Paint Night for Valentine's Day

 

We each painted our own version of a red truck.  We shared treats, watch a youtube video and followed instructions. We were on limited time and had to keep things moving. I am amazed at how well they all turned out.

Baby Fredrick got to come

Milt and I

William and Natalie

John and Elise

Peter and Rachel

Bike Race. General Conference and finally being still

 We enjoyed a fantastic day in Richfield at the regional bike race. Simeon and Debbie are both high school racers this year. Debbie had her best race going from 43 to 23.  Simeon did great placing at 21.  They sure love racing but also they love the atmosphere and comradery of the team and the races.  

It was also General Conference.  We got to the course early and decided to fill some empty volunteer spots.  Milt and I both volunteered as course marshals. That is where we get to your assigned spot and just sit with a radio and cheer on the riders.  It seemed like an ideal place to put my earphones in and listen to conference.  But it did not work.  The cell service was way too week and I could not listen. I pleaded with Heavenly Father to make it work. I would see 3 bars then 1.  I eventually got maybe 1-2 minutes and it was gone.  I realized that I would just have to wait.  I was a little sad but it was a beautiful day and I learned how to be a course marshal.  

By the time the kids finally realized we needed to go, I had listen a little to the afternoon session of conference.  It is crazy but I just got angry. I was disappointed with them. I felt like the over-the-mark social distancing and masks that was shown, talked about, demonstrated at conference was surely not sincere.  From everything I have heard this pandemic Covid 19 is not as dangerous or deadly as first supposed.  It is also not as quick to spread.  Are the church leaders just trying to be super politically correct? or is the information that I receive not true?  Is there something more to this than anyone is telling? or is it just a way to isolate people, weaken relationships, desensitize humans to one another and make us all feel like we ourselves are a major danger to everyone else?  I was angry and questioning if there is any revelation in this overreaching government mandates, kowtowing to any government whim in the name of 'good global citizens' and not encouraging people to seek answers and act accordingly.  The example set does not match anything in the world I live in.  Why?

There were tears as I questioned my beliefs, my obedience.  I know my Father lives and love me. I know I have a savior, Jesus Christ. I have felt the Holy Ghost teach and comfort me.  I will never turn on them so why so angry? Have I been doing it all wrong? Am I suppose to hunker down at home and ignore people, responsibilities, callings? Should we cancel all ministering assignments? Is it wrong to think we should continue watch care? Are there some real lessons I have missed because I chose to take the risk of living and loving?  Ultimately should I be staying home, avoiding ward council, sacrament meeting, visiting people, welcoming my family into my home, greeting people even if I am in a mask?

Now on Sunday morning I got up early.  I started making cinnamon rolls and cheesy eggs and listening to Saturday morning session of General Conference.  Finally I am feeling the love of God again. I am being reminded that he is award of me. In fact so much so that I am receiving witness after witness that I am still being guided.  I cleaned out my food room yesterday and I am in good shape. I had my stake relief society very kindly call me out on my less than Christlike attitude. I have wondered if we are alone, how things can ever work out and I was reminded that there are more with us than against us.  After just one hour, I needed to just feel the truths of what had been shared. I got to be still with my thoughts and my tears and trade feelings of anger for feelings of gratitude and hope.  

I am feeling very grateful for living prophets and apostles, leaders who are having similar experiences and especially for the Holy Ghost.  He teaches me, is patient with my learn curve and gets me the answers I need when I need them.  I don't think I would have got nearly as much out of the first hour of conference if I had been able to access it during the race.  Instead, my loving Father in Heaven orchestrated it so I could have the best experience for me.  I am truly grateful and looking forward to cinnamon rolls and conference all day today.

hope and charity

 

My prayers are being answered, and may I say it is a little uncomfortable.  I knew I was not happy ( I have been quite frustrated and negative and angry for months) but when my leader called me (who happens to be my sil also) and lovingly shared what she thought I needed to be reminded about, I heard "You are angry and it is obvious".  I knew I was fighting for peace, seeking for understanding, hoping for strength and charity.  It was this conversation that so many other experiences prepared me for.  Something inside me switched.  There was some embarrassment, regret.  But there is also a new found reliance on the Spirit.  

I have returned to my fervent prayers and am recognizing the steps that have led me to have a change of heart.  I am a new person. I had been journaling, listening to uplifting podcasts, started a prayer journal and using my closet as my war room/prayer space.  For some reason it needed to be a process.  I need to go through a journey so that I can recognize the change in me.  

The change feels like light and hope and peace. I feel joy again and gratitude.  My thought process is more of how can this be changed for good or seen as good rather than why is this so dumb. I want to figure out solutions rather than complain about the problem.  It is so amazing and I want to hang on to this change of heart.  I feel like I have experienced a personal miracle. I feel loved. I have a great desire to repent, to be close to God and to love others.

Yesterday I apologized to some people I would love to call dear friends.  I get to work with them in my calling and I have been so frustrated at the lack of unity I feel. It had been more a sense of duty and just do what we have to and no more.  I now understand the problem was me.  It is a bit humbling.  I have a desire to be good, to show up in a righteous way, but for a while there I apparently just couldn't get there.  I needed divine help. When the time was right, that is what I received - divine help and a change of heart. Maybe the journey was also a part of the divine help I needed because there have been prayers, fasting, blessings along the way.

So now I am trying to do all I can to nurture this beautiful seed that has been planted.  I am trying to repent more often, pray for more people by name that I get to be with or am concerned about. Ask forgiveness from heaven and earth. I am recognizing when good and happy thoughts come to my mind and I am cherishing them. Because I spent so much time with the negative, I can now more clearly feel and see the positive and I want to compare and choose this new way, to choose charity.  

As light enters my heart and mind I feel hope. I feel a hope I have been missing for a while.  I don't have all the answers to many of my questions but I am finding hope and that brings me peace. I am learning to trust God and the good he plants in my heart. After all, charity never fails and charity is what I really want.

Missing Peace

As I spent a morning praying, pondering and seeking answers to my questions about relationships with my family, extended family, friends, leaders, presidency, RS sisters, I am realizing that I need to clean up my inner vessel.  I need and want to better remember who I am, why I am here, and how to hear the promptings of the Holy Ghost.  I want to be cheerful, kind, thoughtful. I want all of that to come from inside. I want to see the good in others, trust that they are doing their best and figure out what my best can and should look like.

I experience some major mood swings and too often am nit picky and critical of others.  That is not how I want to show up. I have not felt united with the Saints but divided in so many ways and am quick to doubt the value of attending sacrament meeting or having any meetings. I am concerned about the spin on COVID 19 and restrictions and masks and losing our freedoms, our ability to connect as humans, our health mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.  It is hard at times to see the hope or know what I can do to stand for truth and defend liberty. I am tired of being reminded that "these are interesting (difficult, challenging) times".  I know that. I want answers.

I watched this video this morning.  I am reminded that meeting together, even in masks, might still be helping one another.  I am reminded that one way to fight for right is to worship and partake of the sacrament. That no matter how many ridiculous restrictions, the church will go forward.




I am also listening to Because of Christ on Calvary by Brad Wilcox.  He says after Jesus fed the 5000 many followed him for free food. "He tried to lift their vision and expand their desires... Jesus said I am the bread of life. He that cometh to me shall never hunger." The people rejected the spiritual bread.

My thought is that right now I have the chance, the choice to choose Jesus.  Was attending church fully a bit of being given bread and fish? Do I have more responsibility and invitation to come to Christ not just come to church?  Am I about loving his children or being seen as doing my calling? Will he help me see what I need to be doing or doing less? How do I increase discernment? How do I hear him and more fully follow him, depend on him. recognize him, trust that he is taking care of things?

I too often feel not heard.  I wish there was a way to have these conversations with people I know and love but maybe I need to converse more with my Heavenly Father. 

Maybe it starts with counting my blessings.

Copper

 Copper is a copper colored standard poodle. A treasured and loved member of the Van O family. He was just reaching adulthood. He was hit and killed by a car tonight.  My heart is sad as I had a front row seat to the mourning of this dear little family.  

Elise is heart broken.  She was so proud of this sweet, well behaved, kindhearted dog. She called after being told that someone thought it was her dog on the highway.  He was already gone. Another hit and run. Her husband out of town and her children home waiting, she called her dad.  It was after he left that I felt the need to be there too.  I pray that a mother's hug can still bring comfort to adult children because she is still my little girl and oh how I want to relieve the pain for her and her sweet family.  

I took her home to deliver the news.  I watched as she hugged her 11 yo son and they both cried together. He had been out walking Copper when he took off.  They were pals. He is taking it hard.

We went inside to the other 3 kids to explain that Copper was gone.  Hugs and tears. Having to be so specific so the 3 year old could understand.  Lucy sobbing in her mom's arms without understand why she was so sad.  Nellie thoughtfully pulled out a photo book and shared a favorite picture of Copper. Josh laying sick on the couch with a fever tried to do what he could.

They said goodbye to Copper and then circled in family prayer.  Nellie said the prayer. I was so amazed and grateful for her gratitude and faith.  She thanked Heavenly Father for all the fun they had with Copper and that he got to be their dog.

Grandpa gave both Jack and Josh blessings, one of comfort and one of healing.  They have plans to bury him tomorrow up the mountain at a place they can visit again.  The healing process may take a while, especially for my Elise. I pray they may all find comfort and peace, forgiveness and patience as they seek answers and more forward. 

He and Grandpa found a sweet spot up the mountain as Copper's final resting place.

Zoramites, and how I relate

So the Zoramites were a group of people in the Book of Mormon.  They had been members of the church but evil had come into their lives.  They worshiped in an odd manner that promoted pride, elitism and selfishness with no accountability for anything they chose to do.  Obviously not everyone was welcome or elite enough, if they did not have fine clothes, they were unclean, filthy .... They were told they were not welcome in the synagogues. They could not pray. This is when Alma and Amulek came to visit.  They were saddened by the evil they saw but they also saw the outcasts. They found the humble and teachable who wanted to worship but had not been allowed.  They were taught that they could pray and worship and grow in faith - right where they were. They were taught to plant the seed of faith.

It occurred to me that I may be in a similar place.  We are not allowed to worship in our temples or our churches. But our leaders already were teaching us to be home centered, to rely on personal revelation.  We are told that we are unclean, we might be carrying a germ.  Alma saw the limitations as reason to rejoice. The people had been humbled and prepared to hear the Lord and his prophet.

  

I am wondering if I am being prepared. 

I am wondering if I am truly humble yet so that I might be lifted up.  That I might be ready to receive the instructions of how to plant the good seed, nurture it, partake of the fruit that can be mine.

There is a good chance I have lots to learn and more humbling ahead of me. I would rather humble myself but I do need to be compelled to be humble too.  Either way, I pray that I am finding ways to be strong, steadfast and immovable, to love my Savior and my neighbor. 

Please may I be quick to forgive and to be forgiven.  

Please may I remember that it is God that I answer to and to let the worlds opinions not be so loud.

Please may I feel the love and grace daily that I need.

I went to church

The fact that I went to church was a big decision for me.  It has been an effort of prayer, study, asking my leaders and talking to people.  I live in Utah.  I am an active member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  I have a leadership position.  I choose to follow my leaders with the belief that they are guided in their callings by the Lord. When they ask me to do something, I assume they have prayerfully considered the request.  

Recently we received an email requesting that we wear masks when we are in public.  This sits wrong with me.  From the things I have read, wearing a mask does not protect everyone around you or you if you don't have the right one and know how to do it right. It does not keep us safe. Never in the history of our free nation has the government mandated what they consider to be health choices on all its people.  I have struggled with the wisdom of the CDC and WHO as they have shut down countries, economies, churches, and people in the name of the greater good.  That greater good is the chance that someone might get sick. The chance that this someone might already have challenges that would make getting sick extra hard for them.  Those chances have always existed.  The risk has always been part of living in our world.  Things could happen - illness, accident, crime.  Wouldn't it be great if the government could control all risks but that is not what is right or best for anyone.  I don't want anyone to suffer or get sick but I see the shut downs and the masks as contributing to many more problems than it is helping.

I see people feeling alone, forgotten, desperate for people, connection, peace.  I hear of increases in economic struggles, domestic violence, weight gain, weaker immune systems because of isolating and the added stress of so many things they are no longer free to choose.  I hear of people afraid to get the medical help they need. Others being told to wait for the help they need while we wait for covid test results. I hear of  increased child abuse and sex trafficking.  I hear of people tired and needing a cause that are jumping into riots and lawlessness. The cost of relieving the anxiety of a few who are scared of getting sick is huge and I don't feel like it is recognized.

With all of that on my mind, I was grateful when we were told that in June we could start going to church.  We could only go every other week for 45 minutes and then they would disinfect the church so the next small group could have a turn. Wear a mask if you choose.  We were told you can come but if you are over 65 or feel uncomfortable for any reason coming to church, just stay home.  But if you stay home you are no longer authorized to have the sacrament at home. (That is up to the bishop who can decide if your reason for staying might merit the same as the past 'home bound' status.)  

I am confused.  I want to be a covenant keeping daughter of God.  I want to do what is right but 'right' is not clearly defined.  Is it better to just stay home? Is it better to go to church? I have decided that wearing a mask will be my outward sign of my inward commitment to follow Christ and his chosen leaders.  I will do what I can to be a good citizen, to obey the laws of the land. 

 

I live in a small community.  They lump us together in several counties to get a count of Covid.  It is minimal and I do not personally know anyone that has it.  My own daughter says she would like to get it so we can just move forward.  I understand it is not pleasant and can be dangerous for some. It can have some lingering effects of no smell or taste.  I don't want to be sick and I don't want other people to be sick. We willingly did all we could to flatten the curve.  We continued to help stop the spread. It feels like now the powers that be are trying to save face. Maybe it is not a pandemic after all. That things are not as dangerous or bad as they thought. The idea that we should social distance and wear masks indefinitely seems dangerous and ill advised.  We can't avoid all illness.  We eventually have to face the risk and move forward.  I believe there is a good chance that those who are extra careful, wear masks all day and avoid any chance of germs are weakening their whole system.  Wearing a mask, breathing shallow, limiting oxygen seems to be the exact opposite of what a person ought to be doing to be strong enough to survive the virus.  

With all that in mind, my debate about going to church in a mask became forefront in my thoughts.  Is it more responsible to go or to stay home?  I was leaning towards going simply because I am a leader but that felt fake.  I reached out to some of my sisters that I minister to, just to check in with them over the phone.  They each said that they looked forward to seeing me at church.  I decided that maybe there is still some way to support one another by just being in the same room (with a mask and being told to not visit but leave quickly) .  If it helps someone feel connection and a little less lonely then I am grateful and willing.  I dressed up in a new dress, wore heels as a mental reminder that I am putting on my Sunday best. Found a mask and went to church.  

It was hard to sing but when my son got down on his knees with his mask to bless the sacrament, I felt the spirit. I knew at that point that the only reason I was there was to renew my covenants with my Savior. I want to always have His spirit to be with me. I want to always remember Him.  I want to be a useful part of His kingdom.  How to be useful is getting fuzzier all the time but I hope and pray that he will know the desires of my heart, comfort me, guide me, through grace give me the courage and strength to continue on, seek truth, repent often and come closer to him.

This was my Sunday best.  I did it.  (the one on the right)  I am very grateful to have felt the spirit. Once again I am reminded that God is willing to have a personal relationship with me.  It is fine tuned in such a way that going to church so I can have the sacrament is a very personal experience and he cares about me. Ultimately that is what matters.  Come what may.