Keep going

The sweet couple that served time the last 18 months  up at Martins Cove and sixth crossing spoke today in church.  I am again so very grateful for the faith and dedication of the pioneers.  When we were there last summer and Milt and I were asked to help in the reenactment of Jens and Elsie Nielson who had some very difficult pulls up rocky ridge.  The experience continues to teach me.

As I pulled milt in the handcart up the ridge alone, I struggled and slipped and gave all my strength to pull him. Then angels (my children) came and helped pull us up.  They were so enthusiastic that I nearly had to run to keep from being run over myself by the handcart. It seems to me the that when we ask for help the Lord and his angels are so willing that they do more than we ever thought possible to help us.  It made that part of the journey so much different from trying to do it alone.  I knelt and then thanked my Heavenly Father for the help and safety.  I now wish I would have had Milt get back in the handcart and kept going.

That is , I have learned, one of the hardest parts for me.  I want to be done but there is still much to do, a great distance to continue.  Now it is up to me to remember the help and the love I felt from my Savior and to keep going. To recognize the daily grace that enables me to keep going.  To see the the little miracles that are still daily help and comfort.

That is where I am at today. It's been over a year since my personal miracle. The comfort and concern and understanding of others is in the past and it is up to me to remember the love and goodness, to recognize the little miracles that still accompany me and to be happy in the journey. It is still hard. Life is not what it was but I can have faith that it is what it needs to be for me and my family.

I also enjoyed Bailey Simons' farewell talk today where she talked about life being a journey, a continual car ride where we each have our own cars (our bodies).  We have to fuel it, drive through road constructions, uphill, detours, rough road, smooth highways, break downs and repairs, maintenance, head lights to help us see the road ahead.  All part of our journey, and how nice it is when we can travel with fellow drivers who keep the rules of the road and are courteous and even helpful.

The Fair

County Fair is one of our favorite end-of -summer activities. A fun fireman's challenge involves 4 different town fire departments having fun and practicing their skills against each other.  Afterwards they have a big

 Afterwards they have a big chalk party where they pass out small bags of colored chalk and throw it at each other.  Very messy, hard to breath but my kids love it.

Our family band getting in some practice on a Sunday afternoon.  Nellie on lap harp, Debbie on ukulele, and Jack on guitar.

Lucy and Madeline with their mommys.  So fun to have babies and more cousins that will enjoy each other.

Trying to see the big eclipse

taken through a welding helmet

Emily and Brian

the VanO's join us

We really could see it quite well. We were not in the path of totality but watched it get eerily darker and could see the sun look more like a crescent moon.

And of course, we always go to the rodeo and have a bunch of fun together. Simeon and Debbie entered some chickens in the small animal barn The tradition continues.  They earn $5 each.

1 year

The days surrounding today and today have been surprisingly challenging.  It was one year ago today that I almost got to go Home to my Father above. I have been super emotional.  I sob and cry and have to fight for positive thoughts.  My thought go to wondering about my value, if I still need to be on this earth, if I am doing anything right. A big part of it has to do with the consistent weight gain.  I have always been at least 10 pounds lighter. I have gained 35 pounds in less than a year. When I went to the doctor concerned, she simply said its part of getting older and tons (pun possibly intended) of women come in every week with weight concerns.  They did tests and said I am healthy - no low iron or unhappy thyroid.  She told me I need to exercise more and count calories and learn to be content. I am sure there is some truth in that but what I hear is 'your are lazy and glutinous'.  I have been eating well and exercising nearly daily. I have participated this year in several "clean up your health" programs that everyone else lost weight in.  I exercise enough to sweat and be sore and yet I am consistently gaining weight.  To me it feels like my body is betraying me and out of control.  I imagine gaining 35 pounds every year and think that 3 years and 100 lbs more surely can't be the right thing for anyone.  They did say that my Vitamin D is low.  I am researching and making plans to help that but I am discouraged.

It is sad to say I don't really want to be here. I look around and I have a beautiful family and a good life. I feel ungrateful allowing these feelings feelings to become my thoughts.  I try to justify but saying I love my life but I am tired and don't see a lot of reason to sit around and get old and fat.  I look at people my age and older and I admire those that are enjoying life and finding meaning.

I have seen some struggles in my family. Yes I was here this year for two new babies and a wedding for which I am grateful.  I am also here for some major challenges with extended family, friends and one of my children.  I think about if I was asked to be here just with the hope that I can help him through this then I probably said, "Of course I'll do everything I can".

I also have those other reminders that say those negative thoughts are the adversary.  Don't let him win.  I feel like my challenges are nothing compared to what others endure, survive and win.  The fact is my pain is real and it hurts and the lessons are university level for me.  And I only did junior college.

So today I went to the temple.  Its something I usually do on Tuesdays.  I didn't really want to be there and almost backed out.  As I went past the main desk the nice man there said, "It will be okay". I had said a quick prayer as I entered the foyer that I might in this sacred place be protected from the negative thoughts.  When he volunteered these words.  I cried.  I made it to the coat room and the tears came.  I dried them off and entered the dressing room, bee lined for a locker and tried to keep my sobs sounding more like I was out of breath.  It is ridiculous how we feel the need to hide our feelings and deceive others but I was trying hard.  I fought for composure, loaded up my pockets with tissues and determined to keep moving forward. One foot in front of another. I felt like they were rushing me so I ended up having time in the chapel which I did not want.  I was grateful not to see anyone I knew.  I grabbed the Bible and it opened to Psalms 138

1 I will praise thee with my whole heart: before the gods will I sing praise unto thee.

2 I will worship toward thy holy temple, and praise thy name for thy lovingkindness and for thy truth: for thou hast magnified thy word above all thy name.

3 In the day when I cried thou answeredst me, and strengthenedst me with strength in my soul.

(and here he was, answering me with words I could read!)

 6 Though the Lord be high, yet hath he respect unto the lowly: but the proud he knoweth afar off.

(and I prayed asking my Father to help me not be prideful. Maybe pride is where my body issues begin. . . and selfishness, and judging)

7 Though I walk in the midst of trouble, thou wilt revive me: thou shalt stretch forth thine hand against the wrath of mine enemies, and thy right hand shall save me.

8 The Lord will perfect that which concerneth me: thy mercy, O Lord, endureth for ever: forsake not the works of thine own hands.

These words brought tears and comfort.  I want to praise Him. I want to see the good in life - my life and others.  I want to truly worship in his holy temple and I want to see the loving kindness.  He will help revive me from this awful place I keep falling back to and somehow with his grace he will perfect me.

Of course I took comfort and then the other thoughts kept surfacing.  I have been repeating some positive statements, affirmations, in hopes they would overpower the negative but my loving Father sent to my mind a whole song.

I Know the Savior Loves Me

1. A long time ago in a beautiful place,

Children were gathered ’round Jesus.

He blessed and taught as they felt of His love.

Each saw the tears on His face.

The love that He felt for His little ones

I know He feels for me.

I did not touch Him or sit on His knee,

Yet, Jesus is real to me.

2. Now I am here in a beautiful place,

Learning the teachings of Jesus.

Parents and teachers will help guide the way,

Lighting my path ev’ry day.

Wrapped in the arms of my Savior’s love,

I feel His gentle touch.

Living each day, I will follow His way,

Home to my Father above.

I know He lives!

I will follow faithfully.

My heart I give to Him.

I know that my Savior loves me.

I know that my Savior loves me.

I thoroughly enjoyed having these words and this tune fill my head taking all the space for thinking and bringing me joy again. I am trying to make these moments last longer because really it is up to me to let things change for the better. Once I was home I wanted to just stay in my room and escape with a movie, a nap, whatever.  My sweet Elise remembered what happened a year ago today and has wanted to celebrate my "life day".  She came over for lunch and stayed and visited.  I don't think she knows how hard and yet how good it was to have a reason to get up and be with someone.

This evening I got to have some time of my own once dinner was over and I remembered that great song so I headed to the piano to play it, read the words and seek to understand the special message my Savior sent to me.  I could hardly see the notes for the tears.  My sweet Simeon came in, saw me crying as I played and he sang the words for me.  It was another tender mercy to have him not judge or question but simply support and love me.  I am so very blessed and I refuse to forget the many ways my Savior shows me he loves me. I love him!  I know who I am. I know God's plan. I follow him in faith! And sometimes it takes a bit of exercising that faith to get it strong enough to keep me going but I really am never alone.  There are angels seen and unseen helping me, teaching me, bearing me up when I feel so weak.

My dear friend Shelly posted this on Facebook.  I have to admit when you are able to friend great people, even Facebook can be inspiring.  I will continue to fight the good fight, do my part and count on being on the winning team.  I sure appreciate the analogy that it is in our darkness that Christ's light is so bright and welcome.  If I didn't sometimes have to go through the dark I may not recognize the real light. My source to truth. My powerful partner. My friend.

I watched a movie. It was about a soldier's widow and her finding love again. It has me thinking about death and change.  I remember thinking of someone who has lost a loved one that at a year they really ought to move on.  I don't know why we think we understand what others are going through and what they should do. I am learning time and again that my efforts to understand actually do fall short.  I don't get what someone else is feeling but I do have feelings. My feelings are real and so are theirs.  I think feeling and emotion are blessings that help us relate and connect with others.  It is probably the adversary that says "no one understands what I am going through".  I guess that lie is good because it is laced with truths that we feel too.  I don't think we have to know exactly what someone is feeling to be able to be of help to them or to "bear one another's burdens".  I know that just knowing that someone cares lifts me a lot.  Just having a chance to think out loud or share a hug or feel like you are helping them in some way can really help that need to belong.

So my thoughts and feelings don't even make sense to me but they are still there and still real.  This month will be one year since my accident.  I am almost sad that a year has past already and so quickly. I don't know why but I think I had hopes of something different by now.  I recognize that I have been richly blessed.  I am doing well.  But I'm different in very subtle ways that I don't know how to explain.  I think as I get further away from those changes I have less excuse, less reason to hold on to these feelings.  Feelings that are illusive and confusing and maybe not grounded in anything. Maybe I thought things would be better, that I would be better.  Has my small taste of the refiners fire refined me?  Do I have to be all better now?  If I'm not, does this have to be the new normal? For some crazy reason I felt safer being fragile.  I felt like less was expected of me.  I could be kinder in my expectations.  Now I should be strong. Now I should be ready to move forward, have big goals, finish my projects, have my body figured out. I don't feel like I should go to my room in the middle of the afternoon and spend a few hours alone, reading, watching a movie, taking a nap.  I should be productive. I have been getting by, doing just enough. I should want to do more and as I reach the one year mark I lose my good reason.  My weakness has become comfortable.  Now I need to move on and I don't know how or if I want to.   I like having an excuse to be tired, forgetful, simple.

Its not my body or my injury telling me what I can or can not do.  I need to take responsibility for my choices and what I do each day.  Its a big grown up step for me and I'm a little worried about my ability to do it right. Sometimes I wonder why I'm still here.  There have been challenges come up with my family and a thought whispers to me that even though heaven would be nice and here is really hard that I would, and maybe did, choose to stay in the hope that I could be of help to those I love.

On my mouse pad I have this thought "Your value is not defined by your achievements. Your value is defined by the one who said, "It is finished!" and who achieved it all."  Apparently Jesus is okay with my still being here and my efforts to bring value to other peoples lives.  He tells me I have value. I am enough.  With his help I will keep on trying. With Him as my partner he can fill in the gaps, make the difference, use this small and simple me.  Here's to the next year of this old new me.  May my thoughts always include "His grace is sufficient".

Summer fun

Mr. O took me to Boston to see Wicked with my parents.  We flew in and then met up with Mom and Dad who drove down from Royalton, Vermont.  Loved the show. Well done.  Now I want to see Dear Evan Hansen.

 We then went up and stayed with them at Camp Joseph near Sharon, Vermont and visited the birthplace of Joseph Smith. We enjoyed meeting many of the missionaries serving there and seeing all the good things my parents get to do.

 While is was gone this sweet little baby Lucy finally arrived on this earth, July 16.  It was so hard to be very far away but now that I have held her and get to see her every few days, she and her mama are forgiven. I sure love her.

 This is at the Palmyra Pageant.  We enjoyed seeing it 2 nights and visiting the pageant president and many others that help make the magic happen.  Mr. O sure enjoyed talking president to president and sharing concerns, successes and experiences.

 Traveling with my sweet parents was a joy.  They are slowing down some and require a lot of patience with each other but their love and appreciation is strong and I especially enjoyed seeing them take care of each other.

 We finally made it home. It was so fun to visit Elise and her family. They are all so excited and grateful for baby Lucy.

 Paddleboarding out at Palisade, as well as swimming and eating good food attracted the whole family.

 Our current connections with ropes course counselors was so fun as we experienced facing fears, doing hard things, working together, and cheering each other on.

Isaac

Simeon and Debbie

Simeon

Ella and Debbie

 Boating and waterskiing are a family favorite that we are finally doing this summer as the boat that has been sitting and waiting for repairs for several years is finally dependable and fun.

 First birthday for Ella.  She is such a joy and her parents continue to thoroughly enjoy her.

 Granny time with Lucy and Madelyn.  We also had Sunday dinner as a family after stake conference.  We kept it simple and had spaghetti and meatballs.  Since its zucchini season, we even had zucchini noodles. They were delicious.

 That evening we had a special family night with Brother and Sister Schultz speaking to us about their experiences during WW2 in Germany.  Sister Schultz went through some amazing experiences, had her faith strengthened and testified that you really need to pray every day.  It makes all the difference.

 Sleeping outside in hammocks 3 deep!

Debbie and Simeon  (Isaac gets the top one)

 Jack turns 8!  We are so glad to see the fine boy that he is and are excited to share his special baptism day in a few weeks.

Stand

I have several friends that recently left the church.  I don't know what they believe.  They say they have left the "church".  I don't know if that means they no longer believe in God, if their desire is to not have to feel bad for not keeping commandments. They say they just never really believed yet they made covenants, promises, declarations to the contrary. They were never forced but simply enjoyed the benefits of a moral support system, high standards of friends and lots of service given in their behalf.  Now they have moved on to their "better life" where no one tells them right from wrong and from the looks of social media they are free to experiment in any of the worlds pleasures that they want without the guilt that comes from religion.

It confuses me that anyone who has tasted the love of God and enjoyed the blessings that come when they choose to keep his commandments can so freely turn their back on God and their family. Nevertheless, that is their choice.

The frustration I see is when they try and explain their actions in a way that encourages others to follow their example, honor the natural man, put selfish desires first.

I see quite plainly the way Satan is using their doubts not only to confuse them and disqualify all the spiritual experiences they have received but also to encourage others to do the same.  God asks us to walk by faith, to trust him, and to keep his commandments.  It is not a do what feels good, whatever you want.  It is not about testing your own ideas about how things should be first.  It is about faithfully walking in the Lord's way and then receiving a witness as you go.

One of these friends shared an article about the "woman in the pew next to you". It tried to blame every person that ever strives to honor God and keep His commandments as the cause for making someone else at church feel bad.  If you share your testimony they feel judged and not good enough. If you share your struggles they feel judged and not good enough.  If you declare your hopes, desires, dreams they feel judged and not good enough.  If you share your frustrations with a family member they think that you are judging them because maybe they are the challenge to a family member.

It is the idea of political correctness taken into the religious arena.  Don't stand for anything because not everyone can live up to it.  It's wrong.  It is the same kind of wrong that is rampant in our society. It is the idea that everyone should get a trophy. All standards should be lowered so no one feels like they can't succeed. No child left behind. Health care for all. Don't keep score at the kids ball games. Someday I hope they learn that when we shine we allow others to do the same.

If we don't stand for right and truth, we fall.  I love Gordon B. Hinckley's book "Standing for Something"  I believe in standards - The Standard of Truth has often given me comfort.

“The Standard of Truth has been erected; no unhallowed hand can stop the work from progressing; persecutions may rage, mobs may combine, armies may assemble, calumny may defame, but the truth of God will go forth boldly, nobly, and independent, till it has penetrated every continent, visited every clime, swept every country, and sounded in every ear, till the purposes of God shall be accomplished, and the Great Jehovah shall say the work is done.”

We must not be ashamed or intimidated by these confused people who want to only feel good. The lie that they believe is that goodness and joy can somehow come from lack of standards. Not reaching for your best and trusting in God's plan for each of us.  Just because I can't be perfect in keeping commandments doesn't make commandments bad.  Just because I can't be a perfect wife or mother or whatever in any other relationship, doesn't mean I shouldn't try.  Just because I have a weakness doesn't mean I can't rejoice in another persons success or that I should quit trying to overcome a weakness.  Just because I don't like jogging and am not very good at it does not mean that anyone that likes jogging or running or exercise should never mention it in my presence. Or celebrate their steps in getting better. Or encourage others to try.  Or talk about how hard it is because I might have an even harder time and  feel worse than ever.

It makes no sense and it certainly does not speak truth.

I don't have to be perfect and I don't have to be shamed for trying.  I will stand as a witness of God at all times, in all things and in all places as I strive to live values.  That doesn't mean I'm perfect at it or that I am going to judge you on your path.  I ask the same courtesy.  Don't judge me because I'm a believer. Don't condemn me because I'm living the gospel the best way I know how, enjoying the love of God I see each day in my life and my desire to share that joy with others.

I find this quote inspiring by Marianne Williamson

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

I am sorry that there are those out there who are struggling and lost but please don't put down others to better accept your choices.  Don't blame others if you feel inadequate.  That fact is that if the lost would look to God they could find real strength, real power, real happiness.  Instead of putting others down to feel good about themselves try lifting, being thankful, looking for the good and celebrating the little successes of each other and giving God credit and gratitude for every good thing because it all comes from him.

Hold to a standard. Don't look for comfort in darkness. You can do it.  You can be all that God has called you to be.  He has given you the lessons, experiences, people, opportunities that will refine you and help you be better than you ever could on your own plan.  Look to him and live.

As these thoughts kept me up late into the night, my Heavenly Father sent this song to my mind.

How Gentle God's commands

1. 1. How gentle God’s commands!
   How kind his precepts are!
   Come, cast your burdens on the Lord
   And trust his constant care.
2. 2. Beneath his watchful eye,
   His Saints securely dwell;
   That hand which bears all nature up
   Shall guard his children well.
3. 3. Why should this anxious load
   Press down your weary mind?
   Haste to your Heav’nly Father’s throne
   And sweet refreshment find.
4. 4. His goodness stands approved,
   Unchanged from day to day;
   I’ll drop my burden at his feet
   And bear a song away.
5. Text: Philip Doddridge, 1702–1751
   Music: Hans Georg Nägeli, 1773–1836

I know who I am. I know God's plan. I follow him in faith.

prosper

I have had several conversations with people recently about money, providing for our family, trusting husbands to do their best and what that might look like.  I am grateful to have married a hard working man who is willing to think outside the box, find ways to make things work, learn new things, try and sometimes fail but get back up and try again.

I know among religious people there can be some misguided ideas that being righteous includes being poor. That being humble and meek means learning to be content with poverty.  The idea that money is the root of all evil is wrong.  It is the 'love of money that is the root of evil'.  We can't love money. We can love God and our fellow beings. We can serve them. We can better ourselves and our situations to be more useful in building His kingdom

Its not about pride or prestige.  It is not trying to be better than others.  Seeking to improve our situation, create beauty, enjoy and share abundance is a blessing that comes from righteous living.  I am not saying that the wealthy are good and the poor are bad. I am saying that we each are given weaknesses and challenges. Some are monetary and that can mean being rich or being poor.  But in order for God to make weak things become strong, our focus needs to be on Him.

It is all part of the agency that God has given us to make the most of our lives.

It is God's will that we be free men and women enabled to rise to our full potential both temporally and spiritually, that we be free from the humiliating limitations of poverty and the bondage of sin, that we enjoy self respect and independence, that we be prepared in all things to join Him in His celestial kingdom.     Elder Christofferson 10/14

I do believe we should praise God and give thanks in all things and in all situations but that doesn't mean we just stop trying to improve us and our situation.

Economic deprivation is a curse that keeps on cursing, year after year and generation after generation. It damages bodies, maims spirits, harms families, and destroys dreams. If we could do more to alleviate poverty, as Jesus repeatedly commands us to do, maybe some of the less fortunate in the world could hum a few notes of “There Is Sunshine in My Soul Today,” perhaps for the first time in their lives. Elder Holland 4/17

Poverty is a curse not a reward because you are so humble.  It very often is not of your own choosing by any means but it is up to each person to do what they can to change the script, to better their lives. As they do so they then can truly assist others out of that difficult situation.

I want to love others where they are, as Jesus does.  I want to help and be guided by God in what that looks like for me. I want to be able to alleviate the suffering and the difficulty and help change the curse for generations.  There are plenty of people doing their best, I honor them.  There are miracle stories of people taking chances, finding a new way and succeeding. I am talking to those who are complacent. Those who willingly let the government and family provide for their needs year after year. Those that lose hope and simply just wait to expire.

Each person has value and worth.  You are here to contribute, to enjoy the blessings of this great world, created by God for you.  Trust that you can do all things through Christ which strengthens you. You will not be left alone.  There is no mistake, failing, misstep that Christ cannot help you through and every time he is willing to give you a hand up to a better place.

I am under no illusion that this can be achieved by our own efforts alone without His very substantial and constant help. “We know that it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do.”24 And we do not need to achieve some minimum level of capacity or goodness before God will help—divine aid can be ours every hour of every day, no matter where we are in the path of obedience. But I know that beyond desiring His help, we must exert ourselves, repent, and choose God for Him to be able to act in our lives consistent with justice and moral agency. My plea is simply to take responsibility and go to work so that there is something for God to help us with. Elder Christopherson