something in everything to be thankful for because I am a daughter of God. I can seek to understand an eternal perspective. 

As we studied about Joseph in Egypt during Sunday School today we looked at his afflictions.  He remained true and faithful but that did not keep him from having afflictions.  There were plenty of times that he most likely resigned to where he was and made the most of it, saw things get better, and then saw it all tumble down and become worse until it finally became much better.  Once he looked back he could honestly say that God was in it. God had brought him to Egypt and used him to prepare a way for the Egyptians and the Israelites to survive a famine. Because he kept trusting God even when the obvious plan kept changing, he was in a place to be an instrument in God's hands. 

Who knows but we are here for such a time as this?  Who knows what our tailored education and preparation looks like and what it is preparing us to be and do? I don't know why I go through stuff that I really don't enjoy but if I play the glad game, if I exercise faith then whether it is because I was stupid or someone else was stupid, or it is just "stuff" that happens, God can use it for my good and his glory. 

How cool it that?!

So one more thought.  Today we partook of the sacrament.  We ate a tiny piece of bread and a swallow of water.  That's it.  It was also fast Sunday so otherwise we were going without food or drink for 24 hours.  That little bit of bread and water hardly helped change the hunger in anyone.  I remember as a child being excited to get the bread and the water because it was bread and water and wishing I could have more.  As an adult I have learned that it is not the bread or the water that matters.  It is what it represents.  It has been blessed through priesthood power to represent the body and the blood of my Savior Jesus Christ.  It carries with it every week a covenant to always remember him and that he will be with me.  It is a renewing of all my covenants (2 way promises). It offers me strength, courage, power, and love.  Being bread and water is just a symbol of the Bread of Life and the Living Water.  Maybe our experiences and our afflictions are not just experience and affliction.  Maybe they, too, represent something so much bigger.  An opportunity to learn, to trust God, to lean on Him, to turn to Him, to rely on his arm. They give us a chance to evaluate what has value, where our priorities are and even a chance to play the glad game.  We have a chance to recognize the many things that we can be thankful for. I know there are many and when we choose to see the good - we find it.  Seek and ye shall find.  We may not get to see the whole picture but when we choose to have faith and to act in faith then fear cannot exist.  When we are looking for the good it is hard to be scared. It is easier to trust, to move forward, to love much, and to feel His love and see it in our lives.

Spring!

So grateful to have warmer weather, life returning to our city and the fun of kids and Easter.

 We had a few kids over to decorate Easter eggs.  They sure are efficient with a white or yellow crayons and then food coloring and vinegar with boiling water.  It worked beautifully.

 We had a park day with extended family.  Seemed like the warmest day yet and we loved spending it in the sunshine with family.

 Bubble machine, food and visiting

 Then the best of the week was the crowning event of General Conference with a solemn assembly, new apostles announced as well as plenty of other changes in priesthood quorums and in ministering.

 General conference was a treat to enjoy with my family.  Sim was still sick but he did his best.  I loved having each of them stand with their quorums as part of the solemn assembly.  This picture was on Saturday but Isaac still dressed up and sat up.

 This creative girl made some sort of goop that is fun to stretch and play with.  It kept her more alert.

 I took to some crocheting.  Sometimes my notes are not that beneficial.  I love reading and marking the talks later and sometimes when I want just listen, some simple handwork works best.

 I have lived in my town for 18 years and never hiked up to the "M" but I got invited to do so on Monday morning.  It was on a time constraint so we hussled.  It was amazing and beautiful with great hiking companions (Elise and kids and Laurie B).  I am grateful to have done it.  The trick now is that Elise says Monday is M day so we need to hike it every Monday.  Its Saturday and the soreness is gone so I guess I should be fine in 2 days to try it again :)

Usually for our Easter tree I gather apple branches. This year Milt made them all into mulch so I went after the lilac bush.  They greened up with lots of spring green leaves but no sign of blossoms. I love the reminder of The Living Christ, new life in the spring and beauty everywhere.

Projects are in earnest at Peter's house with lots of improvement and potential and especially experience for my boys in building.

We are also excited to see this car leave the front yard.  It has been through plenty owners, miles, and repairs and is finally permanently retired.

I want to also share that my front yard has bikes and bikes jumps out front all the time.  I had a sister drop off table cloths and tell me how much it brightens her day to see my yard and the boy fun that is obviously taking place.  She misses it and her adult son is too protective to ever let his boys play this way.  I do believe in lots of outdoor time and even letting them try something a little exciting, new, and just a little dangerous.

The Jordan River Temple renovations are finally complete and we got to go inside and see all the beautiful improvements at the open house.  Elise's family joined us.  I loved seeing my kids pair up with her's and help them through with reverent explanations and  pointing out the beauty as they discovered it.

bus ride to temple

Isaac, Simeon
Debbie, Elise, Jack
Nellie, Lucy, and Josh

Me and my eternal companion

my boys

me with Nellie and Debbie

We had a difficult battle with the flu this year. We have been blessed to avoid most of the stuff that goes around each year but something went through my kids and took its own sweet time.  Simeon keeps saying how glad he is to feel good again. He was down the most but all 3 got it.

The kids have also been having fun singing and dancing.

Debbie is in the white hat and Sim is wearing black suspenders.

They got to do a short audition video for a performing arts camp that had a song clip and a monologue.  Sim shared this for his monologue (see below).  I really liked it and the song he choose (Proud of Your Boy from Aladdin). Debbie did Journey to the Past from Anastasia (celebrating family and home) and "I've got a person in my closet" from Tangled.

The Muppet Movie: Kermit " Yeah, well, I've got a dream too. But it's about singing and dancing and making people happy. That's the kind of dream that gets better the more people you share it with. And, well, I've found a whole bunch of friends who have the same dream. And, well, it kind of makes us like a family. You have anyone like that, Hopper? I mean, once you get all those restaurants, who are you gonna share it with? Who are your friends, Doc? Those guys? ...I don't think you're a bad man, Doc. And I think if you look in your heart, you'll find you really want to let me and my friends go to follow our dream. But if that's not the kind of man you are and if what I'm saying doesn't make any sense to you, well, then, go ahead and kill me."

practice drill

I had an early morning wake up.  At 5:30am I heard an alarm going off.  I tried to ignore it thinking it was my son's and he would turn it off.  I finally got up and found that it was actually coming from the basement CO detector.  Unsure what to do I got my 17 yo son up and asked him to check it and the fire.  The fire did not do well last night and was out.  We opened doors, windows, called my husband who is traveling.  His phone went straight to voice mail.  Called my son who is traveling with him and finally talked to someone. We took down the detector and checked for batteries.  This one doesn't do batteries. We finally called 911 and had 2 fire trucks out front.

They came in with lights spinning around the neighborhood but decided it was not necessary.  We had dressed and come out to the car, dropped Sim off at the temple for baptisms and kept the car going to stay warm.

They sent in to firemen to check the house.  They did a thorough check throughout the house and came back saying all is clear.  That leaves me with some wonderings as to what I am suppose to do to make sure we really are safe.  They checked our detector and said it looked like a good one and to call them again if it goes off again.  Basically that means they're done worrying.  Now its up to us to figure out if there is/was/will be a problem, if we are fine and I don't even know what else I should worry about or check on.  CO is not flammable so we started up our fires around the house and are still trying to warm up.  So far we all seem to be ok.  I have a worse cough than usual and it sometimes becomes violent enough that I think I could throw up but no such luck.  Maybe it is just the power of suggestion.

I am feeling very grateful that we heard the alarm, that my family was able to evacuate and stay calm. I am grateful that I was able to get the emergency help I needed.  I am grateful that we got to practice an emergency situation without having anything go very wrong.  Some things I want to figure out

1. What should I dress in when I don't know if I will be allowed back in the house for hours or more?  (I should have grabbed a heavier coat and my glasses). I even thought about which bra I wanted and if I should wear sweats and be comfy or have some real cloths in case I am not allowed back in for a long time.
2. We should sleep with our doors closed so that a gas is less able to come into our bedrooms.
3. We should get more than just the one detector
4. Maybe we should have grabbed our 72 hour kits (just in case, for good practice)
5. I did think to grab my phone and purse just in case.
6. I should clean my house better every night.  I had strangers and friends (the firemen) wandering every room and closet in my house.  There are some simple things that I could take care of each night and there is the fact that we wouldn't want to have any tripping or injury hazards if we have to get out in the dark.
7. Our furnace area is hard to find.  Is there something I should do to help strangers know where to look?
8. I did realize that our family memories and important documents were not in danger but I did think about the fact that if they were, what would I take?

We all spent several more hours after the "all clear" being out of the house.  If felt right to come back slowly.  It has been 7 hours since that first alarm and nothing else has given us cause to be concerned.  We will hope for the best and I am learning more about carbon monoxide.

accused

Yestesday was rough.  I am learning that it is about perspective.

I received a phone call from a friend who was very angry. She lit into me telling me what a horrible son I had, how dumb and mean all the boys in our town are, how her son was hard working, decent and treated unfairly.

I just listened. She cried. I said I was sorry. I couldn't hold back tears either.  I am super uncomfortable with conflict.  This felt like a direct attack and I didn't know what to do about it.  I have learned to be quiet. Let them have their say and then just give it time.

Unfortunately, though I had serious doubts about her accusations I was hurt and cried a lot.  That tends to upset my family.  By the time this sweet son got home he could tell I was very sad.  As I told him about the call I had received his eyes teared up and with them rolling down his cheek he said I wish I knew what I did wrong.

So here is the story.

The mom tells me that her son, who never gets invited anywhere and just earn money to buy a nice bike so he could be "in", saw my son and his friends.  He headed over to join them, crashed. My son came to him and said, "wow, that was cool" and then started to make fun of him.  All those other boys also came over and made fun of him. Teased him for wearing boots and jeans and a knife on his belt.  Left him to limp home hurt and alone, again.  She was now putting him back together physically and emotionally. She told me my son and my daughter were not nice people. (my daughter was not there).

As I talked to Simeon, his understanding was very different.  They were out biking. They saw this friend and they all headed towards each other.  When the friend crashed they did go over to him. They did say cool. (That is what they do. They compliment the wipe out, they laugh with the boy, it is much more comfortable than coddling and often if they can laugh through the pain they all feel better about mistakes and trying again.).  Sim invited the boy to come riding with them.  He just left the other direction and went home.  None of the boys had any idea that this friend was offended or hurt or sad.

Now what?

We prayed. We gathered up all the other boys and headed to this friend's house.  He welcomed us in.  I could see no visible injuries (which might be why the boys just asked him to join them rather than escorting him home).  We asked the friend to speak first and share what he experienced.  It was nothing as bad as the mom had described.  They boys talked, laughed, shared some of their embarrassing wipe outs. Admitted that they had all ridden in boots and jeans and the danger of having a knife on your belt from first hand experience.

The fact of the matter is that this mom is feeling lonely. The boys are not leaving her son out on purpose. They don't even get together very often. He is free to call them as well. Unfortunately she wouldn't see that the way the boys handled his wreck was actually a very inclusive 'you're one of us' way of dealing with it.  It was a way to help a guy save face.

It occurred to me last night as we were headed to bed that this poor mom is like an injured animal that is hurting and is quick to lash out, to assume that others are out to get her and her family.  It hurt me a lot but I can't really be mad at her.  I got to be her landing spot, her safe place to vent.  Hopefully it helped.

One day she will be ready to learn that these are all good boys.  She will learn that they are not given special privilege because of their name. They had to earn their own bikes too. They work and study and struggle. Someday when she learns some of the very real and difficult challenges these boys are working through with other friends, she might be very grateful that her boy is just lonely and not cutting himself or suicidal.

Someday.

We all have so much we are dealing with.  It is not a competition to see whose life is hardest. We each have our own tailor made life education. It is part of building relationships, building character, practicing courage and kindness. It is especially a chance to repent and to forgive.  We get to learn to love and trust by trial and error. We get hurt. We learn to see the good in every situation (or we just learn that God can find the good, create the good, use it all for our good and his glory)  It would be well to remember that we are all hurting and to just be patient when someone needs to let off some steam.  Somehow I will learn not to take it personally.  Already I am forgiving. I realize that truth wins.  Even if my son had done something wrong, we could learn from it.  This time he did right, very right.  I am so very proud of his tender heart and his courage to move forward in the face of wrongful accusations and try to make things better.

We just don't know what is going on with anyone else.  We don't know what silent battles they are fighting.  Just the other day as I found myself loosing patience with my daughter I found this little reminder that she is a sweet, kind, little girl who is just figuring out the growing up thing. She leaves evidence everywhere of her desire to be happy and bring joy to others. Seek and ye shall find.

What matters in life is not what happens to you but what you remember and how you remember it. I choose to remember that a friend was hurting and we became more aware and were able to be there to help them when they were falling, a safe place to land those punches. Then we can all heal and move forward. This is me. This is us. We are doing the best we know how and we will trust that you are too.

Today I added names to the prayer roll at the temple and added my own additional prayer.  Then I found this article very comforting.  May I Pray for You?