Missing Peace

As I spent a morning praying, pondering and seeking answers to my questions about relationships with my family, extended family, friends, leaders, presidency, RS sisters, I am realizing that I need to clean up my inner vessel.  I need and want to better remember who I am, why I am here, and how to hear the promptings of the Holy Ghost.  I want to be cheerful, kind, thoughtful. I want all of that to come from inside. I want to see the good in others, trust that they are doing their best and figure out what my best can and should look like.

I experience some major mood swings and too often am nit picky and critical of others.  That is not how I want to show up. I have not felt united with the Saints but divided in so many ways and am quick to doubt the value of attending sacrament meeting or having any meetings. I am concerned about the spin on COVID 19 and restrictions and masks and losing our freedoms, our ability to connect as humans, our health mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.  It is hard at times to see the hope or know what I can do to stand for truth and defend liberty. I am tired of being reminded that "these are interesting (difficult, challenging) times".  I know that. I want answers.

I watched this video this morning.  I am reminded that meeting together, even in masks, might still be helping one another.  I am reminded that one way to fight for right is to worship and partake of the sacrament. That no matter how many ridiculous restrictions, the church will go forward.




I am also listening to Because of Christ on Calvary by Brad Wilcox.  He says after Jesus fed the 5000 many followed him for free food. "He tried to lift their vision and expand their desires... Jesus said I am the bread of life. He that cometh to me shall never hunger." The people rejected the spiritual bread.

My thought is that right now I have the chance, the choice to choose Jesus.  Was attending church fully a bit of being given bread and fish? Do I have more responsibility and invitation to come to Christ not just come to church?  Am I about loving his children or being seen as doing my calling? Will he help me see what I need to be doing or doing less? How do I increase discernment? How do I hear him and more fully follow him, depend on him. recognize him, trust that he is taking care of things?

I too often feel not heard.  I wish there was a way to have these conversations with people I know and love but maybe I need to converse more with my Heavenly Father. 

Maybe it starts with counting my blessings.

Copper

 Copper is a copper colored standard poodle. A treasured and loved member of the Van O family. He was just reaching adulthood. He was hit and killed by a car tonight.  My heart is sad as I had a front row seat to the mourning of this dear little family.  

Elise is heart broken.  She was so proud of this sweet, well behaved, kindhearted dog. She called after being told that someone thought it was her dog on the highway.  He was already gone. Another hit and run. Her husband out of town and her children home waiting, she called her dad.  It was after he left that I felt the need to be there too.  I pray that a mother's hug can still bring comfort to adult children because she is still my little girl and oh how I want to relieve the pain for her and her sweet family.  

I took her home to deliver the news.  I watched as she hugged her 11 yo son and they both cried together. He had been out walking Copper when he took off.  They were pals. He is taking it hard.

We went inside to the other 3 kids to explain that Copper was gone.  Hugs and tears. Having to be so specific so the 3 year old could understand.  Lucy sobbing in her mom's arms without understand why she was so sad.  Nellie thoughtfully pulled out a photo book and shared a favorite picture of Copper. Josh laying sick on the couch with a fever tried to do what he could.

They said goodbye to Copper and then circled in family prayer.  Nellie said the prayer. I was so amazed and grateful for her gratitude and faith.  She thanked Heavenly Father for all the fun they had with Copper and that he got to be their dog.

Grandpa gave both Jack and Josh blessings, one of comfort and one of healing.  They have plans to bury him tomorrow up the mountain at a place they can visit again.  The healing process may take a while, especially for my Elise. I pray they may all find comfort and peace, forgiveness and patience as they seek answers and more forward. 

He and Grandpa found a sweet spot up the mountain as Copper's final resting place.

Zoramites, and how I relate

So the Zoramites were a group of people in the Book of Mormon.  They had been members of the church but evil had come into their lives.  They worshiped in an odd manner that promoted pride, elitism and selfishness with no accountability for anything they chose to do.  Obviously not everyone was welcome or elite enough, if they did not have fine clothes, they were unclean, filthy .... They were told they were not welcome in the synagogues. They could not pray. This is when Alma and Amulek came to visit.  They were saddened by the evil they saw but they also saw the outcasts. They found the humble and teachable who wanted to worship but had not been allowed.  They were taught that they could pray and worship and grow in faith - right where they were. They were taught to plant the seed of faith.

It occurred to me that I may be in a similar place.  We are not allowed to worship in our temples or our churches. But our leaders already were teaching us to be home centered, to rely on personal revelation.  We are told that we are unclean, we might be carrying a germ.  Alma saw the limitations as reason to rejoice. The people had been humbled and prepared to hear the Lord and his prophet.

  

I am wondering if I am being prepared. 

I am wondering if I am truly humble yet so that I might be lifted up.  That I might be ready to receive the instructions of how to plant the good seed, nurture it, partake of the fruit that can be mine.

There is a good chance I have lots to learn and more humbling ahead of me. I would rather humble myself but I do need to be compelled to be humble too.  Either way, I pray that I am finding ways to be strong, steadfast and immovable, to love my Savior and my neighbor. 

Please may I be quick to forgive and to be forgiven.  

Please may I remember that it is God that I answer to and to let the worlds opinions not be so loud.

Please may I feel the love and grace daily that I need.

I went to church

The fact that I went to church was a big decision for me.  It has been an effort of prayer, study, asking my leaders and talking to people.  I live in Utah.  I am an active member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  I have a leadership position.  I choose to follow my leaders with the belief that they are guided in their callings by the Lord. When they ask me to do something, I assume they have prayerfully considered the request.  

Recently we received an email requesting that we wear masks when we are in public.  This sits wrong with me.  From the things I have read, wearing a mask does not protect everyone around you or you if you don't have the right one and know how to do it right. It does not keep us safe. Never in the history of our free nation has the government mandated what they consider to be health choices on all its people.  I have struggled with the wisdom of the CDC and WHO as they have shut down countries, economies, churches, and people in the name of the greater good.  That greater good is the chance that someone might get sick. The chance that this someone might already have challenges that would make getting sick extra hard for them.  Those chances have always existed.  The risk has always been part of living in our world.  Things could happen - illness, accident, crime.  Wouldn't it be great if the government could control all risks but that is not what is right or best for anyone.  I don't want anyone to suffer or get sick but I see the shut downs and the masks as contributing to many more problems than it is helping.

I see people feeling alone, forgotten, desperate for people, connection, peace.  I hear of increases in economic struggles, domestic violence, weight gain, weaker immune systems because of isolating and the added stress of so many things they are no longer free to choose.  I hear of people afraid to get the medical help they need. Others being told to wait for the help they need while we wait for covid test results. I hear of  increased child abuse and sex trafficking.  I hear of people tired and needing a cause that are jumping into riots and lawlessness. The cost of relieving the anxiety of a few who are scared of getting sick is huge and I don't feel like it is recognized.

With all of that on my mind, I was grateful when we were told that in June we could start going to church.  We could only go every other week for 45 minutes and then they would disinfect the church so the next small group could have a turn. Wear a mask if you choose.  We were told you can come but if you are over 65 or feel uncomfortable for any reason coming to church, just stay home.  But if you stay home you are no longer authorized to have the sacrament at home. (That is up to the bishop who can decide if your reason for staying might merit the same as the past 'home bound' status.)  

I am confused.  I want to be a covenant keeping daughter of God.  I want to do what is right but 'right' is not clearly defined.  Is it better to just stay home? Is it better to go to church? I have decided that wearing a mask will be my outward sign of my inward commitment to follow Christ and his chosen leaders.  I will do what I can to be a good citizen, to obey the laws of the land. 

 

I live in a small community.  They lump us together in several counties to get a count of Covid.  It is minimal and I do not personally know anyone that has it.  My own daughter says she would like to get it so we can just move forward.  I understand it is not pleasant and can be dangerous for some. It can have some lingering effects of no smell or taste.  I don't want to be sick and I don't want other people to be sick. We willingly did all we could to flatten the curve.  We continued to help stop the spread. It feels like now the powers that be are trying to save face. Maybe it is not a pandemic after all. That things are not as dangerous or bad as they thought. The idea that we should social distance and wear masks indefinitely seems dangerous and ill advised.  We can't avoid all illness.  We eventually have to face the risk and move forward.  I believe there is a good chance that those who are extra careful, wear masks all day and avoid any chance of germs are weakening their whole system.  Wearing a mask, breathing shallow, limiting oxygen seems to be the exact opposite of what a person ought to be doing to be strong enough to survive the virus.  

With all that in mind, my debate about going to church in a mask became forefront in my thoughts.  Is it more responsible to go or to stay home?  I was leaning towards going simply because I am a leader but that felt fake.  I reached out to some of my sisters that I minister to, just to check in with them over the phone.  They each said that they looked forward to seeing me at church.  I decided that maybe there is still some way to support one another by just being in the same room (with a mask and being told to not visit but leave quickly) .  If it helps someone feel connection and a little less lonely then I am grateful and willing.  I dressed up in a new dress, wore heels as a mental reminder that I am putting on my Sunday best. Found a mask and went to church.  

It was hard to sing but when my son got down on his knees with his mask to bless the sacrament, I felt the spirit. I knew at that point that the only reason I was there was to renew my covenants with my Savior. I want to always have His spirit to be with me. I want to always remember Him.  I want to be a useful part of His kingdom.  How to be useful is getting fuzzier all the time but I hope and pray that he will know the desires of my heart, comfort me, guide me, through grace give me the courage and strength to continue on, seek truth, repent often and come closer to him.

This was my Sunday best.  I did it.  (the one on the right)  I am very grateful to have felt the spirit. Once again I am reminded that God is willing to have a personal relationship with me.  It is fine tuned in such a way that going to church so I can have the sacrament is a very personal experience and he cares about me. Ultimately that is what matters.  Come what may.  

Teaching and Doctrine 1

I have the opportunity to be taking an Institute of Religion class on line with my Pathway Connect program.  Every other week we have the assignment to share what we are learning that week.  I have usually done it with my family in a small group setting but I thought I would try to share some of my learning here.

One of the things most unique the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is the fact that we understand the Godhead to be three separate and individual beings.  When we say Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, we understand that those are three beings who work together in one purpose.

Article of Faith 1

We believe in God the Eternal Father and in His Son Jesus Christ and in the Holy Ghost. 

 That purpose being the immortality and eternal life of man.  God literally sent His son to redeem the world.  Jesus is the Son of God.  Because of his parentage, he was able to be born on earth and also have a divine father.  This unique parentage qualifies Him as the only one that can atone for our sins. He is the only one that can provide a way for us to be resurrected and live again.  The gift of resurrection is for all people ever born on the earth.  He also provides the opportunity for exaltation.  That gift requires us to opt in, to choose Him, to follow His commandments and example, to accept the gift that repentance is, use that gift and strive to become more like Him.  We are here to learn heaven. We are here to learn obedience, sacrifice, family life, consecration and enduring to the end through whatever we are asked to endure. Through it all we are to exercise faith and come to know Jesus, to depend on Him, to trust Him.

So why does it say in one of our canonized books of scripture, the Book of Mormon, does it say, "they are one God"?  Well when we take time to read all the verses surrounding this verse (verses 1-7 of Mosiah 15), we get a clearer picture. Jesus is a member of the Godhead. He came to earth. He obeyed the will of His Father.  Part of their plan was to provide a Savior. Jesus came to be our Savior.  He provided a way for us to be born again by receiving His atonement.  Because of the Atonement of Jesus, we can become born again.  In this way of providing a way for us to be clean, born again, He becomes our father.  We also get to take on His name as we accept him as our Savior. Another way he becomes our father.  He is the Son of God and a father for us in being our Redeemer. 

Jesus Christ, the Son of the Living God
Elder John M. Madsen

Of the Seventy

“For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given; and the government shall be upon his shoulder; and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counselor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace.” (JST, Isa. 9:6.)

But who is this “child”? Who is this “son”? And “whose son is he”? (Matt. 22:42.) Who is this “mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace,” spoken of by Isaiah? The Book of Mormon “verifies and clarifies” who he is! (Ezra Taft Benson, A Witness and a Warning, Salt Lake City, Deseret Book Co., 1988, p. 13.)

He is Jesus Christ, born into this world, as the “Only Begotten Son” (Jacob 4:5, 11; 2 Ne. 25:12; Alma 5:48; Alma 9:26; Alma 12:33–34; Alma 13:5) of God “the Eternal Father,” and the Son of Mary, “after the manner of the flesh.” (1 Ne. 11:18–24; 2 Ne. 2:4, 8; 2 Ne. 31:7; 2 Ne. 32:6; Mosiah 3:8.)

He is Jesus Christ, the long-awaited “Messiah,” “the Savior” and “Redeemer of the world” (1 Ne. 1:19; 1 Ne. 10:4–17; 1 Ne. 15:13–14; 2 Ne. 2:6–10), of whom all “the prophets testified” (3 Ne. 11:10; Mosiah 3:13; Hel. 8:13–23), who came into the world so “that salvation might come unto the children of men even through faith on his name.” (Mosiah 3:9; 2 Ne. 31:2–21; Alma 32:21–43.)

He is Jesus Christ, the “Lamb of God,” who was “judged of the world, … lifted up upon the cross” (1 Ne. 11:32–33) and “crucified” (1 Ne. 19:9–10, 13–15; 2 Ne. 6:9; 2 Ne. 10:3–5; 2 Ne. 25:12–13; Mosiah 3:9; Mosiah 15:7–9) “to atone for the sins of the world” (Alma 34:8; Alma 22:14; Alma 33:22–23; Mosiah 3:11–18.)

He is Jesus Christ, who, before condescending to “come down from heaven” to dwell “among the children of men” (Mosiah 3:5), was none other than the “Great Jehovah” (Moro. 10:34; D&C 110:3–4; Abr. 1:16; Abr. 2:6–8), “the God of Abraham,and … Isaac, and … of Jacob” (1 Ne. 19:7–15; Mosiah 7:19–20; Hel. 8:13–23), “the Holy One of Israel” (2 Ne. 6:9), who gave “the law” unto Moses on the mount! (3 Ne. 15:5.)

He is Jesus Christ, “the Father of heaven and earth, the Creator of all things from the beginning” (Mosiah 3:8; 2 Ne. 9:6; Alma 11:39; 3 Ne. 9:15; D&C 38:1–3; D&C 76:24), whose “infinite atonement” (2 Ne. 2:6–10; 2 Ne. 9:5–10; Alma 34:8–16; Alma 36:17–18) brings the “resurrection of the dead” (2 Ne. 9:10–13, 21–22; Jacob 4:11–12; Alma 11:42–45; Alma 40:23; Hel. 14:15–19).

He is Jesus Christ, “the Eternal Judge of both [the] quick and [the] dead.” (Moro. 10:34; 2 Ne. 2:9–10; 2 Ne. 9:13–17, 41; Mosiah 3:10, 18; 3 Ne. 27:13–15; 3 Ne. 28:31; Morm. 3:20–22.)

He is Jesus Christ, “the Lord Omnipotent who reigneth, who was, and is from all eternity to all eternity.” (Mosiah 3:5.)

“O ye my servants … , be of good cheer, and do not fear, for I the Lord am with you, and will stand by you; and ye shall bear record of me, even Jesus Christ, that I am the Son of the Living God, that I was, that I am, and that I am to come.” (D&C 68:5–6.)

Peace.  I continue to want to learn about peace but I also feel it is so far from me right now. So many things are in limbo. 
Peace is not limbo.
But in limbo I can find peace.
I have a new calling that is now official.  It happened in a unique way, in a unique time. 
On March 8 I was called into the bishop's office and given the calling of relief society president.  I am so grateful for his assurance that this calling came through prayer and inspiration.  That this is what the Lord wants for me and for our ward at this time.  I cried.  I hope someday there is a calling that I get excited about but my experience has been fear, overwhelm, questions, and doubts.  None of those things bring peace.  Peace is a place I have to come to.
That sacred morning my bishop left me with my husband in his office.  I got to have my fall apart moment, receive a blessing from Milt, and then dry my eyes and enter sacrament meeting. 
That was our last sacrament meeting as a ward. 
After 7 weeks of trying to prepare, learn, listen, submit counselors, seek peace, ask questions, cry a little more, plan family events during a time of quarantine and social isolation, navigate the media searching for truth and direction, finish a semester of school, celebrate my 55th birthday, start a new semester, and  then finally have the calling become official by way of an email sent out to the ward that I happen to have missed for the first 24 hours.
I crave peace.
I need peace.
I feel like this has all been an exercise in finding peace amidst the storms. Feeling peace in the upheaval. Seeing peace in the hope that comes through faith. Trusting that there is a plan and that someday I will understand. Believing that I am taking the next right step and that it will all work out.

I am finding peace
- in beautiful spring weather
- in plenty of good food
- in an app that reminds me twice a day to pause and give every thing and every one to Jesus
- in good people who believe I am capable of filling this calling
- in amazing women whom God has chosen to work with me as we serve the women and families of our ward
- in health, order, resources and even the handbook.
But it takes continual seeking to find, trusting and remembering in Jesus and his love for each of us.  As I rely on Him, He will not let me fail.

Easter 2020

I received this invitation Saturday evening.  When I suggested it, my family went into action and made beautiful happen!  It was so fun to bear testimony.

We gathered up our plastic eggs. We didn't have candy for the eggs and no plans for an Easter egg hunt.  We still had fun but writing notes for each egg (He is not here, He is risen, Jesus loves you...) and then hid them around the yards of our kids homes in town.  It was sneaky and fun.

Easter morning we were out the door in time to enjoy the sunrise. We went to Pioneer Heritage Park, enjoyed the view of the sun, temple, clouds, color and beauty. We sang songs, read John 20 and just enjoyed the quiet time here.

These two kiddos are such great sports. They are fun to be with and bring such joy to every day.  After we read about the resurrection, we had them race down to this spot for another picture.  The winner was these two that Jesus loves. 

Sweet rolls for breakfast. (no cinnamon)

We shared one Easter basket and also were surprised by an Easter lily from our neighbors.  It smells wonderful. It is my first ever and I like it.

Easter bunny offerings and an Easter lily with card from Arnoldsons

This is our second year of the tradition with a red egg.  It is dyed with yellow onion skins, turns this beautiful red and represents a story from when it was illegal to be a believer. The believers used a red egg to share their testimony that He is risen. The matriarch of the family shares their testimony and the egg is kept all year as a reminder of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. This year we read Grandma Marilyn Peterson's testimony. Sure wish we could have had her here too.

We enjoyed a meal of ham, potatoes, asparagus, jello, rolls and strawberry shortcake.  Since we all live and work together, it made sense to celebrate together. So very grateful for family both close by and those we get to talk to wherever they are.

It is also Maddie's third birthday. She is a sweetie.

Samuel, Natalie, Gideon, William

Natalie, Jared, William, Thomas

Simeon and Debbie