It has been one week since my last accident. I almost feel like I am confessing my sins at an AA meeting. Yes, I was in an accident, a car accident. And it was my fault. I was following my 15yo son home on his bike, it was snowing. I was two blocks from home. I had a yield sign and the driver coming from my right did not. I honestly never saw him until after he T-boned me with his big truck. We were both only going 20 mph or less. I was the only person in my car. Neither of us were hurt. He was kind enough to come put his arm around me and ask if I was ok. I was fine. He was fine. Isaac came riding back on his bike quickly. He heard the accident and I think it scared him a bit but he is fine too.
I was able to drive home. By then I was surrounded by family, Emily, Elise, my little ones. Elise helped fill out paper work and make phone calls. She is pretty helpful that way. I was still shaking.
I am struggling. We went through the whole "At least you are okay and no one was hurt" thing but now this week as we realize that the car is totaled and we will get no help from the insurance, I am feeling less than. We are shopping for another wreck that we can piece together with this one and have a good car again. My problem is that I am tired of being the one to worry others. I don't want large amounts of money and time spent because I coasted through a yield sign. I have a loving husband who never complains about my mistakes and would do anything for me. I know that. I realize that the negative and convicting thoughts are coming just from me, but they are so real and strong. And I just don't feel very strong. One side of me says I'll just stay home, I'm not a safe driver anyway. I don't deserve to have a car. Then another voice tells me I'll just be a burden. I need to be independent and helpful. I need to be a contributor and not just a leech. I don't work. I don't bring in any kind of financial benefit to our household but I do work hard and I have raised great kids and created a loving home. I know no one else is complaining but I just want to be better. I want to be more.
Today I went to the dentist for 2 fillings. The dental assistant asked about my family. She thinks I'm amazing to still be raising children. It is just what I do. Then the dentist let me have my work done without the pain killing shots and it wasn't bad. He thought I was very brave to handle that, even just mentally. I am grateful for the victories of today. I know I'm not a bad person but fighting the negative feelings can be such an uphill battle. I wish surviving was enough of an accomplishment but I feel driven to something better. Something that says I have meaning and purpose. I bring value to other people's lives. I want to progress and I guess that means feeling hard things and learning from them.
Maybe if I think about light and love and joy and goodness then God can shed some healing light on my understanding. I am so grateful for light.
Light! Light is the word I have chosen for 2017 and I am so excited. As I have had the opportunity to be grateful to still be on this planet I have had a desire grow in my heart to be a source of love and light. As I think about light I am very excited to learn, understand, be, receive, reflect and share light.
There is so much to know and understand about light. I hope to share here a bit of my journey. Today I was blessed with an opening hymn in sacrament meeting that was all about light You Can Make the Pathway Bright
Lyrics
1. You can make the pathway bright,
Fill the soul with heaven's light,
If there's sunshine in your heart;
Turning darkness into day,
As the shadows fly away,
If there's sunshine in your heart today.
(Chorus)
If there's sunshine in your heart,
You can send a shining ray
That will turn the night to day;
And your cares will all depart,
If there's sunshine in your heart today.
2. You can speak the gentle word
To the heart with anger stirred,
If there's sunshine in your heart;
Tho it seems a little thing,
It will heaven's blessings bring,
If there's sunshine in your heart today.
3. You can do a kindly deed
To your neighbor in his need,
If there's sunshine in your heart;
And his burden you will share
As you lift his load of care,
If there's sunshine in your heart today.
4. You can live a happy life
In this world of toil and strife,
If there's sunshine in your heart;
And your soul will glow with love
From the perfect Light above,
If there's sunshine in your heart today.
Text: Helen Silcott Dungan, ca. 1899
Music: James M. Dungan, 1851-1925
I thought about commenting on so many of these ideas but I think we will just trust that they will plant in your heart and there flourish and grow. Having light in your heart really can bless and accomplish so much. It is going to be a great year!
A friend in need is a friend in deed. When I needed a friend and didn't even realize it, Heavenly Father blessed me with Laurie. Laurie Bishop is a very good friend of mine. She snuck this picture on an early morning walk and then posted it on facebook.
Though we don't look beautiful and put together, we are real and genuine. That is how our friendship is. There is no need to put up a front or pretend in any way. Its a safe place for which I am so grateful.
Laurie is one of those people who loves others and gives everything. I think she was guided to know that I needed a friend. She initiated things together, like walking every morning at 5:45 which got me up and moving and provided a platform for sharing hopes, dreams, and insights. She always acted like I was doing her a favor and yet I know that she has pulled me out of my cave, out of my comfort zone, out of my pity party where I thought I had no friends and welcomed me into her family, her friends and her life. We have had so much fun over the years. Our children have become best of friends too. It is so good to have friends with common interests, goals, and especially standards.
When I had my accident in August, Laurie did not forget me nor did she let me hide or sit home. She called or came by daily. We went on walks together where she would push a wheelchair so that when I had done as much as I could, she would push me. We advanced to a cane and then to just holding her arm when necessary. Each small and slow step of the way she treated me like I was someone special. She treated me with a value and worth that I didn't always feel and it was a huge and happy part of each day.
I am so grateful for her. Glad she has taught me what a true friend is and has always been there for me. She has taught me patience. She has taught me unconditional love. She has taught me that it is fun to share insights and "ah ha's" as well as fears and concerns. We share our journey from large family mother to grandmother and mother in law with all of its new challenges and joys. We have shared our callings and attitudes as we accept the challenge of new callings and new wards. I know when she is around I have a good friend nearby who truly would do anything for me. I hope and pray that she realizes her worth and that I, too, would do anything for her. I look up to her and would love to be more like her in so many ways. She is my friend, my teacher, my hero and my sister.
We didn't get around to a Christmas card and letter. I guess I didn't get to it. No one else does it but they do usually help sign cards and are in pictures. I can't help but feel that I would be ungrateful if I did not share a little bit about some of the gifts of this season and year.
This year has been eventFull. As I look back on the year we have been so blessed. Dane came home August 3 from faithfully serving a mission in Florida Orlando English speaking mission. Brian and Emily gave birth to their first born - Ella. Then they moved to our town. We enjoyed girls camp in the rain, a pioneer trek as a family at Martin's cove in Wyoming, and a trip to Lake Powell. It was after all this fun when I thought things might slow down and become routine that I had my accident and we got to enjoy a whole new type of blessings in our life.
My simple fall in my parents house has been full of life lessons. I am not the same. I feel differently. My priorities have had a slight change and my outlook is promising, full of promise. It is all rather subtle but very real and the deeper I look, the more I find to learn from. I love it.
Some of the blessings I have felt have been very simple and very rich. I fell on a carpeted staircase. I did not fall a great distance. I figure that for some reason this becoming a serious accident was the Lord's plan and a blessing for me. I don't claim to know why my turn on this earth is not over. When I discovered this song it had new meaning to me because I almost got to spend Christmas with Jesus, whose birthday we celebrate. It doesn't sound like such a bad place to be. I almost wish I were there but I have come to appreciate where I am at right now.
Where I am at right now has grown in depth of meaning. I am grateful to be in my home with a loving family but also to be able to hear, see, understand, stand, walk, eat. I am grateful for friends and extended family. I am grateful for the blessing of having some down time. I have enjoyed few demands and free time to ponder and to learn.
When I think about the blessings of the last 3 months, the biggest for me has to be the love I have felt. I didn't know that I was loved so much. I didn't realize that people noticed me and that they would miss me if I were gone. I don't think that is anyone else's fault. I am surrounded by good people, I just didn't receive the love and friendship they offered me. I doubted my worth, my ability to add value to their life. The gift of so many heart felt hugs, concerns and conversations has added great joy to my life. I have come through this a little apprehensive of what comes next but with an assuriety that I am loved, that my Heavenly Father is aware of me, that others care and whatever my Heavenly Father has prepared or planned for me, I want that to be my plan too. I want to say YES to whatever he needs me to do and be. I want to say YES to people and relationships and time spent being present. I want to remember that I am okay. That my Heavenly Father loves me in all my imperfections and is always there to help me move forward. As a result he has blessed me with angels seen and unseen. I can ask for help. I receieve help. I am never alone. He is in charge and I can have every confidence that no matter what, no matter what,He will make it all work for good.
video
I want to be alive, alert. I don't want to feel numb. I will take the good and the bad. It brings richness to life and living. I will ask His will for me today knowing that he will help me be successful, useful in building his kingdom. I will rejoice in the light and in the dark knowing the light comes and that He has blessed me with light that is within me. I can be a source of light too.
I am ok as a simple wife and mother in a small town with a big family. I am doing things that are important and pleasing to my Father and to those around me. My efforts and desires make a difference and are felt for good. He will take me home to him whenever he wants but in the mean time I matter here and now. I have every thing I need at this time to do everything that is required of me. He always blesses us before he asks us to move forward.
Grateful:
I have a new assignment to learn to love and connect with nature. I love nature from a distance but I do not appreciate the bugs and unseen critters. I am going to express gratitude for them, for all parts of nature and hope that as I do so I will learn to appreciate all parts of me.
Christmas season is filled with joy and beauty. I especially love the music of Christmas.
My family loves me and has planned a great family Christmas party full of service, fun, good food, music, gifts and love. Time with family is precious.
No matter where you find yourself this Christmas you can find JOY because Jesus Christ came to this earth for you!
Wednesday, December 7, 2016
I got Feeln and watched a Christmas movie today. Angels Sing. I loved it. You just never know which one is going to really speak to you. This one did me some good today. I have come away feeling like I want to celebrate some good Christmas traditions. I too often complain about the lists of people I have to buy gifts for or the goodies I have to make and eat or the ridiculous amount of decorations or extras that some people do. I want the focus to be all about Christ but I also feel tonight that he would want us to create some happy family and Christmas memories that we can remember and enjoy again in years to come. This movie had death and hospitals and I had a different perspective. I am glad to be alive but I am touched by the preciousness and fragility of life. It is to be treasured and enjoyed. Each day is a gift. I am so grateful that my life is not full of too much stuff. Today when Simeon needed to make naan bread for a school project, we all made bread. When Isaac showed up with friends to work on math homework, we were just fine to hang out here and host friends. When I had the opportunity to see Dane and his group perform at a ward Christmas party, my schedule was free. I do love the spontaneity that is available when I don't over schedule and I am grateful for traditions that bring structure, anticipation, and the fun of the holidays. This is our last week of school and we are all looking forward to lots of time to do and be and play and create those memories.
I have been fighting a lot of judgments and negative thoughts. I don't like them. They make me angry or sad. They are robbing me of the simple joys and the ability to love people where they are. To trust my Father's plan and timing. I am thinking it has a lot to do with perspective. If I want things to change, I must change. I can choose the way I look at things. I can choose not to complain. I can choose to point out the good. I can apologize and try again. I can make this world a little better by being a little better.
What if? is a big common question. Recently my daughter was talking about how she wishes she were really good at something, anything. That she could have mastered some talent or ability. All of us are not bad people but looking at our family, we are fairly ordinary, somewhat average. Can do lots of things good enough but nothing special. Willing to try lots of things but usually content to just experience it.
We live in a small town with a small high school. One of the benefits has been being able to participate in pretty much anything that interests you. We live in a large family where there were time constraints and money to consider so we did pick and choose where to be involved and how much. I never felt like we should give up many family things so that we could support one persons need to excel. I almost feel guilty about that but I am in an attitude of gratitude and I can't help but be grateful for the way things are turning out.
So the question became "Where does our value lie?". Is there more to us that we are not using? What if we had done more? I believe that kindness and character matter. I like to hope that this is were we have focused on developing our talents. I would much rather have a good daughter who desires to serve the Lord and loves her family rather than a virtuoso. I see the great good that a son or daughter can give to their family when they are well rounded, humbly willing to learn new things without the joy stealer of comparison. Yes, we want to do our best. Yes, we want to recognize and develop gifts and talents but who is to say which ones are the best or have the greatest value.
Only God can know what is best for each of us. We read in Alma 37 in the Book of Mormon
37 Counsel with the Lord in all thy doings, and he will direct thee for good; yea, when thou liest down at night lie down unto the Lord, that he may watch over you in your sleep; and when thou risest in the morning let thy heart be full of thanks unto God; and if ye do these things, ye shall be lifted up at the last day.
So really the only thing we need to get good at is our relationship with God. He can direct our path, our choices, and where we spend our time. He needs some virtuosos and he needs some of us to be a bit more average. I love Hymn 175 as it taught me that Heavenly Father let His son be somewhat average
3. When Jesus, the Anointed,
Descended from above
And gave himself a ransom
To win our souls with love--
With no apparent beauty,
That man should him desire--
He was the promised Savior,
To purify with fire.
It isn't always obvious what the Lord has planned for his son's and daughter's. We may not see with our mortal eyes the great good we can accomplish or simply are because we are his. I will counsel with the Lord. I will trust his way, his timetable and I will be glad in it.
I am having some wonderful experiences as I seek the good around me and then express gratitude. As I say "thank you" I am finding so much more joy in every circumstance and every person. I am so blessed. I don't have a great talent to set me apart but I do have a life I find joy in and I am so very happy.
I recently enjoyed this article and video. We truly can find joy in What Is. Truly the Lord will use us where we are and help us find joy in each moment and phase of our lives.
Grateful:
I am seldom losing my balance. I am getting steadier
My house is decorated for Christmas
I have stopped gaining excess weight and am leveling off.
I was able to lift my grandson
My husband has integrity
I get to have dinner with my sisters and their husbands tonight.
It isn't always obvious what the Lord has planned for
