Thanksgiving weekend

We start our weekend making pies.  This year we made cherry, pumpkin, carmel, pecan, lemon cheesecake, and banana cream.  

Debbie's carmel cream pie

Erica's first pie (cherry)  We knew she would love the creative, artistic part.

 We enjoyed our pie morning at Jay and Lauri's house.  Still lots of fun after all these years.

 Debbie, Simeon, and I had fun decorating the dinner table.  With only 5 of us we had time a room to do things a little bit extra nice.  We even got to enjoy a roast turkey this year. We will be back to BBQ turkey next year and a whole house full of love and people.

 We got to spend some time at Grandma and Grandpa's home.  It was a treat to find the boys with Grandpa showing them cars on his phone while sitting on the counter.  We enjoyed dinner together, played Jokers and Pegs, taught them about When Calls the Heart on Netflix.

 Then we headed downtown to see Savior of the World.  Once again I just love the experience I have every time we go.  Dane and Erica met us there and enjoyed it too.

 Temple square lights!  It was super crowded. We didn't realize it was the night the turn on the lights for the first time of the season.  It was beautiful

Saturday we headed up the mountain for Christmas trees.  It was warm and dry and so easy to wander around the mountain side.

 Emily, Ella and Brian joined us and found a perfect tree.

 my might men hunting and dragging out the Christmas tree.

 and Isaac with Simeon's help caught this fish with their bare hands.  Quite the accomplishment.

 Now the real fun begins as it all comes together in a festive frenzy of decorating and watching Christmas movies like the Santa Clause 2 and Elf.

Inside

So I have been learning more about beauty and want to remember.  On Friday night we got to see The Masque of Beauty and the Beast.  I am wishing I could find the script to get the exact words.  It was a play at a children's theater. When Beauty was getting to know the beast she explains how she is no longer afraid of him. That she doesn't mind the way he looks because she has seen him on the inside.  She has come to know him in a deeper level and the beauty from the inside overshadows the outer looks.

We also listened to the Wide Awake Princess.  It was a fun story mixed with lots of fairy tale characters.  The main character is Sleeping Beauty's sister.  To protect her from a curse the fairies blessed her that no magic would affect her.  She is not blessed with beauty, poise, grace, talent... anything. She is just normal and average.  But being normal and average actually opens up new doors and makes it possible for her to do things others could never do.  It was a fun way to learn to be happy with what you have in your own physical abilities.

I remember advice once given that talked about taking care of yourself, looking your best each morning and then move forward with your day, forgetting yourself at that point and serving others.  Its an important element of living.  Our world is way to concerned about the outside.  How we look, present ourselves to others, impress. . . My goal is to take good care of myself, the best I know how, but then trust that I've done my part and move on to listening to that inner voice.  I want to be more sensitive to what the spirit would have me do and be.

My sister just had her colon taken out last week.  She is in incredible pain.  She has been fighting this difficult situation for years but this last year has been an epic battle just to survive.  She is amazing.  She is hoping for relief but it still may take a few months before she starts to feel somewhat normal.  She showed me her stoma bag and the inside of her small intestine.  It was not pretty but what it is doing and enabling is beautiful.  It was created for a purpose and it is blessing her life.  It is not about how things LOOK. Its about doing what we are created to do.  Fulfilling the measure of our creation and finding the joy in it.

This little body part has taught her so much.  This system of digestion has come to the lime light and received many thanks for years of functioning properly.  But the influence of this inner part has also taught her patience. she has learned that it is okay to be home, take it easy, let others serve you. There are a lot of things we learn as we care for the outside looks but it seems so much more when we focus on the inside physically but also emotionally.  We can build character traits, ask for spiritual gifts. Find purpose in living.  Be more than a decoration. The bonus is as we work on the inside then the outside takes care of itself and a new and real beauty can shine through.

When we forget ourselves and let the Lord take over we can become so much more than we ever dreamed.  I am letting go of this need to control my size (it never worked anyway) and I will trust God to teach me, guide me and walk beside me as his daughter.  Be it unto me according to His word.

Am I fat?

You may have noticed I have been a bit obsessed with weight lately.  I have gained 35 or so pounds in the last year and it has sent me for a loop.  I have never gained weight this easily or tried to hard to lose weight. I have tried programs, plans, foods...  I have exercised daily and tried lots of different forms and measured their worth by making sure I sweat and I had sour muscles.  The results have been a continual weight increase.  I noticed the way body parts rubbed more or couldn't come together like they use to. I couldn't even put boots on the same way because there was this belly in the way.  I felt discouraged, betrayed, confused.  I asked God for help to fix my body. I asked for understanding to know if there was some purpose in what was happening.  I tried to notice everything I could about what was different and also to see others in a more positive light realizing that it was not their size that I admired or loved about them but who they are in the inside.  I hoped I was learning the lessons quickly so I could heal and go back to the size I was year ago.

Halloween costumes.  I was dressed as my husband and did not feel feminine or the size I thought I should be.

Well I am getting answers.  Not the ones I thought I would.  Am I fat? a bit, but so what?  Maybe I am bigger than I have ever been.  Maybe things don't fit the way they used to. Maybe that pile of clothes in my closet that doesn't fit just keeps getting taller.  So what?  I have been able to get new clothes that do fit.  I am still functioning and living a full life.  I am still taking care of my family, serving in my calling, making and keeping friends, having fun, celebrating life.

I am learning a new way of thinking.  I am finding out that my thoughts determine my actions and my results. I am learning that those results don't always look the same as I thought they would, but so what?

I am participating in a bootcamp with Stephanie Webb of Eat Happy Nutrition and I am learning about trusting my body, listening to my intuition, forgiving myself and trusting that it will all work out.  It is so freeing to me to give myself permission to learn through trial and error.  To eat what I want when I want and then make a decision on if I like how I feel afterwards.  My body can teach me what it needs and likes to feel good and serve me!

I am learning to appreciate where I have been, how well my body has served me for 52 years and the amazing things that it has allowed me to do.  It is miraculous.  Sister Marjorie Hinckley is quoted as saying.  The 50s are my favorite years. I am past the comparing and can just enjoy life.  I want to be 50 in the eternities!  I realize that our modern world keeps trying to avoiding aging like it is somehow wrong and something we have to battle daily.  I don't want to battle with myself.  I don't want to work on my abs... I want to work with them.  Each and every part of me is a part of ME that makes me who I am.  I am so grateful to be me.  May God forgive me for the bad things I have said to and about myself.  May he please know that I am so grateful for this body, this life, and the many experiences he allows me to have with lessons all along the way.

So now I am letting go of guilt, expectations, judgments and just seeking to enjoy the journey of life and to love myself and others right where we are.  The rest can take care of itself. Worrying won't help.  Love is where their is real power and joy.

Here I share some of the resources that are helping me with my new view :)
 - Healing = Courage + Action + Grace
 - Line Upon Line, Uncovering our True Selves
 - Body Positivity or Body Obsession

General Conference Oct. 2017

We were at a mountain bike race for Isaac and Simeon although with the rain they ended up canceling a lot of the high school races and we got sent home. Simeon did great though he finished rather muddy.

The Porters joined us for conference on Sunday and we very much enjoyed hearing the words of the Lord's apostles and leaders.

Lego were pulled out for the lat session. They help.

a little dozing going on.  He says he gets a ot through osmosis?

A special treat was this documentary shared between conference sessions about the Mormon Miracle Pageant.  Angel Moroni and Samuel the Lamanite happen to be members of my family.

Between sessions of general conference Elder Robert D Hales passed away.  He was an apostle of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  He lived an extraordinary life and returned with honor.


Elder Robert D Hales

While serving in the military, he took its motto "Return with Honor" to heart. He would share this in his later messages with LDS Church members.

"This motto was a constant reminder to us of our determination to return to our home base with honor after we had expended all of our efforts to successfully complete every aspect of our mission," he said.

Keep going

The sweet couple that served time the last 18 months  up at Martins Cove and sixth crossing spoke today in church.  I am again so very grateful for the faith and dedication of the pioneers.  When we were there last summer and Milt and I were asked to help in the reenactment of Jens and Elsie Nielson who had some very difficult pulls up rocky ridge.  The experience continues to teach me.

As I pulled milt in the handcart up the ridge alone, I struggled and slipped and gave all my strength to pull him. Then angels (my children) came and helped pull us up.  They were so enthusiastic that I nearly had to run to keep from being run over myself by the handcart. It seems to me the that when we ask for help the Lord and his angels are so willing that they do more than we ever thought possible to help us.  It made that part of the journey so much different from trying to do it alone.  I knelt and then thanked my Heavenly Father for the help and safety.  I now wish I would have had Milt get back in the handcart and kept going.

That is , I have learned, one of the hardest parts for me.  I want to be done but there is still much to do, a great distance to continue.  Now it is up to me to remember the help and the love I felt from my Savior and to keep going. To recognize the daily grace that enables me to keep going.  To see the the little miracles that are still daily help and comfort.

That is where I am at today. It's been over a year since my personal miracle. The comfort and concern and understanding of others is in the past and it is up to me to remember the love and goodness, to recognize the little miracles that still accompany me and to be happy in the journey. It is still hard. Life is not what it was but I can have faith that it is what it needs to be for me and my family.

I also enjoyed Bailey Simons' farewell talk today where she talked about life being a journey, a continual car ride where we each have our own cars (our bodies).  We have to fuel it, drive through road constructions, uphill, detours, rough road, smooth highways, break downs and repairs, maintenance, head lights to help us see the road ahead.  All part of our journey, and how nice it is when we can travel with fellow drivers who keep the rules of the road and are courteous and even helpful.

The Fair

County Fair is one of our favorite end-of -summer activities. A fun fireman's challenge involves 4 different town fire departments having fun and practicing their skills against each other.  Afterwards they have a big

 Afterwards they have a big chalk party where they pass out small bags of colored chalk and throw it at each other.  Very messy, hard to breath but my kids love it.

Our family band getting in some practice on a Sunday afternoon.  Nellie on lap harp, Debbie on ukulele, and Jack on guitar.

Lucy and Madeline with their mommys.  So fun to have babies and more cousins that will enjoy each other.

Trying to see the big eclipse

taken through a welding helmet

Emily and Brian

the VanO's join us

We really could see it quite well. We were not in the path of totality but watched it get eerily darker and could see the sun look more like a crescent moon.

And of course, we always go to the rodeo and have a bunch of fun together. Simeon and Debbie entered some chickens in the small animal barn The tradition continues.  They earn $5 each.

1 year

The days surrounding today and today have been surprisingly challenging.  It was one year ago today that I almost got to go Home to my Father above. I have been super emotional.  I sob and cry and have to fight for positive thoughts.  My thought go to wondering about my value, if I still need to be on this earth, if I am doing anything right. A big part of it has to do with the consistent weight gain.  I have always been at least 10 pounds lighter. I have gained 35 pounds in less than a year. When I went to the doctor concerned, she simply said its part of getting older and tons (pun possibly intended) of women come in every week with weight concerns.  They did tests and said I am healthy - no low iron or unhappy thyroid.  She told me I need to exercise more and count calories and learn to be content. I am sure there is some truth in that but what I hear is 'your are lazy and glutinous'.  I have been eating well and exercising nearly daily. I have participated this year in several "clean up your health" programs that everyone else lost weight in.  I exercise enough to sweat and be sore and yet I am consistently gaining weight.  To me it feels like my body is betraying me and out of control.  I imagine gaining 35 pounds every year and think that 3 years and 100 lbs more surely can't be the right thing for anyone.  They did say that my Vitamin D is low.  I am researching and making plans to help that but I am discouraged.

It is sad to say I don't really want to be here. I look around and I have a beautiful family and a good life. I feel ungrateful allowing these feelings feelings to become my thoughts.  I try to justify but saying I love my life but I am tired and don't see a lot of reason to sit around and get old and fat.  I look at people my age and older and I admire those that are enjoying life and finding meaning.

I have seen some struggles in my family. Yes I was here this year for two new babies and a wedding for which I am grateful.  I am also here for some major challenges with extended family, friends and one of my children.  I think about if I was asked to be here just with the hope that I can help him through this then I probably said, "Of course I'll do everything I can".

I also have those other reminders that say those negative thoughts are the adversary.  Don't let him win.  I feel like my challenges are nothing compared to what others endure, survive and win.  The fact is my pain is real and it hurts and the lessons are university level for me.  And I only did junior college.

So today I went to the temple.  Its something I usually do on Tuesdays.  I didn't really want to be there and almost backed out.  As I went past the main desk the nice man there said, "It will be okay". I had said a quick prayer as I entered the foyer that I might in this sacred place be protected from the negative thoughts.  When he volunteered these words.  I cried.  I made it to the coat room and the tears came.  I dried them off and entered the dressing room, bee lined for a locker and tried to keep my sobs sounding more like I was out of breath.  It is ridiculous how we feel the need to hide our feelings and deceive others but I was trying hard.  I fought for composure, loaded up my pockets with tissues and determined to keep moving forward. One foot in front of another. I felt like they were rushing me so I ended up having time in the chapel which I did not want.  I was grateful not to see anyone I knew.  I grabbed the Bible and it opened to Psalms 138

1 I will praise thee with my whole heart: before the gods will I sing praise unto thee.

2 I will worship toward thy holy temple, and praise thy name for thy lovingkindness and for thy truth: for thou hast magnified thy word above all thy name.

3 In the day when I cried thou answeredst me, and strengthenedst me with strength in my soul.

(and here he was, answering me with words I could read!)

 6 Though the Lord be high, yet hath he respect unto the lowly: but the proud he knoweth afar off.

(and I prayed asking my Father to help me not be prideful. Maybe pride is where my body issues begin. . . and selfishness, and judging)

7 Though I walk in the midst of trouble, thou wilt revive me: thou shalt stretch forth thine hand against the wrath of mine enemies, and thy right hand shall save me.

8 The Lord will perfect that which concerneth me: thy mercy, O Lord, endureth for ever: forsake not the works of thine own hands.

These words brought tears and comfort.  I want to praise Him. I want to see the good in life - my life and others.  I want to truly worship in his holy temple and I want to see the loving kindness.  He will help revive me from this awful place I keep falling back to and somehow with his grace he will perfect me.

Of course I took comfort and then the other thoughts kept surfacing.  I have been repeating some positive statements, affirmations, in hopes they would overpower the negative but my loving Father sent to my mind a whole song.

I Know the Savior Loves Me

1. A long time ago in a beautiful place,

Children were gathered ’round Jesus.

He blessed and taught as they felt of His love.

Each saw the tears on His face.

The love that He felt for His little ones

I know He feels for me.

I did not touch Him or sit on His knee,

Yet, Jesus is real to me.

2. Now I am here in a beautiful place,

Learning the teachings of Jesus.

Parents and teachers will help guide the way,

Lighting my path ev’ry day.

Wrapped in the arms of my Savior’s love,

I feel His gentle touch.

Living each day, I will follow His way,

Home to my Father above.

I know He lives!

I will follow faithfully.

My heart I give to Him.

I know that my Savior loves me.

I know that my Savior loves me.

I thoroughly enjoyed having these words and this tune fill my head taking all the space for thinking and bringing me joy again. I am trying to make these moments last longer because really it is up to me to let things change for the better. Once I was home I wanted to just stay in my room and escape with a movie, a nap, whatever.  My sweet Elise remembered what happened a year ago today and has wanted to celebrate my "life day".  She came over for lunch and stayed and visited.  I don't think she knows how hard and yet how good it was to have a reason to get up and be with someone.

This evening I got to have some time of my own once dinner was over and I remembered that great song so I headed to the piano to play it, read the words and seek to understand the special message my Savior sent to me.  I could hardly see the notes for the tears.  My sweet Simeon came in, saw me crying as I played and he sang the words for me.  It was another tender mercy to have him not judge or question but simply support and love me.  I am so very blessed and I refuse to forget the many ways my Savior shows me he loves me. I love him!  I know who I am. I know God's plan. I follow him in faith! And sometimes it takes a bit of exercising that faith to get it strong enough to keep me going but I really am never alone.  There are angels seen and unseen helping me, teaching me, bearing me up when I feel so weak.

My dear friend Shelly posted this on Facebook.  I have to admit when you are able to friend great people, even Facebook can be inspiring.  I will continue to fight the good fight, do my part and count on being on the winning team.  I sure appreciate the analogy that it is in our darkness that Christ's light is so bright and welcome.  If I didn't sometimes have to go through the dark I may not recognize the real light. My source to truth. My powerful partner. My friend.